Advocacy Group Urges an End to Health Care

The Society Against All Health Care for All Americans has been at the fringes of the health care “debate” for many years. So it’s no surprise they’ve been active over the last few months, mocking Americans with characteristic cynicism. Yes, we agree they’re terrible. They’re also mildly amusing. Here’s their latest press release.

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Ending Is Better Than Mending: End Health Care Now

Washington, DC—The Society Against All Health Care for All Americans (SAAHCAA) once again announce its complete disinterest in and vibrant loathing for health care and health care reform in America.

Americans have created one of the most wasteful systems on the planet in the interest of caring for themselves when they get the sniffles. This monument of crap promotes inefficiency and drains precious resources in the best of times. Its enormous sucking action has never felt so imposing as in our current climate, with our economy limping away from one the worst crises it has ever faced.

It is time to stop the bleeding and end health care. SAAHCAA believes that $2,000,000,000,000 a year is too much to pay for health care of any kind for anyone. Redistributing (yes, redistributing) these resources could yield greater benefits for a greater portion of the U.S. population. Once health care is abolished, SAAHCAA’s ideas on what to purchase with the newly liberated funds (let’s henceforth call them “freedom bucks”) include the following:

• Massive cocaine parties.
• Roll after roll of gold leaf toilet paper.
• Free tickets to the U2 360 Tour.
• Cheerios (for snacking).
• A moon bounce in every town, a kegerator in every home.
• The dismantling of Fox News Channel.
• Marbles.

The time for talking and making eloquent pronouncements and arguing and frightening morons and screaming like little babies is over. The bright circus of controversy surrounding “health insurance reform” is entertaining but redundant. Just as frothing, gun-toting, illiterate village idiots at town hall meetings make for excellent television, spineless legislators and a too-cautious White House make for innocuous laws that masquerade as genuine reform. What, after all, is the point?

We urge Americans to cut their losses and end health care now. Hospitals, doctors offices, dental offices, and all the rest are depressing, smelly places. The sooner we stop our crying and complaining about this plan or that deductable, or this chronic disorder or that broken bone, the sooner the nation will be on the path to genuine health and wellness. Thank you and goodnight, bitches.