Little Wonder They’re Worried

You’re probably aware that some of our nation’s finest citizens have been out in force protesting the Obama administration’s push for health care reform. And you probably don’t need instant YouTube classics to be convinced that a lot of these protesters know how to bring the crazy.

We confess we’ve had a hard time understanding exactly what opponents of reform are protesting against. To get a handle on it, we spent some time this week interviewing protesters and reviewing news coverage of those raucous town hall events on health care. These exercises helped us sketch out what many protesters believe health care reform will entail. And it’s little wonder they’re worried.

• Chopper Care. Rather than wait for congress to pass a law, President Obama has already ordered advance teams (known privately as Bama’s Black Ops) to sleepy rural communities. Black helicopters descend on these towns in the middle of the night and extricate the community’s older and infirm residents. These people are then dropped in the nearest river.
• Oatmeal Prescription Drug Option. To save the cash needed to provide health care to undeserving poor people, most of whom are uninsured because of deep character flaws that can never be resolved, Obama plans to replace older Americans’ prescription drugs with caplets of heart-healthy oatmeal.
• Medicare Part D-2: Have You Tried Aspirin? Obama says Medicare recipients will have the right to refuse participation in the Oatmeal Prescription Drug Option if they want access to more expensive medication. Under Medicare Plan D-2, older adults will be required to purchase government cheese-flavored chewable aspirin for any and all health conditions.
• Your Only Choice Is No Choice. Since his boyhood days in the heart of Iranistan, President Obama has longed to take health care away from scared white people in America. No matter what Obama says he’s going to do for the middle class, no matter how his fat cat friends say they want to help, they will force everyone into a government-run plan that cheats real Americans. Beloved insurance companies will be eliminated, and people will have to wait in line for months to see a doctor for ailments as simple as the common cold. After being forced to sign up for the plan under the direction of government shock troops, a super computer in Washington will hijack your bank account to fund secret, lavish health care plans for a few black people who constantly throw parties to laugh at farmers and Vietnam veterans.
• Yes We Can Lose Weight Plan. Extremely overweight Americans will be placed on a special diet designed by the government. Membership in the plan will be involuntary and the diet will consist of only generic Cheerios, canned green beans, and bottled water.
• USA Health Care for Everyone Easy Choice Option Enrollment Golden Eagle Freedom Plan. This idea was tossed around by more than one protester convinced that health care reform will definitely include a trick plan. It goes like this: Private insurers will go out of business in droves after the government ruins their profit margins with its second-rate plan. Millions of Americans will be forced to enroll in USA Health Care. Instead of providing a timely safety net for the newly uninsured, Obama will ship all USA Health Care members to Iraq. (Note: A significant number of protesters are convinced Obama will sell all USA Health Care members to North Korea.) Once Obama unloads this “dead weight” from America’s back, socialism will be complete. The American flag will be burned over the U.S. Capitol every day at noon. The new national anthem will be called Sickness Is Health, and it will be performed by Lil Wayne.