Hannah Montana’s Anti-War Ballad Divides Audiences, Disrupts Concerts

Cleveland, OH--Hannah Montana’s new anti-war ballad, “War Turns My Smile Upside Down,” is causing a stir among those attending the teen pop star’s packed performances. The song, a pretty lame reflection on the nature of modern warfare that includes such lines as, “and I think / I don’t like war / very much / ‘cause it is bad,” is giving rise to a rare occurrence at teen concerts: loud choruses of hisses and boos, which are then rejoined by equally loud cheers and applause.

At last night’s sold-out show in Cleveland, response to the song was loud enough to momentarily drown out the music. Determined, Montana soldiered on to finish the song and the rest of her set.

Backstage, before disappearing with her entourage, Montana expressed frustration at the growing dissent among her audiences. “I just think war is bad for people,” she said moments after battling through her performance. “I don’t understand why so many people are upset about it.”

In that case, Ms. Montana might want to talk with 9-year-old Kelsey Worthington.

“I don’t come to Hannah Montana shows so she can proselytize for the misguided, radical left,” complained Worthington, who attended last night’s show and booed loudly as soon as Montana began singing the controversial song. “If she wants to pretend she’s a teen star with integrity while she bids for the powerful liberal factions that effectively devastated popular support for a just war against Islamofascism, that’s fine. But it’s presumptuous of her to expect my applause.”

Kelsey’s mother, Claire, agreed.

“It’s a concert for kids,” sighed the elder Worthington. “I didn’t pay $2,800 on eBay so my family could hear a bunch of crap about peace and love and kissing trees or whatever. I don’t want my kids exposed to that bile at such an impressionable age.”

In contrast to Montana’s detractors, however, many in the crowd support the singer despite the worthlessness of the song.

Maggie Bettenlurk, an 11-year-old and self-proclaimed “Montaniac,” mocked the singer’s attempt to address a serious issue within the teen-pop genre, but expressed displeasure with the negative reactions of some fans.

“The song is naïve dribble, and we all know it,” said Bettenlurk, who stood just rows behind the Worthington family and cheered the entire show. “But that’s no justification for rude behavior that should be left to the low-life that populate Wiggles’ shows. The rest of Hannah’s performance was exceptional.”

The stark division among Montana’s fans was evident well after the house lights came on and her Ohio-area fans filed out of the aisles to go home.

“Hannah Surrender,” jeered Todd McFallon, an energetic 8-year-old who seemed to be lobbing his remarks more at his little sister, Eve, than at the singer.

Eve, a devout fan proudly clutching her brand new Hannah Montana t-shirt, came to the singer’s defense without batting an eye.

“Your immaturity is as towering a force as it’s ever been,” Eve shot back. “I guess mom can take the rubber sheets off your bed since you won’t be urinating in your sleep anymore, eh? Did you hear that, mother? Todd has emerged victorious from his long slog with bedwetting! What a proud day for him! Let’s go get a big carafe of cranberry juice and celebrate on the veranda!”

“Hannah Hate Freedom,” said Todd.

“I swear to Christ, shut your mouth,” growled Eve.

“Han-Against-Us Montana.”

“You know, it’s fascinating how your mouth leaks piss just like your bladder.”

“Montana and Fonda sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“Get out the disinfectant wipes, mother! It’s a gusher!”

“Hann-emy of the State,” cracked Todd.

Eve picked up an empty beer bottle from the sidewalk. “Mother, let’s make sure Todd has something to urinate in before we get out of the parking lot.”

“Hann-a Salam a Lakem,” laughed Todd as the bottle rocketed past his face.

Programming Note

Our regular reader knows it’s not like us to plug television programs, but we’ve been flat mesmerized this week by Lou Dobbs. He’s doing a great series on how Illegals have hatched a widespread conspiracy to sexually assault immunocompromised Americans wherever they can be found. Tonight he’ll be reporting on how some of these damned Illegals formed splinter groups in New York to con Governor Eliot Spitzer into giving them driver’s licenses. What are they going to do with the licenses? Trade them on the black market for crack so it can be force-fed to orphans.

The series, titled ILLEGALS! ILLEGALS! ILLEGALS! ILLEGALS!, is an astonishing work of journalism that’s worth the attention of every American. Hats off to Lou Dobbs for his invaluable service.

Study Finds More Than Half of Bush/Cheney ’04 Voters Don’t Admit It

Philadelphia, PA--More than half of the Americans who voted for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in the 2004 general elections do not admit to doing so, according to a study by the Institute for Basic Political Research. The report finds a startling lack of memory and disorientation among nearly 63 percent of Bush voters who are reminded of the last presidential election.

The findings are part of a study on the declining levels of support Americans have had for the Bush administration since the president won reelection. A team led by Dr. Ann Baxter interviewed voters who in a 2005 study had identified themselves as voting for Bush/Cheney in the last election.

For the study, researchers had planned to ask a series of questions on how current events such as the war in Iraq related to participants’ opinions of the president. However, it became clear early on that those questions would baffle participants who disputed casting a vote for Bush.

“We weren’t prepared for that,” admits Dr. Baxter. “Yet there our subjects were, again and again, providing information contrary to what they provided in 2005.”

Many such participants simply claimed they did not vote in 2004. In an interview similar to dozens of others, one participant claimed to have stayed home on election day 2004 despite self-identifying as a “two-time Bush voter” in 2005. When asked what he did that day, the participant said, “mowed the lawn.” When researchers asked where he mowed grass if he resides in a 5th-floor apartment, the participant changed his answer to, “Vacuuming. Lots of vacuuming that day.” Pressed a second time for clarification, the man said, “I would like some french fries.”

If that interview surprised researchers, it was only the beginning. Ten subjects insisted they cast a vote for former President Ronald Reagan, seven claimed they were hospitalized on election day, and six have no recollection whatsoever of November 2, 2004.

“A few of the participants were confused during the entire interview,” said Baxter. “There were the Reagan voters and such, who were plenty loony in their own right, but there were also people who were disoriented as soon as the interview began.”

“One person just blanked when asked which presidential ticket he voted for in the last election,” continued Baxter. “The poor guy was just so confused and told us, ‘I voted for Bush over Gore.’ Our interviewer then clarified and asked about Bush versus Kerry, which caused the man to blanch and go quiet for a while. Later he asked, ‘What year is this?’”

While some study participants were confused, others were dangerous. At least four participants grew belligerent and violent with members of Dr. Baxter’s team. Recalling such an incident, one investigator said, “I could tell the subject was agitated, since he responded to the first question by spitting at me and saying, ‘This is all a pack of lies.’”

“I admit, that interview was intriguing for a while,” said the researcher. “I felt like a detective undertaking a criminal interrogation--like something out of Law & Order--until the subject jumped over the table and started clobbering my face.”

That participant was later arrested and charged with assault.

So what do participants say they were doing on November 2, 2004 if they were not voting for President Bush? Cleaning out the gutters, alleged one Bush voter. Dusting the family National Geographic collection, claimed another. Still others said they were working overtime, gardening, busy taking care of the kids, ministering to prostitutes, delving into home-improvement projects, taking out the garbage, attending Bible study, and eating peyote.

Baxter says it is difficult to know exactly what has caused this phenomenon. But she speculates it likely has its origins in the same issues that have dogged President Bush’s approval ratings.

“I’m guessing a follow-up study with hypnosis will point to dissatisfaction with the war,” suggested Baxter. “Or the fact that as a conservative president he’s dramatically increased spending while expanding the size of the federal government, or the way his relationship to the religious right has compromised the Republicans’ chances of retaining the White House in 2008, or that his job performance may hand the presidency to Hillary Clinton, or his proposal to turn July into National Torture Month, or that he vetoes a few billion dollars for childrens’ health insurance while the Iraq tab inches toward one trillion, or how he put his hands all over German Chancellor Angela Merkel that one time, or how when he talks unscripted he sounds like an 8th-grader who didn’t do his homework. You know, something like that.”