Obama to Collect Guns, Freedom, and Money on Monday

Washington—The White House announced today that all guns, freedom, and money will be collected for the government’s use this coming Monday. Residents in all areas of the country are expected to hand over their dignity if they can spare it.

Collections will begin at 10:00 a.m., Eastern time, and the process will last as long as is necessary to ruin our country. White House officials said they hope the nation’s back will be broken by the middle of next week.

News of the impending collections stunned millions of Americans who spend their lives in a liberal fantasy of puffy clouds and cake. Many of these gullible pinheads actually asked whether it was April Fools’ Day.

However, not all Americans were caught off guard. Heavy consumers of right-wing media, staunch supporters of gun rights, and people who hate communism have long predicted this moment. These patriots spent the afternoon implementing the first stages of heroic resistance.

Predictably, news analysts and talking heads lost their collective shit by noon. Panicky alert banners and crawling tickers blazed on every channel, and the parade of morons on cable television blathered on and on like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, Wolf Blitzer Would. Not. Shut. Up.

Despite the public outcry and intense media attention, administration officials have so far refused answer inquiries regarding the collections, issuing only the following terse statement: “You should have seen this coming, comrades. We expect full compliance.”

For the Record