Scott McClellan's Temper Tantrums More Frequent, Sources Say

Washington, DC--Spank Media

Scott McClellan's temper tantrums, a long-rumored feature of life in the West Wing, have grown more frequent in recent months, sources familiar with the Bush Administration have revealed. Speaking anonymously, sources added that the length and intensity of McClellan's crying jags have ballooned to cartoonish proportions. "They really ought to be filming it for some, you know, study thing or whatever," said one official. "Ever since the summer, it just blows everybody away to watch this guy freak out."

It's been more than a year since the first accounts of McClellan's backstage theatrics began trickling out of political circles in Washington. Reports at that time were unconfirmed and sometimes months apart. However, a significant upswing began in the middle of the summer, when reports of McClellan's personal turmoil were renewed weekly. Said one aide, "it's like he's possessed."

From the start, the accounts of McClellan's tantrums have been at odds with the press secretary members of the White House Press Corps have become familiar with both at daily briefings and while traveling with the president. As one member of the corps put it, "He's always been graceless and kinda slow-thinking, hell, maybe even slightly disabled, but who knew the guy has such passion? I hear when he's in the middle of a rant you could swear he hasn't progressed past age 5. And I know that scar on Andy Card's forehead is from something Scott threw at him. I just know it."

Administration sources and journalists in the press corps generally agree on when the apparent increase in McClellan's troubles began. In late July, TIME Magazine reporter Matt Cooper revealed that his source in the Valerie Plame ordeal was top Bush advisor, Karl Rove. Cooper's move effectively set off a week-long firestorm for McClellan in the White House briefing room. Reporters in the press corps pressed McClellan hard on the Plame affair--inquiries that focused heavily on McClellan's credibility as a press secretary, along with the credibility of Rove, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and the White House as a whole. "Oh, yeah, that was the week he really exploded," explained one official. "'Hell week,' as we call it around here."

Multiple officials close to McClellan describe a series of episodes in the last days of July that shocked White House staff. As one staffer recounted the wave of July tantrums: "I remember coming down the hall one day to visit Scott about spinning some bad news, and there was a crowd gathered around his door. I realized then that the thumping I'd been hearing all afternoon was coming from his office. I'd just thought it was some repairmen or something, but it was Scott throwing chairs into the wall. Some of the interns were already crying, and I could hear Scott yelling in this really taunting voice, 'Oh, I won't comment on an ongoing investigation, will I? I won't comment on the investigation, huh, Helen? Excuse me? Oh, are you talking to me? Well, that question is about an investigation that is underway, David Gregory!! Are you dense? Were you listening, David?'"

Despite publicly stonewalling discussion on McClellan, this Tuesday brought the first hints of damage control from senior officials, in addition to rumors that mental health professionals have been retained for the West Wing. Asked about McClellan on this week's bus tour to garner support for public floggings of Iraq war critics, Vice President Dick Cheney smiled and confirmed his confidence in the press secretary. "He does a great job for George," said the vice president. "He's a real trooper."

"Well, true to form, that's an excessively optimistic thing for [Cheney] to say," stated one source close to McClellan. "But I just don't see how standing on your desk in tears, demanding someone bring you a 'great big bowl' of jello and marshmallows--at four o'clock on a Thursday, mind you--is typical behavior for a real trooper."

Asked about how the situation will be resolved, sources disagreed and were hesitant to offer predictions. Some suggested McClellan might be promoted to White House Communications Director to extinguish the possibility of on-camera hysterics. Others laughed at that notion and thought a Cabinet-level position might be in the works. "It's hard to say at this juncture," noted one source. "Maybe it will all blow over now that they bought him a Sit-n-Spin next to the window. Or maybe he'll do a header off the briefing room podium. Either way, he'll still be here."

My Days in Dummydom

Whenever I have a day to myself I spend hours scouring the Dummies section at the local bookstore. I like to sit in the middle of the isle with a family size bag of cheese curls and eat them until my stomach feels like molten butter. Sometimes I drag a chair over from one of the reading areas to relax, and other times I just take my pants off. Either way, it doesn't take long until I'm deep in the Dummy zone: engrossed in a new subject, rocking back and forth in a trance, selfishly licking moist orange residue from my finger tips, and flipping page after page with authority. (Last week I got so excited reading Pilates for Dummies that I had my first accident in public since preschool.) I know my enthusiasm can get the best of me, that my sporadic screams of pleasure have frightened nearby customers, but just how am I supposed to give a crap about some shmuck in next isle when there's so much knowledge to be possessed?

My stupid shrink tells me I need to stop. He says I'll never make progress if I keep walking backwards. Well, here's a freaking Newsflash!!! I'm not walking backwards, I'm hanging out in a bookstore! And the fact is I can't help the way I feel. Rather, I WON'T help the way I feel. I'm not going to just stop because I've been threatened repeatedly by the fascist store manager--just like I didn't stop after my last arrest. I'm not a quitter, for Christ's sake, I fucking read Sustaining Willpower for Dummies. 'Cause what the shrinks and the cops and my raggedy old inflatable girlfriend can't understand is that I'm not merely exercising a need to memorize the art of operating the standard home computer, or the myriad decorative possibilities of those adorable little wooden hearts, or the poetry of Billy Corgan. It's more than that: I'm offering a spirited recognition of the ever-expanding Dummy cannon, and motherfuck if I'm going to miss one single beat.

If only there were space enough for me to list all of my favorites. You'll have to survive on a few selected titles:

• Waking Up in the Morning for Dummies
• Brushing Your Teeth for Dummies
• Making an Ass of Yourself for Dummies
• Breathing for Dummies
• Inspired Self-Mutilation for Dummies
• Making Love the Bill O'Reilly Way for Dummies
• Chewing and Swallowing for Dummies
• Chewing and Swallowing for Dummies (UNCENSORED!)
• Discussions on the Portrayal of Marriage in Everybody Loves Raymond for Dummies
• Snap! Crackle! Pop?: The Mysteries of Breakfast Cereal for Dummies
• Stop Being a Dummy for Dummies
• Farting for Dummies
• Messing With Dummies for Dummies
• A Ventriloquist's Tips on Dating and Romancing Dummies for Dummies

Letters: The Problem With Kyle

Dear Kyle,

I just want to clear up a few things about what happened at Maggie Milthfoperson's place last week during the 1985 Cockeysville City Council 20th-year reunion bash. I sense from the 16 irate phone messages you've left on my voicemail at my home and office that you're still upset about

a) The argument we had.
b) What you believe took place in the spare bathroom just after Terry Knitclouse fell into the punchbowl.

As for the argument, if you still feel that my performance on the Park and Playground Budget Subcommittee was sub par, I agree to cease defending my actions, drop the issue entirely, and quit responding to your criticisms by sticking my tongue out at you while wiggling my backside. After many heart-to-hearts with my wife and our pastor, I'm slowly accepting that my behavior has only inflamed an already heated debate. That is to say, I will cease my actions AFTER I've said, for the 500th time: I NEVER AUTHORIZED the repainting of the community swing sets to pink and lime green in July of 1987!! And if I had, I would NEVER have chosen those colors. And I would never have called the Cockeysville Invader and tipped them off to the resulting scandal, something I wish you would just put behind you, as the rest of the community has.

As for the wildly misinterpreted scene in the bathroom, I was not trying to steal your wallet out of your coat, nor was your wife involved in some insane plot to ditch you and take off with me and your money. I was incredibly drunk, Kyle, and put your coat on my accident. I had your wallet in my hands because I couldn't figure out why it was in my coat, and your wife was graciously helping me understand my mistake without making me feel embarrassed--or drawing undue attention to the fact that I'd had a few too many Pabst. I DID NOT shove Terry into the punch bowl to create a diversion, as you've claimed, and I DID NOT leave immediately after the incident because some "big plan"--as you termed it--had been foiled. The fact is I left because I had a stash of killer goofballs, but not enough to share.

The sooner we forget all this and get on with life, the better. Please stop calling my home. The kids have heard several of your messages, and I'm sure you can understand that our conflict is difficult to explain to a curious child.

Kisses,
Spank

Good Morning, Captain

Kill the house lights. Content's coming soon.