Dick Cheney Has 12 Things to Do Today

1. Wake before dawn, take coffee on upstairs balcony. Stare out at the dark planet and ponder the roots of evil. Wonder how long until civilization degenerates completely into terrorist-fueled anarchy.
2. Fill sack with puppies and throw it against basement wall. Get naked and breakfast on raw potatoes.
3. Head to White House for early meeting. Berate President for appearing confused in previous day’s press conference; remind him to stick to the plan “or else”; remind him to memorize talking points with more care; ask impatiently how many times he needs to go over this crap; kick trash can over for effect.
4. Sit for interview with USA Today. Inform reporter that casualties in Iraq are down 300 percent. Explain that if Kerry had been elected we would all be dead by now.
5. Go back to White House for a meeting with top executive staff. Fly into rage at an incidental mention of Patrick Fitzgerald; spit profanity and pound fists on the table. Slowly regain composure when Bolten softly reminds, “Dick, your heart. Please, Dick, take it easy. We’re all friends here.”
6. Pass Karl in West Wing hallway. Offer a civil “hello.” Turn and stare at Rove as he continues down the hall and disappears around a corner. Stand still with eyes locked on that spot for several minutes.
7. Lunch on whole chicken and carton of milk.
8. Cancel afternoon meetings to research modern weaponry online. Watch restricted-access military videos showing carnage caused by 1,000-lb bombs. Wring hands and clap in prolonged intervals; make fighter jet sounds. Ignore phone calls.
9. Emerge from office disheveled. Alarm secretaries by sitting on the floor as if confused. Recognize wife Lynn when she arrives to take him back to the residence. Listen while she thanks staff for their discretion on “his bad days.”
10. Attend evening fundraiser, refreshed and alert. Spend inordinate amount of time talking with Karen Hughes, blocking out her noticeable discomfort. Come within a hair of asking her out. Give speech and spot the specter of Nixon sitting at a table near the podium. Notice that Nixon is wagging his finger. Ignore this hallucination like all the others.
11. Pop open a couple Schlitz after arriving home. Wander outside with shotgun to fire off a few rounds while buzzed. Snack on tree bark.
12. Retire to bedroom and put on “Veep of Darkness” pajamas. Thank God for war. Sleep like a baby.

Bush Administration Plans to Relax Rules on Beating People

Washington, DC--The White House plans to relax long-standing regulations that prohibit citizens from beating the living crap out of people they don’t like, according to a position statement leaked to media outlets yesterday. Drafted by administration lawyers, the documents offer a harsh critique of Federal and state assault laws while outlining a strategy to establish unprecedented leniency with regard to the prosecution of person-on-person beatings.

At the heart of the administration’s position is the claim that physical assault is a crucial tool in the enforcement of President Bush’s indisputable moral mandate. Taking issue with what it calls the “pervasive myth that violence is senseless,” the White House contends that allowing more beatings will help promote freedom and curb the spread of extremist attitudes and undesirable lifestyles. Under revised regulations, beatings perpetrated by patriots engaged in defending America’s honor will be condoned, as will the thrashing of some dumbass pervert. The new rules will also ease the unfair burden of blame placed on beaters of “people who need to shut up, people who are always being stupid, and smart alecs who deserve a pop in the first place.”

Word of the administration’s plan has incited widespread outrage among weak-hearted pussies. Among many overblown complaints, some analysts reviewing the documents charge that the President is once again providing special favor to such GOP-friendly groups as oil industry executives and the religious right. Both groups are depicted in the leaked documents as “hardworking beaters too often snagged by big government red tape.”

Meanwhile, congressional leaders of the wimp persuasion whined about the plan, which they termed “a shocking affront to the personal safety and liberties of Americans, a dumbfounding legalization of unwarranted brutality…” blah, blah, blah.

The White House has remained silent on the leaked documents since reports of their existence surfaced. Barraged by an endless stream of questions from the totally pathetic softies that constitute the White House Press Corps, Press Secretary Tony Snow deflected all related inquiries during Thursday’s daily briefing, telling reporters to “just unwad their panties for a minute and settle, for Christ’s sake.” Mr. Snow eventually grew bored with calling on reporters and ate a Snickers bar at the podium.

“Look, it’s White House policy not to comment on things that could freak people out,” Snow said, his mouth full of candy bar. “The radical left is trying to turn an unconfirmed media report into a shit storm while the White House is busy trying to keep Americans safe. La. Dee. Fucking. Dah. Anyway, happy hour is at Louie’s tonight and I’m not buying ‘cause I’m tired of that crap. Buy your own damn booze.”

Ribbon Proliferation Reaches Pinnacle

Special thanks to the associate of ours who brought this to our attention.

--Spank

LA NUEVA CUBA!

ATLS correspondent Chuck Mickelson got sauced the other night and said he was going to take a row boat to Cuba. We thought he was kidding, but then we received this dispatch this morning. Looks like he’s on a full-fledged bender now, but that didn’t stop him from getting a scoop. Damn straight!


LA NUEVA CUBA!

Havana, Cuba; 2:37 a.m.

Hola! Greetings from the party town of the Caribbean!! YES!! GODDAMN!! I don’t know what the American MSM is talking about, saying it’s subdued down here, ‘cause you would think it’s freaking Christmas or whatever oh man goddamn I am hammered! Seriously thoughseriously, it’s hard to tell what the muchachos are all whipped up about… Castro’s being close to death, or recovery… or the fact that they pipe tequila into the drinking fountains on the street (BTW…sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!)

Ive been keeping an eye on the MSM coverage and those children don’t know jack shit about Cuba, they don’t know jack one shit man Oh by the way, MSM, nice segments about how to stay cool in the heat wave you stupid bastards. all VERY informative, so very well conceived… cause I didn’t know I should avoid taking naps in the blistering sun. Oh thank you SOOOO much for your concern, you are SOOOO thoughtful, why don’t you all go suck on [content omitted by ATLS editors].

I did not know you could bong margaritas

Hey I met this drunk party guy, and I mean Party guy... fuck that’s funny... I mean he knows how to party, TRUST me, but he’s from THE Party. I think he was too wiped to know what he was doing, so he gives me this folder and was like HEY AMERICAN JOURNALIST FASCIST, PRINT THIS FOR FUNNY PAPERS!! Turns out he gave me his notes from a meeting with Raul Castro… and the dude is ready to normalize with the U.S.! BEAT THAT SCOOP MATT LAUER YOU FUCKING [content omitted by ATLS editors].

anyway the tentative Raul agenda for the new Cuba is below. i think i got the translation pretty close before fiesta started. Who knew Raul was such a renaissance man the whole time, it’s like when that disgusting hooker that tried to pick me up, well… Fuck it never mind Bottoms up, bitches
Chuck

Action Items for Raul Castro’s First 90 Days

• Full presidential pardon for the following: Ricky Ricardo, Antonio Sabato Jr., Gloria Estefan (but no pardon for Miami Sound Machine), Emilio Estevez, and Cuba Gooding, Jr.
• Award Honoray Membership in Cuban Military Guard to Senior Horatio Caine from the Miami CSI Lab, in recognition for his being such a “bad motherfucking hombre.”
• Grant U.S. full rights to unsupervised visits with Elian Gonzalez.
• Official acknowlegement that it is now OK to admit that Fidel’s military outfit seems a bit “make believe.”
• DIPLOMATIC REQUEST: Full voting rights for Cuban citizens in next year’s “American Idol” competition, with annual review of said rights occurring after each season by a panel of mediaries. Bribe with cigars if need be.
• DIPLOMATIC DEMAND: Garnish wages of all Cuban-born baseball pitchers making more than 2 million USD per year with American teams. Note: Ask them why they don’t get more of their farm boys to pitch for the Yankees if they’re so great.