Birther Movement Makes Reasonable People Hate Themselves and Want to Die

Washington, DC—Odd as this may seem to some, the “birther movement,” a collection of conspiracy theories based on claims that President Obama was born in Kenya, has made progress into mainstream media outlets in recent weeks. The theories’ proponents, known as “birthers,” say the President has not produced a valid Hawaiian birth certificate. Because of this, birthers claim, Barack Obama is not a citizen of the United States and is therefore ineligible to be President. For more than a year the birthers have attempted to substantiate their claims by mining a never-ending quarry of hypothetical crap.

While the birther movement has long been a hot issue for the craziest wing of the GOP, in recent weeks less insane politicians and media personalities have encouraged the birthers’ claims. The increased momentum has led to spikes in both media coverage and suicidal longing among people with reasonable intelligence.

“We’re seeing two basic reactions to the birther movement right now,” notes Selinda Harthbanger, a professor of media studies at the University of Phoenix. “The first reaction is that more people are learning about the supposed controversy. And the second is that normal people increasingly want to shoot themselves in the face.”

Professor Harthbanger based her comments on the results of two surveys her research team conducted on the topic. In the first survey, conducted in July 2008, only one-third of “reasonable respondents” knew anything about the controversy. That survey found only a handful of respondents were bothered by the issue to any serious degree.

In contrast, a second survey just released by Harthbanger’s team found twice as many reasonable respondents knew about the controversy in July 2009. Nearly a quarter of those people told researchers that the birther movement makes them crave their own death.

“We were shocked,” admitted Harthbanger. “One gentleman said every time he hears Lou Dobbs or Alan Keyes talking about birth certificates he wants to ‘stab himself in the eyes after taking a bath in battery acid.’ In another case, a young woman told us she had recently viewed video from a town hall meeting that was crawling with birthers. She claimed the footage made her want to ‘swallow a nuclear warhead.’”

“You just can’t help but feel sympathy for reasonable citizens,” added Harthbanger. “Many of them are in a lot of pain right now.”

It’s unclear how much energy and attention the birther movement has yet to attract. But Harthbanger said the recent uptick in news coverage makes certain that more reasonable people will discover the story over the next few months. She said it is “highly likely” that a portion of these people will turn their frustrations on themselves in potentially dangerous ways.

Harthbanger’s research team is eager to chart ongoing reaction to the birther movement, but investigators acknowledge that collecting survey data from the most vulnerable respondents can be challenging.

“You worry about people,” said Gordon Myers, a professor who works alongside Harthbanger. “You want to stay objective, but you’re human, so you worry about the young man who said birthers make him long to do a header into a swimming pool full of chloroform. You worry about the woman who said the birthers at her office make her wish she were tied to a copying machine at the bottom of the ocean. And how could you not worry about the lawyer who told us that birthers make him want to ‘run out and kiss the face of an oncoming express train’?”

“But at the end of the day you have to stay focused,” Myers concluded. “We’re considering doing a third survey by the end of the year, and we can’t let our emotions get in the way.”

Prominent birthers could easily be reached for comment, but we didn’t bother. As late as this afternoon two birthers spokespersons claimed the University of Phoenix is hiding the truth about Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

Exposure to 24-Hour News Channels Associated With Health Problems

Study Finds Viewers of CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC Are All Kinds of Sick

Atlanta, GA—A 2-year study on the effects of watching cable news offers grim details for news junkies. The study, conducted by the Center for Television and Media Research (CTMR), found that viewers exposed to programs on 24-hour news channels developed health problems at a much higher rate when compared to viewers of other programming. Researchers noted that a significant number of subjects developed “moderately serious” or “serious” health problems after viewing cable news programming.

CTMR recruited more than 2,000 adults and exposed them to several hours of continuous television programming over 14 consecutive days. Subjects were randomly selected into one of two groups. Subjects in the first group were exposed to a string of evening and prime-time programs on CNN, Fox News, or MSNBC. Subjects in the second group watched episodes of True Blood and Weeds.

Results showed that subjects exposed to programming on 24-hour news channels developed a range of health problems not observed in the control group. Nearly 34 percent of cable news watchers developed acute or chronic ailments during the study or its 6-month follow-up period. Problems included skin rashes, high blood pressure, moderate-to-severe bouts of hiccups, cardiovascular irregularities, brain hemorrhaging, fecal incontinence, projectile vomiting, and intestinal bleeding. In addition to these physical problems, dozens of subjects developed mental health symptoms, such as intense paranoia and persistent assholism.

In contrast to cable news watchers, only 2 percent of the control group experienced similarly serious health problems during or after their participation in the study. However, these participants reported increased interest in vampires, southern accents, drug trafficking, and “hot people.”

Reaction to the study was mixed at best. Largely ignored by the cable channels named in the study, its results warranted only brief, dismissive mentions on marquee shows such as CNN’s The Situation Room and Fox’s Stab Yourself With Glenn Beck.

CTMR has come under fire in the past from media personalities and policymakers alike. In 2006 Fox personality Megan Kelly referred to the Center as “a bunch of quackers.” In a 2008 tussle with lawmakers, a group of Democratic Senators threatened to investigate CTMR’s research methods after it warned people with narcolepsy to avoid the sound of Harry Reid’s voice. The investigation was later shelved.