MoveOn.org Wants to Hold Hands With Ahmadinejad

Portland, OR—In a bizarre announcement today, irrelevant left-wing activist organization MoveOn.org said it plans to hold hands with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. A spokesman for the group stated that hand-holding with the outspoken leader will commence whenever and wherever the group first encounters him. A rationale for the idea was not revealed.

“Our hands will be together and our fingers interlocked,” stated a blushing Eli Pariser, Executive Director of Political Action at MoveOn. “It will be a special time for MoveOn and Mr. Ahmadinejad as we move toward first base together, and maybe second.”

“Unless hand-holding is considered first base,” Pariser continued. “Is first base kissing? To be honest we’ve never understood which base means what—especially third.”

Ahmadinejad, whose visit to the United States this week sparked controversy, did not respond to MoveOn’s cocksure prediction of impending romantic contact. Instead, the Iranian President was busy receiving absurd amounts of attention, as politicians, public officials, and others within the U.S. stoked the image of Ahmadinejad as America’s top enemy.

Speaking briefly with reporters, Ahmadinejad thanked Americans for embarrassing themselves so thoroughly.

“Really, this has been wonderful,” said Ahmadinejad. “I knew I would attract a few cameras, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be refused access to Ground Zero. And yet you came through. Your show of principles is truly impressive. Thanks again.”

Although Ahmadinejad did not mention MoveOn’s peculiar public advances, media experts say the possibility that the two will make out is as real as ever.

The MoveOn announcement marks the second time in weeks the organization has baited media attention. In early September MoveOn grabbed headlines for an advertisement that attacked General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq. In that ad, MoveOn rhymed the general’s last name with the words “betray us” because that’s the best they could come up with.

Brilliantly, the MoveOn ad brought loads of scorn to the anti-war left, provided months’ worth of fodder for media blowhards, and earned an official admonishment from Congress. Whether MoveOn’s latest move will hit similar heights is unknown, but it’s clear that’s what the organization is hoping for.

Said Pariser, “Any day we distract Americans from what’s important and shine a light on ourselves is a good day.”


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Reported by Spank Mickelson with thanks to his editors.

New Bin Laden Video Was Panned by American Test Audiences

Majority of Viewers Wanted More T&A, Drunken Co-Eds

Washington, DC—Osama Bin Laden’s new propaganda video received an apathetic response from a majority of American test audiences as recently as one month ago. According to sources within the film industry, Bin Laden’s latest project left audiences wondering where all the titties be at.

“In a nutshell, the resounding response was, ‘BORING! Where’s all the hot ass?’” said Tim Ruckenmeyer, head of a specialized marketing firm that previewed Bin Laden’s film with a representative sample of American viewers.

“Most of the people invited to this screening were put off by the total lack of drunken 20-year-old blondes making out at beach parties,” Ruckenmeyer explained. “I can’t tell you how many of our questionnaires came back with requests for wet nipple licking, spanking, and bikini beer-bonging contests.”

Mr. Ruckenmeyer supported his assessment by furnishing a selection of written responses from the test audiences. Nearly every person who completed a questionnaire inquired about the absence of bare breasts and sweat-glistening girls grinding their bodies together like lesbians. One typical response simply noted, “No girls Dumb ass!”

Experts in film and propaganda say these results indicate Bin Laden’s video will not be successful.

“Sometimes a single flaw can ruin a filmmaker’s message,” noted Susan Mailer, a political scientist and film historian with the University of Colorado. “That’s definitely what happened here. Bin Laden’s pledge to deliver catastrophic suffering to as many Americans as possible would have been a lot more effective if delivered by a topless Maxim model eating a bowl of fresh cherries. Without that, his film’s raison d’etre all but vanishes.”

Indeed, none of the questionnaires shared by Ruckenmeyer mentioned the obvious political motivations driving Bin Laden’s new release. Not one response referred to the struggle between Bin Laden and the West, any concept related to holy war, or even the attacks of September 11.

However, not all test audiences were in the dark with regard to the film’s intentions. Previews with members of the federal government and the media did not garner the same responses. Ruckenmeyer provides special screenings to VIP audiences so they have time to strategize on how best to scare Americans once the film is released. This latest Bin Laden project struck familiar chords with these elite viewers, who promised in their questionnaires to contextualize the video’s message in a manner average Americans will find entirely useless.

As to the more substantive concerns raised by most audiences, Mailer was certain the final cut would be void of decent T&A.

“I’m no fortune teller, but nothing Bin Laden’s done previously made me think this film would be attractive to a general American audience. He hasn’t yet grasped that his beard is as alluring as a bag full of slugs, so this release is just more of the same old sexless crap.”