Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Leaked McClellen Diaries Surface in Wake of Resignation

Following politics be a family affair, and brother Charlie T. Mickelson Jr. has been doing some snooping and struck gold. Our sincere thanks to Chuck for this contribution. So enjoy, you Princes and Princesses of the Internet, you Kings and Queens of the Blogs.

-----------------------

Washington, DC--Following his romantic and selfless announcement of resignation, newly-former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellen appeared to be genuinely moved (and noticeably erect) when speaking at the shoulder his longtime boss. But in a stunning development, Spank Media has been presented with an excerpt from McClellen's diary entry from the morning he made the announcement. It is presented here, in its entirety, without comment:


Goodbye Day
9:00AM

Dear Diary,

Diary, today I write to you the words I have held in for so long I felt I would burst. Words I never thought I would have a chance to say. Prepare yourself.

Fuck You Helen Thomas, you fucking fuck whore.


9:30AM

Excuse me Diary, but I'm so ashamed. I've experienced yet another spontaneous ejaculation and my Bushie Boner has not subsided since I woke up. Five months now I've been saying I need to talk to someone about this. When does a man know he's losing it?

Honestly Diary, what did she ever want from me? What did any of them want? You think I really knew what the fuck was going on up there? Who do they think I am? Fleisher?

I know, I know, I'm still not over that Prick. Ari was smart, but how hard is it to be Press Boy when the POTUS has a 98% fucking approval rating. Jesus! Ari was drunk half the time! Just send George out on a burning pile of rubble with a bullhorn and tell the Press Corps to finger fuck themselves. All smug and shit. Easy as choking on a pretzel.

I need a drink.


10:15AM

Fuck everything. Dee Dee had Mr. Teflon Chubby Chaser and everyone just loved him. Hell, she was one of their kind! They threw flowers at her! And ME, Diary? Have you paid attention to the horseshit coming out of my mouth on a daily basis? They are killing me out there! And do I get a break? POTUS says, "Hey scooter, just tell them not to mess with a Texas-sized cock. Heh Heh. Go tell 'em that, Heh Heh Heh." And I say, "Oh, Mr. President Sir, another zinger! But you know I can't say 'Texas-sized cock' to the press corps." But he just smirks, "Hekuva job Scooter!" Probably gets hand-jobs from Karl. I could eat my goddamn shoe.


10:48AM

Like I ever gave a crap about Andy Card's opinions. I still think the bullhorn thing would have worked in New Orleans.


11:00AM

Just got a call from VP wishing me well. Whatever Fuckface. Not only do I have a POTUS with a 38% approval rating (which takes TALENT to work with Ari, TALENT, you tight-ass) but you have to go and FUCKING SHOOT A MAN IN THE FUCKING HEAD!!!! And I know you secretly hate that it was me and not Ari when that happened. I KNOW IT. Oh, and I'm sure Ari would have been sooooo cool about it. Probably just make up some shit like, "Look, he shot a Republican. You still think he's too partisan now, bitches?"

That would have been a cool thing to say. God I sucked at this.

My erection is starting to hurt.


12:01PM

POTUS called and I have to go let the cat out of the bag. I don't know when we will talk next Diary, but I do know that I won't have to take this shit anymore. POTUS thinks we should get together back in Crawford and "hang." LOL. Hang this, you turd.

And Fuck you Helen.

Yours,
Scotty

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

McClellan Resigns, Replaced by Old Tire

White House Aims to "Adjust the Role" of the Press Secretary

Breaking News

Washington, DC--In a move that intensifies recent staff shake ups in the Bush Administration, Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced his resignation today on the White House lawn. Flanked by the President, McClellan noted that his departure will provide more time for family, burgers, and masturbation.

The resignation surprised few in Washington. Signals of imminent staff changes were put forth by the President and other administration officials earlier this week, including the new White House Chief of Staff, Joshua Bolten.

McClellan has long been on the front lines of the Bush Administration's struggle to demolish dissent and define truth. Since taking over for Ari Fleisher in 2003, McClellan served during several especially contentious periods of the President's tenure. It's this fact that one official privately admits has taken its toll on "an otherwise jolly guy. Maybe not a guy you would want to hang out with--ever--but you know, a chatterbox type you can politely ignore."

Replacing McClellan will be an old tire. Surprised by the choice, members of the White House Press Corps rudely interrupted today's proceedings with dozens of incredulous questions for the President. Deflecting beautifully, Bush smiled and hinted that the relationship between the press and the White House is about to change dramatically.

"I'm the decider," said Bush. "I get to decide."

The President briefly explained that his administration aims to "adjust the role of the [press] secretary in kind of a way as to change the way he works and comments on issues. And by that I mean, change makes things different."

"This is a good tire that's fit for this job, ready to attend to the business of the American people," stated Bush. Neither he nor Mr. McClellan commented today on when the old tire would hold its first press briefing.

Prior to today's announcement, rumors about outgoing White House staff and potential successors were plentiful. Speculation on a replacement for McClellan ranged from a particularly cute kitten to a FOX News commentator. However, many skeptics cast doubt on those possibilities. Said one analyst, "I can see how either of those two could be floated for Scott's job, but there's just no way. That's just a tad too fucked to be true."

Friday, April 07, 2006

"What Is the Frequency?"

Happy birthday to Donald Barthelme.

1931 - 1989

Thursday, April 06, 2006

A Spank Prayer: Katie Couric's New Adventure

Please, Lord, please O Great and Powerful Master, He who hath already punished us with American Idol and Axe Body Spray, please O pretty please deliver us from Katie Couric. Shield us from the monstrosity that is her face. Save me from episodes of projectile vomiting when she pretends to be an anchor after 15 years of trash television. As if the content of Today is somehow one step away from what we should actually care about. As if she's thinking about anything other than her millions. As if it isn't blatantly obvious that when she looks in the mirror she sees a movie star. Please, Dear Lord of All Things Fine and Hideously Stupid, let us not play Where in the World Is Matt Lauer? ever, ever again. (Forgive me, Father, for I realize that's a bit off topic, but since we're mentioning Today I thought I'd just stick it in, if you catch my drift). Anyway, Lord, grace us with your strength in this time of unparalleled need. Lead us not to the CBS Evening News to hear Katie Couric interviewing world leaders for fear of being struck dead by ocean-sized irony. Save us from Couric-style on-location news reporting; from her trademark tone of forged concern; from her histrionic, get-tough questions for politicians during election years; from each and every opportunity she'll take to wax poetic on the issues of the day. O, Dearest and Most Powerful Pummeler, King Shit of Fuck Sky, please, in your heavenly name we pray. Amen.