Friday, January 25, 2008

Bill Clinton Decks Reporter for Insubordination

News Station Begs Former President for Forgiveness, Promises Full Compliance

Greenville, SC—Former president Bill Clinton cleaned a reporter’s clock today moments after appearing at a Hillary Clinton campaign rally. Reacting to a question he presumably thought was insufficiently obedient, Mr. Clinton coolly delivered a devastating right hook that sent the offending reporter crashing to the floor in a puddle of shame.

“Oops, looks like Mr. Kent is going to miss his filing deadline,” Clinton quipped before walking away, stopping briefly to ask an Associated Press cameraman if he wanted “a piece of what Clark got.”

The encounter occurred as Mr. Clinton exited the stage and was on his way out of the auditorium. As Clinton passed a group of journalists, News Channel 12 reporter Sean Hampton asked why Hillary Clinton was not campaigning in South Carolina this week. Mr. Clinton instantly turned with a grin and threw his punch, finishing Mr. Hampton in the blink of an eye.

Mr. Clinton’s right hook was surprising to onlookers since the former president is a lefty. But even more surprising was that the blow was not accompanied by the degrading follow-up punches Mr. Clinton typically unleashes on semiconscious opponents.

Within minutes of Mr. Hampton hitting the ground, the reporter’s employers issued a full apology to Mr. Clinton and promised acceptable behavior in the future.

“News Channel 12 regrets the actions of Sean Hampton, a know-it-all hack we’ve never liked anyway,” the statement read. “Although we take responsibility for Mr. Hampton’s insolence, the fact is he acted on his own without our knowledge. We guarantee that the Clintons will never again have reason to doubt the sincerity of News Channel 12. Mr. President, Sir, Great One, we humbly submit our most sincere apologies and pray you can forgive us. Thank you for not traveling to our studios to pummel every last one of us.”

As of this writing Hillary Clinton’s campaign has made no official statement regarding today’s incident. Mr. Clinton was reachable for comment virtually all day, but no journalist would go near him. Clinton followed his appearance in Greenville with a stop in Columbia, where he rallied supporters and referred to Barack Obama as a “talented politician who has triumphed over his crime-filled past.”

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Clinton Campaign Imitates Parody

Actual quote from a Clinton advisor: “If you have a social need, you’re with Hillary. If you want Obama to be your imaginary hip black friend and you’re young and you have no social needs, then he’s cool.”

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Clinton Takes New Hampshire, Drops Plan to Penalize Americans for Iowa Loss

Manchester, NH—Hillary Clinton’s impressive upset victory over Barack Obama in yesterday’s New Hampshire presidential primary has revitalized her campaign and spared millions of Americans from harm, according to anonymous Clinton strategists. The win not only keeps Mrs. Clinton in the race, but it negates her plan to ruthlessly punish Americans for jeopardizing her right to the Democratic nomination.

“Thank you, New Hampshire,” Clinton exclaimed as a crowd of supporters erupted in applause. “Thank you for proving the polls wrong and showing America how to follow orders.”

“Because of you,” continued Clinton, “we’re going to take our fight to the rest of the nation. We’re in this for the long run. And if Americans who know what’s good for them follow your lead, we’ll reshape the presidency into a private club occupied by two power families. We’ll make sure that partisanship and hopeful divisiveness continue to thrive.”

Clinton did not mention the penalties she is thought to have planned for Americans following her embarrassment in Iowa. However, insiders suggest that New Hampshire’s registered Democrats saved the country from a nightmare so relentless we would wish we were never born.

Making the most of her first victory speech, Clinton promised to continue running a strong campaign up to and after her mandatory coronation at this year’s Democratic convention.

“I pledge to you, the good and compliant voters of New Hampshire, to make sure my inspiring message is heard everywhere,” said Clinton. “I pledge a tone so overwhelmingly positive that the insubordinate misogynists in Iowa will weep for weeks over their grave folly. You see, my strongest opponent may have lines of supporters a mile long everywhere he speaks, and he may have lines of warm and fuzzy rhetoric for foolhardy voters who like to play with fire, and he may have lines of another kind up the nose of his past, but we all know you need more than that to be an effective president. Thank you, New Hampshire, and thank you, America. I’m glad we understand each other.”