Condoleezza Rice Has 12 Things to Do Today

1. Execute morning routine to perfection: Spring out of bed at 4:00 a.m. Pray. Stretch. Rock the treadmill while the stereo blares Wagner. Shower. Guzzle specially formulated breakfast shake. Dress in killer suit. Practice saying yes to the President.
2. Nail morning briefings with senior officials. Stifle giggles whenever the President speaks. Continue personal crusade to turn “Barbara Boxer” into a negative descriptor: “I’m not sure I see your point, Mr. Secretary. Damn it, don’t Barbara Boxer me on this. If I want Boxerism I’ll go in front of one of those repulsive Senate panels.”
3. Meet with State Department staff on strategies for upcoming meetings with Quartet leaders. Secretly wish she could bag the whole trip. Stare off into space for a bit. Write IRAN several times in the margins of her notes.
4. Sit straight-faced during a morning interview with MSNBC. Revise history with characteristic eloquence.
5. Ignore two calls from Cheney. Downplay the increasing creepiness in his voicemail messages. He’s just tired--he’s a good guy who needs a break. Everybody rambles like that in a voicemail once in a while. Anyone can get carried away.
6. Say yes to the President.
7. Prank call Karl Rove. When he answers, say “Fatwhiteguysayswhat? Excuse me? Chronicmasturbatoresayswhat? I’m sorry?”
8. Schedule 20-minute block of “me time” after lite lunch. Relax on office couch and drift into a dream: George Clooney eyes her from across a crowded street. She meets Falwell at a fundraiser and tells him to stick it. She goes to a glitzy Hollywood awards show and Jaime Foxx seeks her out in the crowd. Oh, how that man can sing. He motions her to the stage and stretches out on top of a spotless grand piano, puts on his Ray glasses. The house lights dim. She starts playing a bit of Ellington. Katie Couric stands in the shadows backstage, waving and winking suggestively. Soon the spotlight’s heat puts Foxx in a sweat, Condi notices the hall is empty, they’re all alone...
9. Wake to the phone ringing; tell Rove she didn’t call him earlier. Make up excuses about nonstop meetings, explain that she wasn’t even near a phone, and then deflect by getting snippy about reports she requested from the White House. Demand to know where they are. Go on about “the hold up over there” and tell him to “make it snappy this time.”
10. Buzz aides, pretend to be swamped. Tell them to order take out, but no Thai this time, enough already with the Thai. Visit www.rice2008.com and log in as “True Believer 12.” Order six Condi bobble heads, post comments all over the Condiblogs, and take the Condi Poll again.
11. Call Rove. Of course he answers--he’s always there, he’s just asking for it. “Shitflowersayswhat? I beg your pardon?”
12. Wrap up a little early. Summon her driver and tell him to take the long way tonight. Ask again if he wants to go skinny dipping in the Potomac. Chuckle with him over their little joke until they pass the White House. Fall silent. Take a nip of the scotch she keeps under the seat. Take another nip. Then another.

Democrats Dare Bush to Stay Out of Iran

By Chuck T. Mickelson

Senate Democrats took a tough stand against President Bush today, part of an effort to soften the drumbeat for the attack on Iran that’s totally going to happen. Majority Leader Harry Reid, in an elaborate show of Democratic opposition to the President, spoke at a press conference to deliver what he described as “the strongest rebuke of the Bush White House to date.”

“Mr. President, we know what you’re up to,” warned Reid, flanked by a dozen Democratic Senators. “Do not assume Congress will roll over for you this time like it has once or twice in the past, or maybe a couple dozen times, or...whatever. But hear this: fool us once, shame on you. Fool us 20 times, more shame on you. Try to fool us this time, and you leave us no choice but to double-dog dare you stay out of Iran!”

Despite the tough talk, Vice President Dick Cheney was unmoved by the Senate’s boldness. In an interview with anyone other than that bastard Wolf Blitzer, Cheney claimed the Democrats’ action is meaningless. “Hippies resort to dares,” explained Cheney. “And we all know hippies don’t know how to support troops. Besides, it’s clear to me that Democrats lack the stomachs for a triple-dog dare with infinity lock and no tag-backs—the kind of dare that actually has a pair of balls.”

Speaking later to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Reid remained steadfast in the face of the Vice President’s criticism. “Mr. Cheney is making a mistake if he thinks we aren’t serious,” noted Reid. “Our goal is a simple one: to show the American people that we understand how to exercise the power they entrusted in us last November. And that’s why we created this mostly-united, sternly-worded dare, this suggestion of possible action that may eventually force a vote for discussion by Congress in such a way that is completely nonbinding and doesn’t ruffle any important feathers. Our troops deserve no less.”

Cheney's Note Taking Becomes Noticeably Eerie

Check it. Our favorite inside source snatched this from Cheney's trash can:

Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer

Is.

Totally.

Out.

Of.

Line.

I object to the whole premise. I object to the whole premise of Wolf. I object to the whole premise of Wolf Blitzer. I object to the whole premise. I object to the whole premise of Wolf. I object to the whole premise of Wolf Blitzer. I object to the whole premise. I object to the whole premise of Wolf. I object to the whole premise of Wolf Blitzer. I object. I object. I object to Wolf Blitzer. I object. I object. I object to his ass face.