Sunday, October 29, 2006

Bobble Head Love Shocker!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Bush to Bush: Timetables Will Embolden Terrorists

Washington, DC--A fiery George W. Bush accused George W. Bush of endorsing a “cut and run” strategy for the Iraq war today, a move the President insisted will bolster the efforts of terrorists in Iraq and across the globe. The tough rhetoric came just a day after the President lambasted the President for being “such a total fucking flip flopper,” referencing reports that the President had retired the phrase “stay the course.”

“George W. Bush promised to stay the course in Iraq and leave an unmitigated mess for the next President to deal with,” said Bush. “Now he says that ‘stay the course’ left the wrong impression about our fight against the terrorists. Well, I for one call bullshit.”

In a press briefing following the President’s unusually candid remarks, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow echoed Bush’s stinging complaints about Bush.

“Listen, the President is just reiterating what the President has been saying about people like the President all along in this war. It’s the same thing, so get out your pens and write it down: This is a long war. America needs a President that does what he says and says what he means, not someone who’s going to change horses mid stream” said Snow. “So no one should be surprised when the President speaks out against a President who’ll say he actually voted for chocolate ice cream before he voted for vanilla ice cream. Pretty soon our troops will be eating freeze-dried Neapolitan, and everybody knows that sucks.”

But in a sign that the President is feeling pressure from the President, Bush spent the morning in closed-door meetings with top Cabinet officials, avoiding all media attention.

Mr. Snow said that the President will emerge when he has a break from his schedule, attempting to diminish speculation that Bush’s remarks caused Bush to keep a low profile on Tuesday.

“As always the President is conducting the business of the American people,” noted Snow. “The frankly baseless complaints of his critics in the Oval Office are not going to knock the President off his stride.”

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Republicans Blame Clinton for All Problems in Every Place Ever

Washington DC--GOP leaders expressed extreme dismay with Bill Clinton today, announcing that all problems ever experienced by anyone or anything ever in the history of time are the fault of the former President. In a somber press release issued early this morning, top Republicans noted “immeasurable sadness” for the myriad problems caused by every action Bill Clinton has ever taken in his miserably destructive life.

“It is our humble wish to provide comfort to everyone hurt by the abominable former President,” the statement read. “We want all living beings ever created to know that we are praying for them.”

Word of the Republicans’ message saturated media outlets throughout the world within minutes of its release, as humans all over the globe were united in a debilitating depression of Clinton’s design. Markets crashed in Asia and widespread blackouts were reported in western Europe.

Across America, response to the GOP declaration of blame was swift and emotional. Symbols of sadness and despair dotted street corners, homes, and schools alike. A mega church on the outskirts of an Ohio suburb displayed a sign that read, “Lord Jesus, save us from Monster Clinton.” An Alabama grocery store owner closed his doors, lamenting that fresh food is pointless “when you consider everything that man has ruined.” And on a sleepy Missouri playground, a 6-year-old girl was found crying and abandoned. The shivering child clutched a homemade card on which was written, “Mister Clintun, please stop hurting mommy.”

Schools across the country closed, airports cancelled hundreds of flights, and Congress hinted that it will not return to Washington after its fall recess is over. Said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, “Thanks to the unmitigated arrogance and deviance of William Jefferson Clinton--the disgrace he brought to the presidency, the country, the entire world--Congress is cancelled indefinitely.”

At the White House, emotions ran unusually high as flags were lowered to half mast and staffers gathered to comfort one another. The normally hectic West Wing was reduced to a trickle of activity, as President Bush delivered an impromptu television address in an effort to express sympathy for the devastated planet. With his voice breaking, Bush told viewers that there’s nothing anyone can do about anything anymore.

“From now and forever,” said Bush, “Clinton has obliterated everything worthwhile. God save us.”