Bush Begins Barnstorming Tour to Congratulate America

Dayton, OH--Spank Media

A giddy President Bush began a two-week barnstorming tour today to congratulate Americans for being so amazing. The 24-city trip marks the first time a President has crisscrossed the country with the express purpose of showering every citizen with unadulterated praise.

Appearing at a Dayton auditorium in front of a packed crowd of pre-screened Bush loyalists--perhaps an unsurprising choice for the tour's opening day--Bush leapt onto the stage while a sound system blared Outkast's popular hip-hop anthem Hey Ya.

"Hello Ohio! How's everybody doin' out there this morning?" inquired the jubilant President, a greeting the excited crowd immediately answered with a roar of approval and a hail of flashbulbs. But before the rapturous greeting could be absorbed, the President launched into some of the finest colloquialisms and self-deprecating icebreakers lavished on audiences since the peak days of Bush-Cheney '04.

Commanding the stage with his trademark smirk and a well-polished version of his quasi-adopted Midwestern vocal stylings, Bush sounded refreshingly confident as he proceeded to peel off riff after riff of congratulatory one-liners.

"I just wanna say thank you t'all a y'all out there making this country the greatest that ever was," offered the President early on in the morning's blistering set, the glittery-eyed crowd hanging on his every compliment. "Heckava job! Each and every one of ya!"

Clearly inspired by a crowd entranced with his persona, Bush pumped out layer after layer of admiration highlighted with sharp, spirit-boosting expressions. Although the numbers seemed expertly rehearsed, at least a few moments contained traces of biting spontaneity. After one particularly boisterous round of applause, the President exclaimed, "If I'da known it was gonna be this kinda barbeque, I'da had Turd Blossom bring the beer!"

With characteristic brilliance, the President went on to mix his commendations with a generous smattering of classic topics and heartwarming segues, including "common sense," "hard work," "it's like that old story where...," "the sanctity of marriage," and "the brave men and women." Judging just which accolade drew the most applause is difficult, though several standouts were clear. And as he left the stage following a brief encore, the howling crowd was left wanting more with Bush's parting gem, "But then, you already know how I feel about hard-working American families."

Although a multitude of liberal crybabies are angry about the President's tour, decrying what's been termed a shamefully cheap PR stunt during a period of increasing uncertainty in Iraq, it was clear the Bush team wasn't interested in appeasing its enemies in Ohio. As one dazed loyalist put it after the speech, "I actually wet myself! Really! I just let it all out right there in the front row. Freakin' amazing show!"

House Appropriations Committee Suspected of Eating a Pizza Delivery Guy

Hot stuff happening on Capitol Hill today. Details are still murky, but my sources say a local pizza delivery guy failed to return after taking "a huge order" to a long-running meeting of the Committee on Appropriations. The owner of the pizzeria says his employee initially refused to make the delivery and told his supervisors that he detested "that pack of monsters," but the young man was eventually convinced to soldier on with his job. Sources also say two Congressional aides reported seeing the delivery guy enter the meeting chamber, but can't remember seeing him leave. According to one reporter I know on the inside:

The buzz on this has been getting louder all morning, and I guess it will hit the wires within an hour or two. The aide I spoke with said she entered the meeting room shortly after it cleared out last night and that it was an absolute pigsty. Trashed pizza boxes and empty Coke bottles were "all over the place," and she said the room seemed to have a rank odor somewhere beneath the smell of grease and stale coffee. I couldn't confirm this, but a fellow reporter I spoke with says a janitor found a "weirdly scuffed" sneaker and "smiling pizza man hat" under the tables and discarded paper plates. The same reporter says Chairman Jerry Lewis was seen leaving the Hill in a hurry last night and so far hasn't been reached for comment. And so it goes for every member of the Committee. Anyway, this thing's probably gonna blow up but I can already hear McClellan in my head, droning on about how it's the "Administration's policy not to comment on an ongoing investigation." Christ, that guy is such a punk. Just imagine what he must look like when he eats! If I were his wife I would gas myself.

Some of the other reporters that occasionally send me information are echoing similar versions of these details. I plan to follow up with them and pursue other leads as soon as I get over this crushing hangover... I woke up on the floor this morning with my head resting in a pile of Cheese Nips and my shirt only halfway off. And if someone would just make a Tylenol worth a shit I could see to type more than this and get the scoop for you. But for now I'm just going back to bed. Word to the wise: Champagne Kills.

Nighty night.

Feedback: Reader Response to Family-Friendly Porn

An overwhelming portion of this blog's reader was alarmed by the recent press release from Concerned Families, announcing its line of "family-friendly" pornography. Everyone here at the Spank offices enjoyed reading the loads of e-mail message that poured in, from which a clip is posted here:

I see [Concerned Families' line of family-friendly pornography] as one more not-so-subtle way for Christians to make money by exploiting hard-working people in the sex industry. If they take porno off the streets and bring it into their family rooms, how much longer will it be before the hidden world of the depraved can't provide income for those that need secrecy to feed their families? If they are really concerned for families they should be concerned for all families, since America is full of families that this "Concerned" organization seems to be marginalizing. What about the Manson Family? We don't hear much from them lately, but the concern should still be there.

--Buzzy


Thanks for sharing.