AIG Executives Eat Bailout Money, Spark Uproar

New York—America was completely fucking outraged today when AIG executives called a press conference and proceeded to eat more than $100 million in bailout money supplied by the U.S. Treasury. More than 250 executives plunged their faces into a gold-plated trough filled with cash and gorged themselves until they vomited and passed out.

Reaction to AIG’s punk rock move was explosive. Americans from all walks of life were super pissed. Politicians railed to the media, the media railed to themselves, citizens spit forth torrents of jumbled hyperbole, pet dogs sprayed diarrhea with abandon on their owners’ rugs, and trees fell on cars and power lines without warning.

On Capitol Hill, Congressman Barney Frank was one of many legislators to express unfiltered outrage at the AIG executives. Complaining to a group of reporters about the scandalous cash feast, Rep. Frank let spittle fly as he shouted, “Dar! Dar! Dar! Taxpayers! Taxpayers! Dar! Dar! Dar!”

Later in the day, President Obama joined the bitch session. In a hastily arranged press conference on the White House lawn, Mr. Obama called the AIG stunt “disgusting” and “outrageous.” The President pledged to make even more harsh statements throughout the coming week.

One of the brightest displays of American fury occurred during the Fox News program The O’Reilly Factor. Shortly after the show began, popular host Bill O’Reilly lost his mind and lambasted the “monsters” at AIG. He then referred to President Obama as “that spineless, far-left babypants in the White House who was too scared to stop this mess.”

Mr. O’Reilly became so enraged that he demolished the show’s set with an axe. Guests Karl Rove and Ari Fleischer fled as O’Reilly unleashed his anger and annihilated nearby objects, turning the floor around his feet into a mess of splinters, jagged metal, plastic, and glass. The violent scene ended when fellow Fox News personality Sean Hannity intervened to calm Mr. O’Reilly, who soon offered a tearful apology to viewers.

Despite the intense anger from so many Americans, AIG made no attempt to dampen tempers as the day wore on. To the contrary, this afternoon the company released an aggressive statement that taunted the nation and demanded “less crying, more cash.”

“Ate all your Bozo Bucks,” the statement read. “Need more asap for big important sexy party. Don’t ask.”

By nightfall hundreds of protesters had gathered outside AIG headquarters in New York City. Fuming but nonviolent, the picketers shouted chants such as “Give it back!” and “Money isn’t pig food!”

“It just makes you so sick,” said Donald Tartenfunk, an unemployed music teacher who has not filed an income tax return in 5 years. “They’re in there eating our children’s futures. They’re lighting their cigars with $100 bills. That money was supposed to create jobs. We want it back!”

Protests are expected to last throughout the weekend, or until everyone would rather go home or hit Starbucks.

At press time there was no word from the Treasury Department or the White House on how the government would angrily placate AIG’s latest demands. Said one anonymous Treasury official, “We just need to take the weekend and get some rest. Check back with us on Monday. By then we’ll have a better idea what our next fumble will look like.”

Heavy Rotation Friday

Chug it.

The Worry in Washington: Obama Has Too Much on His Plate

There’s no disputing the fact that President Obama has plenty of important tasks to contend with. The historically stalled economy and two difficult wars are just the beginning. Now, less than 60 days into his presidency, the buzz in Washington has turned to whether Mr. Obama can manage everything on his plate.

Administration officials have been busy this week firmly portraying President Obama as focused on each and every item before him. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, and others have all brushed aside concerns that the President has too much to handle. Regardless, the chorus of worry grew so loud this week that Mr. Obama personally downplayed the concerns on Thursday.

“Look, in my estimation I have 124 peas on my plate,” said the President to a small group of reporters. “In addition I have several ounces of grilled chicken breast covered with a lite honey mustard glaze, as well as a healthy serving of polenta and a side of apple sauce. That may be a lot, but I think if you ask any American, you know, is this too much for one plate, I think they would say no.”

“Besides,” the President continued, “I think Americans elected me to try and clean my plate no matter what’s on it.”

But critics remained unsatisfied by the assertions of the President and his staff. Republican congressional leaders and television and radio personalities alike have openly expressed worry about the fullness of the President’s plate. Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on The Today Show on Wednesday and challenged the President’s assessment.

“The President says he’s focused on cleaning his plate,” said Senator McConnell. “But what President Obama’s not saying is how much salad he has to finish before he can get to the particular plate he’s talking about. We know he likes his fancy radicchio. We know that for a fact. And if you pay attention you’ll notice the President doesn’t mention his breakfast, which is bursting with nourishing whole-grain cereals and flax, fresh oranges, heart-healthy grapefruit, kiwi, coffee, milk, juice, toast, maybe a dollop of organic jam, a few dried figs, waffles, pancakes, probably an egg or two—without the yolks, of course. I don’t think he eats scrapple, but that’s still a ton of food.”

Other prominent figures expressing concern this week included Michael Steele, embattled chairman of the Republican National Committee.

“The socialist in Obama wants you to believe he’s got room for everything, that he can spread all the calories around” Steele told a CNN correspondent on Thursday. “But no one in the administration mentions snacks between meals. They still haven’t admitted Obama eats a granola bar before his morning workout. Everybody knows he loves expensive Kashi bars, but they won’t just say it. When is he gonna come clean? Americans have a right to know how many handfuls of trail mix their President is eating on Air Force One.”

Publicly, administration officials dismissed Mr. Steele’s comments as exaggerated, with one aide calling the comments “ridiculous.” However, multiple sources close to the White House privately worry Mr. Obama may soon develop a “tummy ache.” Indeed, leading dietitians have noted that while the President’s dietary choices appear to be nutritious overall, the sheer quantity of food items may lead to indigestion or, worse, weight gain. Such experts note that excessive weight is associated with a range of chronic health conditions, including heart disease, diabetes, and insanity.

Despite the increasing pressure, by press time the White House had not released detailed portion sizes for the President’s weekend meals. While officials appear to have staved off the release of Mr. Obama’s imminent meal plans, the White House is certain to face ongoing questions in the coming week. Said one administration staffer late Friday, “We know this is an issue that will continue to marinate, but no one’s reaching for the Pepto. Shit, I could go for a burger right now.”