Wednesday News Round-Up

I’ve been a lazy editor. I admit it. I’d planned to work on stories this past weekend with our crack staff, but I canceled a scheduled conference call and went out for burgers and beer. Pints of creamy Guinness on a sunny Saturday afternoon proved too tempting. Besides, my motivation was zapped—the night before one of our reporters got lit and called me from the bar to accuse me of having an “obviously sexist and irrational anti-Clinton obsession.” It was an ugly conversation in which he threatened to quit unless I “come clean and admit” that I’ve been “indoctrinated by liberal media fascists” who long to report on a Clinton collapse rather than “the plain facts piggy editors have always ignored.” Lucky for me, I had also been drinking and knew enough to put the phone down and let him scream himself to sleep.

We patched things up today but didn’t feel much like collaborating on a good scoop. Instead, we spent the morning scouring the Internets and selecting the day’s best stories. Enjoy.

• Although not yet picked up by major media outlets, a few blogs are reporting that John McCain’s liberal use of the word “comeback” is irritating family, friends, campaign staff, Senate colleagues, reporters assigned to his campaign, constituents in Arizona, hotel employees within ear shot, and his bus driver. Said one staffer, “It’s so bad I’m pining for the days when the word ‘maverick’ made me want to light myself on fire.”
• A month-long investigation by Lou Dobbs has revealed that undocumented immigrants routinely breathe air and possess their own opinions. Dobbs claims that media silence over this outrage is proof that corporate media puppeteers are sluts for amnesty. Once again, prize-worthy reporting from the Dobbs shop.
• The New York Times reported today that Wisconsin and Hawaii have been added to the list of states the Clinton campaign doesn’t count.
• President Bush apparently sat down with Tucker Carlson for a relaxed interview that will air in a few weeks. The interview is said to focus mainly on policy matters related to the President’s final year in office, but also included is candid discussion of his favorite torture techniques. Sources who’ve seen the interview tell us Bush is a big fan of stress positions, which he thinks are more effective than glitzy headline grabbers like waterboarding and sleep deprivation.
• Yes, the Navy is going to shoot a satellite out of orbit using missiles that cost $10 million a pop. Starting tomorrow.
• Several media outlets ran reports covering Barack Obama’s speech in Houston last night, wherein he promised that every American can enjoy their favorite flavor of ice cream any time they want. Senator Obama explained to an arena full of energized supporters that if Americans are ready for a new kind of politics, they should expect toppings to include sprinkles, hot fudge, peanut butter sauce, whipped cream, graham crackers, nuts, cherries, M&Ms, Reese’s Pieces, chocolate shavings, chocolate chips, gummy bears, chocolate-covered gummy bears, Oreo cookies, bananas, marshmallow cream, brownie bits, and those awesome little pieces of Heath bar.
• NPR ran a piece yesterday that made us wish we had Karl Rove’s weight in 100 dollar bills.
• If you’re not doing anything in July, Religious Right organizations announced today that they plan to hold their annual Hate and Shame Summit in Colorado Springs. Jointly organized by God Fearing Families and 500 Men Who Subjugate Women, participants can expect a fun-filled week of xenophobia, religious extremism, narrowly defined patriotism, and games for the kids. Intensive workshops will include “Traditional Gender Role Reinforcement,” “Defending Creationism at the Grocery Store,” and “Stop, Drop, and Roll: Strategies for the Culture War.” If this sounds like a lot of work, relax! Participants unwind every evening with movies, campfires, ice cream socials, psychological hazing, karaoke, and square dancing.
• Lastly, we have no idea what’s going on in Mike Huckabee’s latest campaign commercial:

What You Cannot Expect on Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday is a bit lame for a lot of reasons. Suffering from inescapable dread over the coming wave of media coverage, we found ourselves wondering what it would look like if that crack political squad on CNN suddenly engaged in a spontaneous orgy. Would they become more appealing? Less appealing?

Here are a few other things you can’t expect tonight:

• Mitt Romney to talk at length about Battlefield Earth, his favorite novel.
• Free hits of Orange Sunshine for any voter who participates in exit polling.
• Admission from Mike Huckabee that his political kinship with Chuck Norris has “evolved into passionate and frequent lovemaking for Christ.”
• Dick Cheney to shoot someone else in the face.
• Live interviews with John Edwards from the squash court in his home—the likes of which most people in both Americas can’t afford.
• Karl Rove to tell his Fox News colleagues that Barack Obama has been successful because “the media has been very desirous that a Black quarterback can do well.”
• Clinton campaign to change its motto to “Embracing Dynasty on Day One!”
• John McCain to dance bare-chested to Mama Said Knock You Out.
• Ralph Nader to give up on any future presidential run after realizing his motivations may be rooted in colossal vanity.
• Barack Obama to promise that he will “bring Americans of all backgrounds together to drink the pain away.”