Letters: What's On Your Minds, Kids?

Dear Spank,
Why is Hillary Clinton so horrible?

Ollie
Mt. Judge, PA

Ollie,
From everything I’ve read, it’s incredibly difficult to program androids to mimic complex human qualities, such as sincerity. Throughout this tiresome campaign season I’ve come to realize that a lot of what puts people off about Hillary is related to the limits of robotology, if you will. I think that when one thinks of Clinton in these realistic terms, she’s rather impressive.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but perhaps you should pick on someone from your own species.

Spank

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Hi Spank,
Why is Mitt Romney so horrible?

Jill
Hartford, CT

Jill,
Great question, and it’s one that’s been puzzling me too. I don’t want to be cruel and automatically point out that Mormonism is on the unflattering side of insanity, but I admit it’s hard not to factor in the notion that his religion was founded by a serial rapist, or that his church didn’t realize Black people existed until a few weeks ago. Besides, we can go on all day about religion and get nowhere. So what if Romney’s much-publicized speech last week simultaneously watered down the beliefs of dominant religions while overstating their similarities with Mormonism? So what if he effectively implied that people of no religion have no place in American society? Why does that matter?

Some people might say, what about the fact that Romney is perhaps the biggest flip-flopper in the Republican field? They might also say, why aren’t more conservatives appalled by the searing irony in Romney’s scolding GOP rivals about their conservative values? Some might continue, shouldn’t voters be concerned that Romney says he wants to run the country like a business after having made his fortune as a corporate tyrant? Some might also inquire, is it true that on family car trips he used to put his dog in a pet carrier strapped to the top of the car, and that said dog got so frightened during one trip that he defecated all over the vehicle? Some people might ask, why does he have such a fetish for Guantanamo Bay? Does anyone else get the sense that he actually supports torture? And how does that square with his faith? What would his dog say?

But I don’t know, Jill. I guess I’m stumped.

Spank

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Dear Spank,
Why is Barack Obama so horrible?

Harry
Brewer, PA

Dear Harry,
He’s not.

Spank

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Dear Spank,
Do you think Rudolph Giuliani will ever stop being horrible?

Mim
Los Angeles, CA

Mim,
I get it. You’re one of those hippie dreamers flogging away on a bongo and smoking dope because you can’t get a job. You think freedom and prosperity happens without sacrificing personal liberties bit by bit, or submitting to the authoritarian tendencies of an egomaniac who married his second cousin in 1968 when your boomer parents were doing what you’re doing now on better acid. You think habeas corpus should apply to terrorists or innocent victims erroneously accused of terrorist activity by their heartless neighbors for CIA cash.

Just stop it, Mim. Grow up. You want a safer America? Have the stomach for a bombed-out Iran. You want a solution to the culture wars? Summon an ounce of pride and support the GOP candidate who’s been married three times and wears dresses while using NYC taxpayer dollars in support of his romantic conquests. You want an efficient White House? Stand up for the only candidate who had the guts to ask Bush to nominate Bernard Kerik for the post of Secretary of Homeland Security, a man who could potentially be convicted of crimes worth a maximum of 150 years in jail. That’s leadership, Mim. That’s toughness, and it’s what America needs. Get with the program.

Take care of yourself,
Spank

Huckabee Finds Strength in His Faith, Hatred of Gays

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is on the rise. Despite lagging badly in polls since launching his campaign, the former Arkansas Governor and evangelical minister suddenly has political analysts contemplating whether he may yet become the candidate of choice for America’s conservative Christian voters.

While it’s obvious Huckabee’s struggle to get to this point has not been easy, the candidate isn’t surprised by his increasing popularity. And he’s not the only one. Ask any of Huckabee’s aides and they’ll immediately credit him with an inspirational strength deeply rooted in Christian faith and hatred of gay people.

“With Mike you have a tireless, driven candidate who continually draws strength from two key areas,” one advisor would have said if we’d asked. “First, he approaches most political issues from a religious standpoint that harmonizes with his deep faith in God, Jesus Christ, and all of the benevolent teachings in Christianity. Second, he just hates the gays.”

Such convictions are evident in Huckabee’s stances on key issues, even though he occasionally draws the ire of Republican voters. For example, although he opposed the so-called “amnesty bill” that failed in June, Huckabee supports the provision of basic health services to illegal immigrants, instead of just letting them rot or whatever. Additionally, Huckabee’s stance on energy policy is often viewed as too green when compared to his GOP rivals, a posture the candidate attributes to a holy obligation to protect the environment.

Perhaps not as surprising, Huckabee’s positions on notable social issues include opposition to abortion, strong support for traditional marriage, and a steadfast interest in restricting liberty and human dignity for all homosexuals.

“And that’s what keeps me going when I’m feeling down,” Huckabee might say if you got him half drunk. “Knowing I have to guard against them. The way they strut and make a mockery. As if they’re entitled to it, you know? You see, the way I see it is we have two wars: There’s the war in the Middle East against the Islamics, the war against the gays, and the war against Christ, or I mean the war for Christ. For our Lord Jesus.”

“Seriously, I can stop it. All this decadence, I mean,” Huckabee might continue if you got him undeniably shit-faced. “It’s like they’re trying to cram it down your throat, if you know what I mean. But not that way. Not the way you think. Oh, stop laughing. Not the way you think, you little punk errand boy for the PC army of Massachusetts. You Hillary supporter. Oh, don’t shake your head. Don’t deny it. Don’t try to pretend like you know I won’t demolish her in the general erection. Don’t placate me, boy!”

“It’s because Jesus is the one gives me my strength,” slurs Huckabee, now that you’ve gotten him so trashed that his eyes are barely open and he’s about to pass out. “And that’s because I am a child of his Father, the Lord on the right hand, because the left is the wrong hand. You notice that in the scriptures, did’ncha punk? Stupid little lefty media whore. Jesus sits hisself at the right hand of the Lord. Right. Now watch my hand. Watch this hand…my hand. Look at my hand, I said. Goddamn it. Look at the hand of the Lord. You will know me and his name when we make it right by a damn sight, you will. Bet your ass. Unless you’re some kinda queer.”