Bush Confirms War Will Have No End

Washington, DC--During a tense exchange on the White House lawn yesterday, President Bush told reporters that war will last forever. The exchange took place shortly after reporters began questioning Bush about Iraq, including inquiries about hotly debated war funding legislation.

Having just stepped out of his helicopter, the President was walking with senior staff toward the White House when the questioning started. At first appearing to wave off reporters, Mr. Bush did not immediately respond to the queries. But within moments he made a sharp turn and walked directly at an Associated Press reporter.

Noticeably flushed and agitated, the President asked, “What? I’m sorry, what?”

The reporter responded by repeating a question she had just asked about timetables for troop withdrawal—what some top Republicans call “surrender dates.”

“Mr. President,” she said, “your administration has rejected the notion of attaching timetables to success in Iraq…”

“I guess you’re new here,” interrupted the President.

“Actually, no, sir,” the reporter responded. “Under what circumstances, if any, might your administration consider a timeframe for achieving…”

Again the President interrupted the reporter, stating, “None. Nada. We’re not leaving. Ever.”

An audible gasp burst forth from the assembled reporters.

“So how do you like them apples?” asked Bush.

Within an instant senior advisor Karl Rove began making his way over to the President. As Mr. Rove approached, he put a hand on Bush’s elbow and whispered in his ear. Rove then seemed to tug Bush gently away from the reporter, but the President stepped closer.

“Mr. President,” said another journalist. “Did you just say that the U.S. is not planning to leave Iraq…at all?”

The President challenged, “What? I stutter now?”

Again Mr. Rove tugged at Bush’s elbow, and again the President shook it off.

“Let me tell you something,” Bush said sternly, leaning so close to the AP reporter that she took a step back. “Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids. Forget it. We’re never coming home.”

Witnesses standing close to the exchange said no one moved or made a sound for a moment. The scene became increasingly awkward as White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten approached the President and took hold of his free arm.

The three men then appeared to struggle in a way that suggested Bush was resisting attempts to pull him away. But in the next moment Bush clearly gave in, stumbling a bit while allowing his handlers to guide him back toward the White House. The President glared at the AP reporter before turning away, both biceps firmly in the grips of Rove and Bolten.

As the men continued toward the White House, Mr. Rove turned back to reporters and offered a smile and a thumbs-up. As quickly as it began, the encounter was over.

Today’s regularly scheduled White House press briefing has been canceled.

Nobody Said Anything

Happy birthday to Raymond Carver.

1938 - 1988

A Lame Duck’s Agenda

The 2008 election cycle is kicking into gear. Hooray for all of us. However, this development also signals that the wildly successful Bush presidency is winding down. We wonder: what will be the highlights of Bush’s final months in office? Here are some of our best guesses, with thanks to a spectacular Miller High Life buzz:

• Deliver several more manly announcements aboard aircraft carriers.
• Abolish public approval ratings.
• Award the Medal of Freedom to Karl Rove.
• Make vaginas illegal.
• Create the U.S. Department of Promise Keepers.
• Publish Dissolving Civil Liberties for Dummies.
• Establish “Ice Cream Fridays” at Guantanamo Bay.
• Abandon press conferences. Communicate via prerecorded videos starring a greased-up monkey named Elroy.
• Discontinue “Urine Saturdays” at Guantanamo Bay.
• Issue special Proclamation of Blame to former President Clinton.
• Declare victory in Iraq during what will come to be known as Bush’s “You’re Welcome” speech.