He Was Not a Painter

Happy birthday to Frank O'Hara.

1926 - 1966

Letters: A Moment With Our Readers

I’ve been meaning to respond to some of the letters readers have sent to Affirming the Least Sincere (ATLS) for a while now. I really don’t have excuses for the fact that we’ve neglected basic response to our readers’ comments. The sad fact is the staff at Spank HQ spends way too much valuable time studying tapes of John Gibson’s mesmerizing persona. Other days we just get some High Life and add to the list of reasons why Phil Collins is the farthest thing possible from another day in paradise. But I digress. The point is a few days ago we took a stab at answering a few of your letters. Bon appetit.


Dear Spank,
I’m a gigantic Bush supporter. But when I think about 2009 I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I know what they say about wishful thinking, but I just can’t stop dreaming about a way to keep America’s best president in office. What’s a Bushie to do?

Marge Stewart
Syracuse, NY

Marge,
Oh, Margey. If only every question was this easy. Let’s not forget George W. Bush lost the election in 2000, meaning he is eligible to run again in 2008. Call it the November Surprise. So relax. Let your heart beat strong for freedom.

Patriotically,
ATLS


Sir,
I have been tracking your website for a while and have noted numerous alarming traits. On the most basic level of comprehension, I can’t tell where you stand on anything other than drinking beer. One minute the reporting slants to the right, the next day you hate America as much as any common tree-hugging hippie in patch-covered funny pants. Your journalistic ethics are at best a sophomoric joke. Cynicism oozes from every word like sap from a tree. And just what gives you the right to use offensive language so liberally? I have half a mind to report you to appropriate authorities.

Butch McLane
New Haven, CT

Dear Butch,
None of the concerns you raise in your letter will matter to anyone when the inevitable race riots break out. That said, you’re right to point out that you have half a mind. Who are you to malign sap? Do you have something against waffles? What kind of fucknut doesn’t like syrup on waffles?

Yours,
ATLS


What do you think about Condi vs. Hillary in 08?

Geraldene Maxwell
New York, NY

Dear Geraldene,
In a no holds barred jell-o wrestling match? We'll bring the camera. In a new season of The Surreal Life? Prepare the TiVo. In a spelling bee? Dictionaries for everyone and all bets on Condi. However, if you are speaking of a presidential showdown between these two, then our only advice is this: vote early that morning (for either one--seriously, you can just shut your eyes and push a button), take the day off of work, settle in with a few 40s, and hope for a four-year coma. Funny, just thinking of that makes us thirsty.

Your Friends in Christ,
ATLS


Hey,
Does almost everything you write have to be about politics? Are you always angry? Why not cut some of the sarcasm and cheer up a bit? Seen any good movies lately?

Greg Beechurst
Sarasota, FL

Dear Greg,
Good questions. I like to think the site has its moments of levity, but to be honest, I’m really not concerned about whether our reporting is perceived as angry. Still, thanks for asking about movies. I liked The Squid and the Whale. So there’s one. I also saw a movie this past year that I absolutely hated; it's called Crash. This celebrated work is a drastically overrated clunker, a steaming shitpile of mediocrity that pretends to tackle issues of race when it does nothing but insult our intelligence with an implausible plot and laughably underdeveloped characters. That this shambling mess went on to win an Oscar serves as proof that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is populated largely by developmentally challenged aliens--and I’m not just talking about Scientology.

Beaming Positive Vibrations,
Spank, ATLS

Rove Escapes Indictment, Still a "Raging Dick" Says Special Prosecutor

Ed. Note: I'm recovering from a recent trip to the left side of the country, so I apologize for the noticeable lack in reporting. Luckily for my hung-over ass (shout out to the Lotus Room!), brother Chuck Mickelson snagged this fat nugget last night. So special thanks for his efforts.

Sorry truthout, but you can't scoop everything.

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Rove Escapes Indictment, Still a "Raging Dick" Says Special Prosecutor
Washington, DC--Spank Exclusive Reported by Chuck Mickelson

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald, thought by many to be finalizing work on his infamous CIA leak investigation, announced today that his repeated focus on White House advisor Karl Rove will not result in an indictment. Fitzgerald made the announcement while speaking with reporters outside his Washington offices, saying that while the key Bush Administration aide will not be charged with a crime, "he steadfastly remains and raging dick. Make no mistake, this guy is a major penis."

Mr. Rove, who was widely speculated to be a target in Fitzgerald's investigation, was seen this morning politely giving the finger to reporters outside the White House.

"I spoke with Mr. Rove personally to inform him of this office's decision," Fitzgerald explained yesterday. "Mr. Rove's only response was to say, 'Told you, Nancy,' which was followed by what sounded like someone farting into the phone."

"Believe me," Fitzgerald later concluded, "if I could prosecute Mr. Rove for being an unbearable cock, he would have been serving time long ago. However, making one's living by being a powerfully stinking prick with a self-serving, homophobic God complex is still protected by the Constitution I uphold--the same one Mr. Rove wipes his substantial ass with every day."

Emergencies Take Many Forms