Rush Limbaugh Promises to Eat the Gulf Coast Oil Spill

BP, White House, and Fans Praise Radio Star

Popular talk radio host Rush Limbaugh surprised millions on Wednesday when he promised to eat the Gulf Coast oil spill. Mr. Limbaugh made the announcement in the second hour of his show, as a steady stream of callers repeated claims that President Obama planned or had prior knowledge of the spill before it occurred.

“I’m right there with you,” Mr. Limbaugh said to his audience. “That’s why I’ve decided to clean this mess myself. That’s right, America, I’m going eat all of the oil. Somebody’s got to do it.”

“The fact is I love this country in a way Obama will never understand,” Limbaugh added. “That means I love oil. I love swimming in it, bathing in it, and spreading it all over my body. I love using it with my many lovers in our sweaty and disgusting lovemaking sessions. And I especially love to eat oil raw.”

“Don’t you worry, little patriots,” Limbaugh said reassuringly, “I’m going to fix Obama’s Katrina.”

To many observers, Wednesday’s promise from Limbaugh seemed the natural byproduct of a weeks-long conversation about the spill. Over and again, callers to his program have expressed the view that the Obama administration is somehow behind the spill, or at least knew it was going to happen—a view about which Limbaugh has said little to refute.

It was after a particularly heated hour of calls from people supporting this theory that Limbaugh announced his plan. Thrilled, callers cheered Limbaugh for his selflessness. One man called to thank Limbaugh for showing his “big balls” to the nation. Said the man, “You’re a godsend, Rush, and I’ve always admired your balls. I think about them all the time.”

After the announcement, Mr. Limbaugh seemed to delight in his listeners’ reactions.

“I’m going to swim the Gulf waters until I’ve eaten all the surface oil and cleaned all the wildlife with my tongue,” claimed Limbaugh. “Then I’m going to dive down to the ocean floor, put my mouth around that gusher, and devour every drop of that thick, rich, yummy oil until the folks at BP can shut off the flow.”

Across the country, response to Limbaugh’s promise was universally positive. Officials at both the White House and BP praised Limbaugh for his offer, citing his bravery and limitless appetite.

In Washington, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that while claims the president planned the disaster are “utterly ridiculous,” Mr. Obama “couldn’t be happier” about Limbaugh’s offer to “suck on that pipe.”

Executives at BP were likewise elated about Limbaugh’s offer. The company issued a statement in the afternoon calling Limbaugh “an American Hero,” and it pledged to thank the right-wing icon with “a generous gift certificate to Amazon.com, on the condition Mr. Limbaugh successfully consumes all of the millions of gallons of oil associated with this accident.”

The statement continued, “Mr. Limbaugh must also sign an affidavit that he enjoyed eating the oil, and that no one associated with BP suggested he complete this task. The affidavit will make clear that Mr. Limbaugh views consumption of BP oil as one part of a balanced, healthy diet, and that no health consequences will result from his meal.”

As of this posting, Mr. Limbaugh had not responded to BP's statement or set a date for his oil feast. However, media and political observers expected the radio host to act quickly, since BP's "top kill" maneuver threatens to stop the flow of oil and leave Limbaugh without enough to eat.

Calls to Limbaugh's office for comment were not returned.