Anti-Christmas Suicide Bomber Destroys Nativity Display

Beaumont, TX--A suicide bomber struck a plastic nativity scene on the lawn outside Fran’s Good Old Consignment Shop on Tuesday morning. Police and government officials blamed the incident on anti-Christmas forces known to have infiltrated the region. The attack killed only the bomber, although witnesses said a wounded squirrel fled the scene.

Witnesses reported seeing the attacker run out of the woods adjacent to Fran’s shop at approximately 6:00 a.m. They said the bomber proceeded directly to the illuminated display and detonated the explosives, pausing briefly to yell, “Suck up this egg nog, Jesus Kringle!”

Christmas violence in this area of Texas has been minimal in recent years, but officials vowed to thoroughly investigate the crime. One police captain said he feared the bombing would spark retaliation by pro-Christmas fighters in the area, a development that could make Beaumont an active theater in this year’s War on Christmas.

At press time, no group claimed responsibility for the attack. Thus it was not known whether the attack was planned or carried out by established Happy Holidays organizations.

Uninterested in claims of responsibility, pro-Christmas leaders vowed revenge for the attack in the name of Jesus Christ. Thousands of people posted comments at pro-Christmas websites, many of whom called for merciless annihilation of anti-Christmas “monsters” and “blood-sucking devils” everywhere.

Predictably, Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly highlighted the incident on his Tuesday broadcast of The O’Reilly Factor. In a discussion with Karl Rove, O’Reilly said the attack on Christmas was typical of “Obama’s commies” and “everyone else we hate.” In response, Mr. Rove shoved five hot dogs down his throat.

Wednesday began quietly in Beaumont, as its proud citizenry vowed to go on with life as usual. Police patrols were stepped up, and government officials coordinated with state investigators trained in responding to Christmas violence. Officials promised to release pertinent information as it becomes available.