Affirming the Least Sincere

Goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T14:27:00.004-08:00

We're not too sorry to see 2010 go. So as we close the shop to drink a few and ring in the new year, here's one of our favorite tracks of the year.

A staff outing to see this band in late summer ranks high on a list of the year's better moments. Cheers.

Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkeys Form Belligerent Anti-Christmas Regiment, Attack Pro-Christmas Forces

2010-11-30T19:11:00.003-08:00

Warrior Birds Slaughtered in Their Only Battle

Lansing, MI—Hundreds of pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys are dead after a gruesome battle against pro-Christmas forces took place here Tuesday morning. The fighting occurred as both sides of the annual Christmas wars brace for a month of violent conflict.

The turkeys, pardoned from holiday chopping blocks by mayors and governors across the nation, converged for unknown reasons on a pro-Christmas enclave just west of Lansing. Witnesses say the turkeys gathered in wooded areas late Sunday night and gobbled vituperative anti-Christmas chants for hours.

By Monday the turkeys were silent, and perplexed residents assumed the birds had dispersed. However, just before dawn on Tuesday the turkeys charged out of the woods and launched a surprise attack on an encampment full of Christmas soldiers. Within moments the confused soldiers stumbled out of their tents to launch a sleepy counter attack and kill every turkey in the field.

Observers said the battle was over almost as soon it started.

“We took care of them pretty quickly—before several of us were really awake,” said one private in the victorious Christmas brigade. “Brave birds, but you can’t win a battle when you can’t shoot a gun.”

Brave or reckless, by all accounts the turkeys were completely ineffective in the field. Perhaps half of the birds charged into battle without a weapon. Dozens more trotted about in all directions as soon as the attack began, distracting and tackling fellow birds. Still other turkeys stood motionless and confused in the seconds before they were annihilated.

Two hours after making their rash attempt at glory in the War on Christmas, the lifeless turkeys were collected from the battlefield. Their happy opponents then worked throughout the morning to clean and process the birds for freezing, although a few were set aside for roasting on a charcoal grill within the camp.

By late afternoon commanders of the pro-Christmas regiment released a statement announcing their victory and the generous donation they will make to local food banks in time for Christmas.

As the statement read, “Thanks to this morning’s foolish but tasty enemies of Christmas, many of our less fortunate brothers and sisters will feast this holiday season.”

Heavy Rotation the-Republicans-Are-About-to-Take-the-House Sunday

2010-10-31T09:37:00.005-07:00

I'mma let you finish, but Will Oldham never looked so sexy.

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Thanks to our Philadelphia correspondent.

Heavy Rotation Friday

2010-10-22T09:18:00.002-07:00

Kid A turned 10 this month.

Poll Finds Angry Voters Angrier Than Ever

2010-09-29T15:40:00.004-07:00

Enraged Voters Convinced Nearly Everything Sucks, Plagued by Thoughts of Self Abuse

A poll released Thursday by the Atlas Center for Public Polling found that America’s angry voters have grown angrier over the last month. Researchers talked with nearly 3,000 angry voters and documented unprecedented levels of pure rage. For the first time, more than half of America’s angry voters classified themselves as the angriest they have ever been, and nearly one-third claimed to be more furious than anyone can possibly believe.

At issue for enraged voters is nearly everything, which many view as sucking with incredible intensity. More angry voters than ever before now say everything “seriously sucks,” “sucks like crazy,” or “sucks so bad it’s ridiculous.” Nearly 21 percent of respondents are so angry they “can’t even fucking talk about it.”

According to the poll, the federal government is chief among angry voters’ specific irritants. Nearly 88 percent of those surveyed view the government as an out-of-control monster bent on bankrupting the nation. Economic issues such as the ongoing housing slump and high unemployment rate also loom large in angry voters’ minds. Other top concerns include the abolishment of freedom by President Obama, the takeover of America’s health care system by Muslim Liberation Theologians, recent changes to the judges’ table on American Idol, and the conspiratorial deconstruction of the Constitution by socialist homosexuals from Hollywood.

Political affiliations reported by poll respondents were largely unsurprising. Nearly 80 percent of angry voters identified themselves as Republican or independent, with many of these voters expressing active engagement or interest in the so-called Tea Party. However, the survey also included angry Democrats, several of whom admitted extreme frustration over the fact that Mr. Obama has yet to change everything for the better, prevent them from getting sick, help them get a job, place mints on their pillows at night, or pay their mortgage.

In addition to reporting record levels of anger and near total disillusionment with the state of everything, many angry voters surprised pollsters with unprompted admissions of unhealthy behavior. While no survey questions addressed the topic, 31 percent of angry respondents said their fury frequently causes them to engage in binge drinking and “no-condom, angry-sex parties.” Another 40 percent blurted out that they eat nothing but potato chips and soda during volatile periods known as “rage cycles.”

Perhaps more seriously, numerous respondents reported being plagued by disturbing thoughts of self abuse. For example, one voter confessed to being so infuriated by “all the liberal garbage being crammed down our throats” that he often fantasizes about “fist fighting with a brick wall until I can no longer feel my hands.” Another man explained that “Obama’s bailouts and lies” make him want to “eat a pile of broken glass.”

While most respondents who shared self-abusive thoughts were men, several women voters acknowledged disturbing thought patterns. As one distraught woman told researchers at the Atlas Center, “Ever since our country got taken away, I wake up every morning and fight the urge to waterboard myself with toilet water.”

The Atlas Center plans to conduct one more poll of angry voters before the November elections. Researchers are considering expanding the questions to catch more specific data about the mental health effects of voter anger, assuming respondents are calm and healthy enough to respond.

Eighteen Percent

2010-08-27T08:34:00.005-07:00

You’re no doubt aware that a recent poll by The Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found that 18 percent of Americans now believe President Obama is a Muslim. The percentage of Americans who said the same thing in March of last year was just 11 percent. Unsurprisingly, the view is noticeably higher among Republicans, who clock in at 34 percent.

It’s interesting to note that while the number of Democrats who think Obama is a Muslim has not changed since March 2009, fewer Democrats said the president is a Christian. But let’s focus on that 18 percent for a moment. What else do they believe? Our best guesses are below.

Muslims are communists.

Communists are fascists, and fascists are socialists.

Glenn Beck is the Mayor of Television.

The Founding Fathers cared deeply about entrusting common Americans with the power to select their chief executive.

The Founding Fathers wore Santa Claus suits and gave out Freedom Presents every fourth of July.

Burger King's "DOUBLE CROISSAN'WICH with Sausage and Bacon" is a mid-morning snack.

Nancy Pelosi is controlled by a demon living inside of her.

Obama’s health care plan authorizes the government to deduct funds at will from all American bank accounts. The Department of Justice secured an exception for African Americans.

The Muslim faith was created by Osama Bin Laden in the 1980s.

Tom Cruise is a Mormon Scientist.

The New Black Panther Party is collaborating with Iranian President Hamid Karsai and the Taliban insurgents in Iraq to intimidate conservative American voters and undermine our democratic process.

Sarah Palin's public comments do not sound like the incessant yapping of a second-rate talk show host.

Uncle Sam was George Washington's brother.

Native Americans had it coming.

Just a Quick Reminder

2010-07-30T05:16:00.002-07:00

That power comes from you.

Heavy Rotation Friday

2010-07-16T06:55:00.002-07:00

Wake up with skills like this.

Glenn Beck Suspected to Be Struggling With Depression

2010-06-29T19:05:00.002-07:00

Off-Camera Behavior Alarms Colleagues and Worries Network Executives

Popular television and radio personality Glenn Beck has been serving up a unique blend of political and social commentary for years, earning millions of fans along the way. Nearly every day the self-described conservative libertarian preaches about American values, patriotism, and politics in terms that delight his audiences and infuriate his critics. But while Mr. Beck usually exhibits an affable and at times sentimental presence on the air, colleagues and friends say Beck’s behavior behind the scenes suggests he is a man far removed from his public persona.

In fact, many sources suspect the Tea Party darling and founder of the 9.12 Project is waging an intense battle with depression and madness.

“I like Glenn,” said one star at Fox News. “I like him a whole lot. But it’s hard not to worry about him. Yesterday we bumped into each other outside my office. He seemed lost, and I got the sense he’d been standing in the hallway for a while. When I said hello he just looked at me with these gray, vacant eyes and said, ‘When you think about it, none of us are free. I mean really free, like fireflies, like buffalo. Try to grab onto freedom, but you’re grasping for an illusion.’”

“I asked him if he was feeling well,” continued the star. “But he just walked away. I called after him, but he never looked back.”

Similar tales of sad and worrisome off-camera conduct were recounted by others at Fox, all of whom suspected Mr. Beck is contending with a serious problem.

One network employee, a relative newcomer to Beck’s own staff, described a recent encounter she and a coworker had with Beck. During a production break, the two women were engaged in a humorous discussion about children and families, characterized by the staffer as “innocuous.”

According to the staffer, Mr. Beck was nearby pouring himself a cup of coffee. He soon interrupted the conversation and said, “Ladies, I don’t want to frighten you, but I realized a long time ago that none of us will achieve intimacy with anyone. It will never happen. We’re locked up in tiger cages of our own making. We can see each other, sure. But we can’t touch. We can’t ever touch.”

The staffer explained that she and her colleague initially thought Mr. Beck was joking. “But after a few minutes we both realized he was serious, and we felt bad for him,” she said. “A remark like that comes from someone carrying enormous pain.”

In addition to encounters such as these, Mr. Beck has been observed displaying behavior some say is evidence of mental illness. Colleagues shared stories about Beck arriving late and unprepared to the set of his television show, locking himself in his office and blaring heavy metal music with incomprehensible lyrics for hours at a time, roaming stairwells and hallways in a daze, and oscillating continually between moods of sorrow and frustration. One man claimed he discovered Beck shouting at himself in a bathroom mirror “with such concentration that he never knew I was there.”

Several of these sources speculated that Beck’s troubled behavior may be his way of seeking help, and others wondered if he may be headed for a complete breakdown.

“The man is locked up inside with his demons. Everyone around him knows it. Everyone can see it,” said one long-time friend. “But I don’t think he knows how to ask for help. It’s like he’s headed straight for the cliff.”

The friend complained that over the last few months Mr. Beck had routinely rebuffed what were once commonplace social invitations, such as dining out at his favorite restaurant, Dave and Buster’s.

“Things started getting weird before he stopped going out,” said the friend. “The last time we went out to D&B’s, he had a rough time. He was playing Whac-A-Mole, his favorite game in the whole world, when out of the blue he just gives up and drops his mallet. He just stood there watching the moles move up and down. Then he looked right at me and said, ‘Are we the moles? What if we’re the moles?’ I thought he was messing with me, but when I started laughing, he started screaming.”

“He lost all control,” the friend continued. “I got him out of there as fast as I could. I tried to talk with him about it in the parking lot, but he shut me out. He just got in his car and drove off.”

This gentleman, like other friends and colleagues around Mr. Beck, tried to convince the star to seek professional help, or perhaps take an extended vacation. Each said Beck refused or totally ignored such suggestions.

“He laughed at me when I said he should see [a counselor],” noted one colleague at Premiere Radio Networks, the corporation that distributes Beck’s nationally-syndicated radio program. “He didn’t even look at me while I was talking. He just fingered that framed American flag he carries—you know, the one that says ‘FREE’ where the stars should be? A moment later he called me a ‘red commie whore’ and told me to get out of his sight.”

According to the colleague at Premiere, Beck apologized within hours of that encounter.

“That afternoon he brought me flowers and said something about how we’re all beautiful Americans under the same blue sky,” she said. “I was thankful for the gesture, but it seemed that much clearer to me that Glenn won’t get help on his own. He needs someone to force the issue.”

The question of how to intervene, and who should do it, has weighed heavily on the minds of many at Fox and Premiere. While it was not often expressed in conversations with this reporter, a few high-level sources were bothered about the possibility of Beck’s downtime struggles becoming on-air problems for their networks.

One high-level source at Fox admitted he has been keeping a close eye on Beck’s television program in the event its host shows signs of losing control. The executive emphasized that Fox’s response to an “on-air incident” would be measured and appropriate. Regardless, he disclosed that he’s not the only one at Fox who worries about how a Glenn Beck meltdown might damage the network’s standing as “the undisputed leader of the news industry.”

“Obviously, we need to be careful,” the executive confessed. “He’s got a number of us spooked. We worry he’ll lose control during a broadcast and embarrass the hell out of us, that he’ll go out there and admit to masturbating to pictures of clowns, or that he’ll smear feces on his blackboard and insist aliens from another galaxy are living among us and colluding with left-wing bloggers to take control of his mind. We worry he’ll go out there one day and say, ‘Hi America, I’m Glenn Beck, just another white man on Fox with an anus for a mouth!’”

A moment later, the executive paused and looked out his office window, wearing a troubled expression.

“It keeps me up at night, the things I’ve been hearing,” he said. “Glenn Beck has done a lot of great things for Fox, and he attracts a lot of what we call ‘easy-mark’ viewers, but at some point one wonders if we were playing with fire when we hired him. One wonders if we should have seen this coming a long time ago.”

Two Minutes Later, I'm Walking on Sunshine

2010-06-25T12:23:00.002-07:00

Something fine from the pros at Funny or Die:

iPhone 4 Video - The Deleted Scenes from Adam Scott

Rush Limbaugh Promises to Eat the Gulf Coast Oil Spill

2010-05-26T14:55:00.003-07:00

BP, White House, and Fans Praise Radio Star

Popular talk radio host Rush Limbaugh surprised millions on Wednesday when he promised to eat the Gulf Coast oil spill. Mr. Limbaugh made the announcement in the second hour of his show, as a steady stream of callers repeated claims that President Obama planned or had prior knowledge of the spill before it occurred.

“I’m right there with you,” Mr. Limbaugh said to his audience. “That’s why I’ve decided to clean this mess myself. That’s right, America, I’m going eat all of the oil. Somebody’s got to do it.”

“The fact is I love this country in a way Obama will never understand,” Limbaugh added. “That means I love oil. I love swimming in it, bathing in it, and spreading it all over my body. I love using it with my many lovers in our sweaty and disgusting lovemaking sessions. And I especially love to eat oil raw.”

“Don’t you worry, little patriots,” Limbaugh said reassuringly, “I’m going to fix Obama’s Katrina.”

To many observers, Wednesday’s promise from Limbaugh seemed the natural byproduct of a weeks-long conversation about the spill. Over and again, callers to his program have expressed the view that the Obama administration is somehow behind the spill, or at least knew it was going to happen—a view about which Limbaugh has said little to refute.

It was after a particularly heated hour of calls from people supporting this theory that Limbaugh announced his plan. Thrilled, callers cheered Limbaugh for his selflessness. One man called to thank Limbaugh for showing his “big balls” to the nation. Said the man, “You’re a godsend, Rush, and I’ve always admired your balls. I think about them all the time.”

After the announcement, Mr. Limbaugh seemed to delight in his listeners’ reactions.

“I’m going to swim the Gulf waters until I’ve eaten all the surface oil and cleaned all the wildlife with my tongue,” claimed Limbaugh. “Then I’m going to dive down to the ocean floor, put my mouth around that gusher, and devour every drop of that thick, rich, yummy oil until the folks at BP can shut off the flow.”

Across the country, response to Limbaugh’s promise was universally positive. Officials at both the White House and BP praised Limbaugh for his offer, citing his bravery and limitless appetite.

In Washington, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that while claims the president planned the disaster are “utterly ridiculous,” Mr. Obama “couldn’t be happier” about Limbaugh’s offer to “suck on that pipe.”

Executives at BP were likewise elated about Limbaugh’s offer. The company issued a statement in the afternoon calling Limbaugh “an American Hero,” and it pledged to thank the right-wing icon with “a generous gift certificate to Amazon.com, on the condition Mr. Limbaugh successfully consumes all of the millions of gallons of oil associated with this accident.”

The statement continued, “Mr. Limbaugh must also sign an affidavit that he enjoyed eating the oil, and that no one associated with BP suggested he complete this task. The affidavit will make clear that Mr. Limbaugh views consumption of BP oil as one part of a balanced, healthy diet, and that no health consequences will result from his meal.”

As of this posting, Mr. Limbaugh had not responded to BP's statement or set a date for his oil feast. However, media and political observers expected the radio host to act quickly, since BP's "top kill" maneuver threatens to stop the flow of oil and leave Limbaugh without enough to eat.

Calls to Limbaugh's office for comment were not returned.

Heavy Rotation Good Friday

2010-04-02T05:15:00.003-07:00

This is one cute carton of milk.

Jay Leno Has Twelve Things to Do Today

2010-03-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

Wake before dawn to Johnny’s Theme blasting from the stereo at maximum volume. Trudge through piles of empty Doritos bags to the bathroom. Dry heave for 10 minutes. Bang chin on the rim of the toilet.
Have trouble getting dressed. Maybe a blazer with jeans. Maybe cargo pants and loafers. Whatever. Wonder if anyone would care if he wore a Krusty the Clown costume to work. Stare at the life-size picture of Carson hanging in the back of the closet. Start mumbling and complaining to the “old man.” Lose all control and begin shouting at the picture, “Don’t you tell me what I can’t do! Jay Leno does what he wants, goddamn it!”
Breakfast on stale coffee and stationery from The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. Just a few sheets—been looking sort of bloated lately. Resolve again to quit the Cool Ranch binges.
Hop on custom-built tram to The Jay Leno Garage. Take in the sunrise over the servants’ quarters. Arrive at garage and slash the tires on several priceless models just for the hell of it. Hop in a vintage Corvette and blow the joint, busting through the garage door on his way out. Call head servant and demand tires and garage door be repaired by the time “The Leno” gets home. Hit the gas and throw the iPhone out the window.
Arrive at the studio. Say hello to the receptionist—ask her to check on why the red-headed parking attendant hasn’t been fired yet. When she turns away, take back the fruit basket he bought her yesterday for her birthday. Chomp down on a fancy pear.
Meet with the writers to see how many unintentionally funny newspaper headlines they’ve gathered since yesterday. Throw enormous tantrum when only three are presented for review. Lash them for their incompetence and remind them that he is Jay Leno. Grab head writer by the face and demand more funny headlines.
Retire to office and stare at the wall for six hours. Ignore the phone. Throw objects at the door whenever he hears a knock, all the while trying to resist the urge. Struggle against it. Bite hand until it bleeds, but finally succumb to the pressure to break out a family size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Obliterate them like a world champion of nacho chips, like a legend of Dorito Country, like the King of Late Night Snacking. Lie down on the floor in a daze until it’s time to meet the guests.
Recognize the usual clatter outside his office as show time approaches. Put on a suit and make the rounds. Walk by the writers’ offices, staring and pointing at them menacingly. Stiff-arm aides who try to prep him on the day’s broadcast, then barge into the dressing room of Glenn Beck, the day’s top guest. Notice an odd odor lingering in the air. Note also that Beck appears to have eaten everything in the room—that he is standing in the corner, drenched in sweat, looking like a kindergartner who just soiled his pants. Leave dressing room without saying a word.
Burst through the curtain at show time and bang through the show. Nail the monologue with ingenious jokes about the differences between men and women. Mix it up with some crazy headlines from Canadian newspapers, dealing out a brilliant quip about maple syrup and Mounties. Flatter the guests, bat around a few puns, toss in a few shakes of the old bobblehead, and take it on home.
Walk straight out of the building after the taping. Climb into an old Mustang he keeps around for when he’s feeling triumphant. Head down to In-n-Out Burger to get a shake and a couple Double Doubles. Spot Jimmy Kimmel climbing into his car, whip milkshake at Kimmel’s car, and peel out of the parking lot.
Drive around aimlessly for a few hours, farting and dreaming up Bill Clinton jokes that will kill in tomorrow’s monologue. Meander along the roads and find a long way home. Park the Mustang on the lawn. Think briefly of Andy Richter and laugh before urinating in the shrubs.
Wander into the house and head straight to bed, just barely making it past the kitchen without plucking a fresh bag. No point in staying awake. Clap on the lights, fire up the television, and scan the DVR for an old episode of Conan. Shout insults and jeers at the screen for five solid minutes before finally settling down into the covers. Silently watch the rest of the episode with a perplexed expression, as if trying to find meaning in a foreign language. Drift off to the sounds a delighted audience, whispering something about a smart alecky punk.

Roll Call

2010-02-25T17:57:00.003-08:00

Obama to Collect Guns, Freedom, and Money on Monday

2010-01-28T16:00:00.000-08:00

Washington—The White House announced today that all guns, freedom, and money will be collected for the government’s use this coming Monday. Residents in all areas of the country are expected to hand over their dignity if they can spare it.

Collections will begin at 10:00 a.m., Eastern time, and the process will last as long as is necessary to ruin our country. White House officials said they hope the nation’s back will be broken by the middle of next week.

News of the impending collections stunned millions of Americans who spend their lives in a liberal fantasy of puffy clouds and cake. Many of these gullible pinheads actually asked whether it was April Fools’ Day.

However, not all Americans were caught off guard. Heavy consumers of right-wing media, staunch supporters of gun rights, and people who hate communism have long predicted this moment. These patriots spent the afternoon implementing the first stages of heroic resistance.

Predictably, news analysts and talking heads lost their collective shit by noon. Panicky alert banners and crawling tickers blazed on every channel, and the parade of morons on cable television blathered on and on like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, Wolf Blitzer Would. Not. Shut. Up.

Despite the public outcry and intense media attention, administration officials have so far refused answer inquiries regarding the collections, issuing only the following terse statement: “You should have seen this coming, comrades. We expect full compliance.”

For the Record

2010-01-14T18:37:00.003-08:00

Anti-Christmas Suicide Bomber Destroys Nativity Display

2009-12-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

Beaumont, TX--A suicide bomber struck a plastic nativity scene on the lawn outside Fran’s Good Old Consignment Shop on Tuesday morning. Police and government officials blamed the incident on anti-Christmas forces known to have infiltrated the region. The attack killed only the bomber, although witnesses said a wounded squirrel fled the scene.

Witnesses reported seeing the attacker run out of the woods adjacent to Fran’s shop at approximately 6:00 a.m. They said the bomber proceeded directly to the illuminated display and detonated the explosives, pausing briefly to yell, “Suck up this egg nog, Jesus Kringle!”

Christmas violence in this area of Texas has been minimal in recent years, but officials vowed to thoroughly investigate the crime. One police captain said he feared the bombing would spark retaliation by pro-Christmas fighters in the area, a development that could make Beaumont an active theater in this year’s War on Christmas.

At press time, no group claimed responsibility for the attack. Thus it was not known whether the attack was planned or carried out by established Happy Holidays organizations.

Uninterested in claims of responsibility, pro-Christmas leaders vowed revenge for the attack in the name of Jesus Christ. Thousands of people posted comments at pro-Christmas websites, many of whom called for merciless annihilation of anti-Christmas “monsters” and “blood-sucking devils” everywhere.

Predictably, Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly highlighted the incident on his Tuesday broadcast of The O’Reilly Factor. In a discussion with Karl Rove, O’Reilly said the attack on Christmas was typical of “Obama’s commies” and “everyone else we hate.” In response, Mr. Rove shoved five hot dogs down his throat.

Wednesday began quietly in Beaumont, as its proud citizenry vowed to go on with life as usual. Police patrols were stepped up, and government officials coordinated with state investigators trained in responding to Christmas violence. Officials promised to release pertinent information as it becomes available.

Heavy Rotation Friday: This Is a Job for a Stupid Man

2009-11-27T10:39:00.005-08:00

We had a memorable staff outing last weekend in Baltimore. Thanks to the glory of the Internets, we get to relive a few moments.

As good as they were 15 years ago? Absolutely.

Book Review: Going Rogue

2009-11-15T17:36:00.007-08:00

Love her or loathe her, Sarah Palin hasn’t gone anywhere. The one-time governor of Alaska turned vice presidential candidate wants to be certain her last words aren’t from a speech during the failed 2008 campaign, or the enthralling address she delivered when she quit her day job less than a year later.

In her new book, Going Rogue, Mrs. Palin offers up a scintillating tale of intrigue, romance, gritty determination, heartburn, regret, rampant leftism, freedom fighters, enormous and heartbreaking risks, a family pushed to the edge, and enduring faith in the face of heathens. It’s a coming-of-age tale in a world where up is down, left is right, right is right, right is repulsive, dumb-as-pucks is the new hip, and every woman is responsible for her own dreams taking wing. Weaving an unforgettable cast of characters in a tapestry of undulating political calculation, Mrs. Palin leads readers by the nose to a bouquet of revelation as fresh as wild Alaskan air, and by the time it’s over her readers are convinced this hockey mom will darn toot your tootin’ engine up to the glorious sky fettered with the love of Jesus and our Lord God on high in a shower of golden sunbeams. You betcha.

This unforgettable and life-changing book serves as a reintroduction for all of us to the amazing Mrs. Palin. Taking aim at her detractors with razor sharp wit, Palin acts as the judge and jury, setting the record straight and taking names, talking straight, living straight, straight as an arrow in the wind, piercing the hearts of those who hate America and would have her apologize for her hard-working values, or for being moved by the sight of the American flag rippling in the wind on Christmas morning.

Palin’s prose is vibrant and elegantly paced, full of spit, vinegar, verve, and her unique brand of homespun, feisty wisdom. Say what you will about Sarah Palin, but one thing you can’t say after reading Going Rogue is that she’s not an American citizen. Seriously, I was like, Hey! Watch the fuck out! Sarah Palin is going to wipe out the liberals in this country like a tidal wave. She’s going to make them eat the dirt in the ground on which she treads all the way to the presidency, which is where she should be if America had any sense, if Obama hadn’t lied about her and her children for an entire year, and if that awful Katie Couric hadn’t gotten in the way with her gotcha socialist media agenda.

In turns both beautiful and inspiring, Palin gives readers an up close and personal, no-nonsense telling of her life. We learn of her all-American childhood; her apple-pie romance with husband Todd; her acceptance to Yale and Harvard; her time studying abroad (skipping France, of course); her own take on her first National Book Award nomination; her improbable first run for public office; all the babies she gave birth to for the glory of God; why Levi Johnston can go to hell; how the media tried to ruin her life with their awful insistence that she make sense when she talks; her plan for America, assuming the Democrat party doesn’t spend us back to the stone age; and why she is, in fact, not too stupid to breathe air.

Ignorance isn’t just strength; it’s the blessing of the Lord for America’s time in the spotlight, a spotlight shining on the rest of us from Alaska, switched on by the inestimable, indefatigable, indispensable Sarah Palin. In this devastating and humbling memoir, Palin leads us to a better understanding of the complex ways we’re going to the places where we’re getting to. Buy this book. Save your life.

Obama and Afghanistan: The Lost Proposals

2009-11-11T19:29:00.004-08:00

Among the news stories circulating this week are reports that President Obama may be close to a decision on whether to increase U.S. involvement in Afghanistan. Numerous outlets have reported that the President continues to weigh proposals regarding troop buildup and counterinsurgency, but that a decision may be announced as soon as Thanksgiving. Top Obama advisers are said to support a plan that would send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan, while others in the administration remain skeptical of increased engagement. It is not clear what option, if any, the President favors.

In any case, it appears Obama’s lengthy review of competing plans and viewpoints is nearing its end. We got to wondering: What about the proposals that didn’t make the cut—the long-shot ideas that didn't survive the first round? We then put zero effort into finding out what these lost proposals were all about. That said, following are our best guesses on the proposals Obama has rejected. Cheers.

Institution of World War I-Era Tactics. As part of an armed forces “retro phase,” the plan called for turn-back-the-clock uniforms, a temporary ban on the use of new-fangled technology, renewed emphasis on the bayonet, and the immediate construction of fortified trenches to protect against the artillery fire of advancing Taliban armies.

Celebrity Regiments. To pep American troops and impress Taliban fighters into immediate submission, celebrities including Regis Philbin, Sarah Palin, Jon Stewart, Orly Taitz, and Keith Olbermann were to lead star-studded divisions into glorious battle. The proposal guaranteed the government exclusive rights to a reality television show called Stars for Stars and Stripes.

Mittens for Everyone. Everyone in Afghanistan, man or woman, boy or girl, Taliban or Viet Cong…free mittens. No strings attached.

CNN Everywhere All the Time. Techies and media consultants in the White House proposed this plan to broadcast CNN exclusively at all times across Afghanistan. A surge of high-definition televisions without off switches were to be placed throughout the country, meaning the likes of Wolf Blitzer would never shut up, ever. Supporters of the plan promised that within days the Afghan population would be drooling and completely compliant with the imposition of American-style democracy. Taliban fighters would drop their arms and surrender, assuming they hadn’t already scratched their faces off.

Target Bombs. Not carpet bombs, not targeted bombs, but Target bombs. This plan called for Target stores from North America to be airlifted in one piece, through spectacular displays of military engineering and Air Force prowess, and dropped on enemy strongholds in Afghanistan. The enormous balls on this tactic were predicted to teabag legions of Taliban fighters to dust, ending the war within a month. But Obama said no.

Heavy Rotation Friday

2009-10-30T10:00:00.006-07:00

We accidentally took the month off. Whoops. In any case, the rock is forthcoming. Have a spooky Halloween.

Advocacy Group Urges an End to Health Care

2009-09-30T18:46:00.002-07:00

The Society Against All Health Care for All Americans has been at the fringes of the health care “debate” for many years. So it’s no surprise they’ve been active over the last few months, mocking Americans with characteristic cynicism. Yes, we agree they’re terrible. They’re also mildly amusing. Here’s their latest press release.

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Ending Is Better Than Mending: End Health Care Now

Washington, DC—The Society Against All Health Care for All Americans (SAAHCAA) once again announce its complete disinterest in and vibrant loathing for health care and health care reform in America.

Americans have created one of the most wasteful systems on the planet in the interest of caring for themselves when they get the sniffles. This monument of crap promotes inefficiency and drains precious resources in the best of times. Its enormous sucking action has never felt so imposing as in our current climate, with our economy limping away from one the worst crises it has ever faced.

It is time to stop the bleeding and end health care. SAAHCAA believes that $2,000,000,000,000 a year is too much to pay for health care of any kind for anyone. Redistributing (yes, redistributing) these resources could yield greater benefits for a greater portion of the U.S. population. Once health care is abolished, SAAHCAA’s ideas on what to purchase with the newly liberated funds (let’s henceforth call them “freedom bucks”) include the following:

Massive cocaine parties.
Roll after roll of gold leaf toilet paper.
Free tickets to the U2 360 Tour.
Cheerios (for snacking).
A moon bounce in every town, a kegerator in every home.
The dismantling of Fox News Channel.
Marbles.

The time for talking and making eloquent pronouncements and arguing and frightening morons and screaming like little babies is over. The bright circus of controversy surrounding “health insurance reform” is entertaining but redundant. Just as frothing, gun-toting, illiterate village idiots at town hall meetings make for excellent television, spineless legislators and a too-cautious White House make for innocuous laws that masquerade as genuine reform. What, after all, is the point?

We urge Americans to cut their losses and end health care now. Hospitals, doctors offices, dental offices, and all the rest are depressing, smelly places. The sooner we stop our crying and complaining about this plan or that deductable, or this chronic disorder or that broken bone, the sooner the nation will be on the path to genuine health and wellness. Thank you and goodnight, bitches.

Heavy Rotation Saturday

2009-09-12T07:16:00.002-07:00

Say, Billy Budd...

Teabaggers Community Calendar

2009-08-14T09:23:00.007-07:00

If you’re a batshit crazy teabagger and you don’t have plans this weekend, we thought we’d spotlight a few teabagger-friendly events you might wish to attend. Cheers.

Central Alabama Teabaggers for Freedom is hosting a make-your-own-sushi night at the home of Flip Dunkelhouser. The informal event starts at 7:00 tonight and is open to all members. Sushi lovers are reminded to bring their own fish.

Super Patriot Teabaggers of Western Maryland will be holding a roundtable discussion on the depiction of women in the novels of John Updike. The event starts at 7:00 p.m. at the Friendsville Community Center. Snacks will be provided, but participants are asked to bring beverages. The flier also notes that “Alcohol is not allowed. You all know how Randy gets after a few cans of Natural Light.”

Sub Literate Teabaggers of Greater Nashville is once again sponsoring the popular “Foreign Film Night” on Saturday at the Municipal Park. This week’s feature will be Red, from the Krzysztof Kieslowski trilogy Red, White, and Blue. Festival organizers urge moviegoers to arrive early. Tickets are $3. Proceeds will benefit the insanely ignorant and belligerent activities of hometown teabaggers.

The Disgusting White Hypocrite Teabaggers Union of Allentown is sponsoring “Coffee Shop Talk” at the Strong Java Coffee Shop tonight in the heart of Allentown, PA. The event is a great way to join an ongoing and challenging dialogue on politics and current events. Members and nonmembers alike are encouraged to bring their excruciatingly indignant slam poetry for the open mic portion of the evening. Audience members will vote on the best poets, and the top three receive prizes. You have to show up to find out what the top two prizes are, but the third-place poet will receive a copy of the DVD How Minorities in the Government Are Trying to Kill You.

Chock Full of Racist Assholes Teabaggers Collective of Southern Virginia is hosting a “stitch and bitch” at the Richmond public library this weekend. There’s no formal agenda for the knitting session, but attendees can bet on talking about how Obama is going to murder their children in their sleep and how this country is turning into Russia and no one cares.

South central Georgia’s Teabaggers Who Love to Suck Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security is holding a free health fair on Sunday at the Good Samaritan Church of the Redeeming Christ on Coyne Avenue. Representatives from area hospitals and doctors’ offices will be on hand to provide services for enormous fees that will be charged to the government. At noon a team of beef industry executives will present a lively seminar on the benefits of red meat. And make sure to bring the kids: Bannister Brothers Ice Cream will be handing out free “Very Vanilla” or “Double Chocolate” milkshakes for all children age 12 and under.

Little Wonder They’re Worried

2009-08-12T12:19:00.011-07:00

You’re probably aware that some of our nation’s finest citizens have been out in force protesting the Obama administration’s push for health care reform. And you probably don’t need instant YouTube classics to be convinced that a lot of these protesters know how to bring the crazy.

We confess we’ve had a hard time understanding exactly what opponents of reform are protesting against. To get a handle on it, we spent some time this week interviewing protesters and reviewing news coverage of those raucous town hall events on health care. These exercises helped us sketch out what many protesters believe health care reform will entail. And it’s little wonder they’re worried.

Chopper Care. Rather than wait for congress to pass a law, President Obama has already ordered advance teams (known privately as Bama’s Black Ops) to sleepy rural communities. Black helicopters descend on these towns in the middle of the night and extricate the community’s older and infirm residents. These people are then dropped in the nearest river.
Oatmeal Prescription Drug Option. To save the cash needed to provide health care to undeserving poor people, most of whom are uninsured because of deep character flaws that can never be resolved, Obama plans to replace older Americans’ prescription drugs with caplets of heart-healthy oatmeal.
Medicare Part D-2: Have You Tried Aspirin? Obama says Medicare recipients will have the right to refuse participation in the Oatmeal Prescription Drug Option if they want access to more expensive medication. Under Medicare Plan D-2, older adults will be required to purchase government cheese-flavored chewable aspirin for any and all health conditions.
Your Only Choice Is No Choice. Since his boyhood days in the heart of Iranistan, President Obama has longed to take health care away from scared white people in America. No matter what Obama says he’s going to do for the middle class, no matter how his fat cat friends say they want to help, they will force everyone into a government-run plan that cheats real Americans. Beloved insurance companies will be eliminated, and people will have to wait in line for months to see a doctor for ailments as simple as the common cold. After being forced to sign up for the plan under the direction of government shock troops, a super computer in Washington will hijack your bank account to fund secret, lavish health care plans for a few black people who constantly throw parties to laugh at farmers and Vietnam veterans.
Yes We Can Lose Weight Plan. Extremely overweight Americans will be placed on a special diet designed by the government. Membership in the plan will be involuntary and the diet will consist of only generic Cheerios, canned green beans, and bottled water.
USA Health Care for Everyone Easy Choice Option Enrollment Golden Eagle Freedom Plan. This idea was tossed around by more than one protester convinced that health care reform will definitely include a trick plan. It goes like this: Private insurers will go out of business in droves after the government ruins their profit margins with its second-rate plan. Millions of Americans will be forced to enroll in USA Health Care. Instead of providing a timely safety net for the newly uninsured, Obama will ship all USA Health Care members to Iraq. (Note: A significant number of protesters are convinced Obama will sell all USA Health Care members to North Korea.) Once Obama unloads this “dead weight” from America’s back, socialism will be complete. The American flag will be burned over the U.S. Capitol every day at noon. The new national anthem will be called Sickness Is Health, and it will be performed by Lil Wayne.

Birther Movement Makes Reasonable People Hate Themselves and Want to Die

2009-07-24T15:28:00.003-07:00

Washington, DC—Odd as this may seem to some, the “birther movement,” a collection of conspiracy theories based on claims that President Obama was born in Kenya, has made progress into mainstream media outlets in recent weeks. The theories’ proponents, known as “birthers,” say the President has not produced a valid Hawaiian birth certificate. Because of this, birthers claim, Barack Obama is not a citizen of the United States and is therefore ineligible to be President. For more than a year the birthers have attempted to substantiate their claims by mining a never-ending quarry of hypothetical crap.

While the birther movement has long been a hot issue for the craziest wing of the GOP, in recent weeks less insane politicians and media personalities have encouraged the birthers’ claims. The increased momentum has led to spikes in both media coverage and suicidal longing among people with reasonable intelligence.

“We’re seeing two basic reactions to the birther movement right now,” notes Selinda Harthbanger, a professor of media studies at the University of Phoenix. “The first reaction is that more people are learning about the supposed controversy. And the second is that normal people increasingly want to shoot themselves in the face.”

Professor Harthbanger based her comments on the results of two surveys her research team conducted on the topic. In the first survey, conducted in July 2008, only one-third of “reasonable respondents” knew anything about the controversy. That survey found only a handful of respondents were bothered by the issue to any serious degree.

In contrast, a second survey just released by Harthbanger’s team found twice as many reasonable respondents knew about the controversy in July 2009. Nearly a quarter of those people told researchers that the birther movement makes them crave their own death.

“We were shocked,” admitted Harthbanger. “One gentleman said every time he hears Lou Dobbs or Alan Keyes talking about birth certificates he wants to ‘stab himself in the eyes after taking a bath in battery acid.’ In another case, a young woman told us she had recently viewed video from a town hall meeting that was crawling with birthers. She claimed the footage made her want to ‘swallow a nuclear warhead.’”

“You just can’t help but feel sympathy for reasonable citizens,” added Harthbanger. “Many of them are in a lot of pain right now.”

It’s unclear how much energy and attention the birther movement has yet to attract. But Harthbanger said the recent uptick in news coverage makes certain that more reasonable people will discover the story over the next few months. She said it is “highly likely” that a portion of these people will turn their frustrations on themselves in potentially dangerous ways.

Harthbanger’s research team is eager to chart ongoing reaction to the birther movement, but investigators acknowledge that collecting survey data from the most vulnerable respondents can be challenging.

“You worry about people,” said Gordon Myers, a professor who works alongside Harthbanger. “You want to stay objective, but you’re human, so you worry about the young man who said birthers make him long to do a header into a swimming pool full of chloroform. You worry about the woman who said the birthers at her office make her wish she were tied to a copying machine at the bottom of the ocean. And how could you not worry about the lawyer who told us that birthers make him want to ‘run out and kiss the face of an oncoming express train’?”

“But at the end of the day you have to stay focused,” Myers concluded. “We’re considering doing a third survey by the end of the year, and we can’t let our emotions get in the way.”

Prominent birthers could easily be reached for comment, but we didn’t bother. As late as this afternoon two birthers spokespersons claimed the University of Phoenix is hiding the truth about Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

Exposure to 24-Hour News Channels Associated With Health Problems

2009-07-16T15:09:00.002-07:00

Study Finds Viewers of CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC Are All Kinds of Sick

Atlanta, GA—A 2-year study on the effects of watching cable news offers grim details for news junkies. The study, conducted by the Center for Television and Media Research (CTMR), found that viewers exposed to programs on 24-hour news channels developed health problems at a much higher rate when compared to viewers of other programming. Researchers noted that a significant number of subjects developed “moderately serious” or “serious” health problems after viewing cable news programming.

CTMR recruited more than 2,000 adults and exposed them to several hours of continuous television programming over 14 consecutive days. Subjects were randomly selected into one of two groups. Subjects in the first group were exposed to a string of evening and prime-time programs on CNN, Fox News, or MSNBC. Subjects in the second group watched episodes of True Blood and Weeds.

Results showed that subjects exposed to programming on 24-hour news channels developed a range of health problems not observed in the control group. Nearly 34 percent of cable news watchers developed acute or chronic ailments during the study or its 6-month follow-up period. Problems included skin rashes, high blood pressure, moderate-to-severe bouts of hiccups, cardiovascular irregularities, brain hemorrhaging, fecal incontinence, projectile vomiting, and intestinal bleeding. In addition to these physical problems, dozens of subjects developed mental health symptoms, such as intense paranoia and persistent assholism.

In contrast to cable news watchers, only 2 percent of the control group experienced similarly serious health problems during or after their participation in the study. However, these participants reported increased interest in vampires, southern accents, drug trafficking, and “hot people.”

Reaction to the study was mixed at best. Largely ignored by the cable channels named in the study, its results warranted only brief, dismissive mentions on marquee shows such as CNN’s The Situation Room and Fox’s Stab Yourself With Glenn Beck.

CTMR has come under fire in the past from media personalities and policymakers alike. In 2006 Fox personality Megan Kelly referred to the Center as “a bunch of quackers.” In a 2008 tussle with lawmakers, a group of Democratic Senators threatened to investigate CTMR’s research methods after it warned people with narcolepsy to avoid the sound of Harry Reid’s voice. The investigation was later shelved.

Jesus Christ Is a Republican

2009-06-21T11:12:00.002-07:00

In a statement released today by Jesus Christ, the Son of God ended decades of speculation and announced He considers Himself aligned with the Republican party. The surprise statement blindsided everyone on Earth and dominated news coverage for several hours.

“After much deliberation with Myself and the Lord, My Father, I have decided to make public my allegiance to the Republican Party,” the statement read. “I think clarity on this issue will provide a number of benefits to all of My Father’s children, and it will help put to rest much rumor and gossip.”

“I realize that Democrats and members of lesser parties will be disappointed by My announcement,” the statement continued, “but the fact is I’m tired of overhearing conversations among liberals who seem to think I’m some kind of pussy. Enough is enough.”

After making clear that this will be His only statement on the matter, and that He has no plans for a return trip to Earth “anytime soon,” Mr. Christ spelled out some of the reasons why He prefers the GOP. The statement’s content makes it clear that the Messiah has been following recent political debates in America:

On the question of torture, for example, I think it should be obvious that I support the efforts of the previous American administration. A great many pinheads down under assume I would take a different path, but the fact is Dick Cheney was right to go after the Muslim traitors by any means necessary. When you get up here, ask anyone. I don’t fuck around.

Health care is another obvious issue where true Republicans have it right. Regular Americans should not be held financially responsible for the care of others. Lord knows America does not need to be dragged toward socialism. Let the uninsured pray unto Me and take care of themselves.

These specific issues aside, I think it’s clear that Republicans have done a better job reminding Americans about Me, championing Me, and making sure I’m front and center in their efforts to make themselves superior to others. I support those efforts with all of My heart. Sadly, I can’t say the same for Democrats.

The statement closed with a rallying cry for Republicans, many of whom are in the dumps after consecutive electoral defeats. “Be not mindful of the haters,” said Christ, “you can come back from the dead.”

Reactions to the statement followed a diverse but predictable course. Republican supporters of Mr. Christ bragged loudly all day long and would not shut up about it. Democrats and other non-Republicans who believe in Jesus spent the day moping and questioning the statement’s authenticity. Non-Christians wondered when regular programming would resume, and several atheists ridiculed the Messiah for the odd and ineffective timing of His announcement.

“It’s not even 6 months after a presidential inauguration,” said Kelly Riddlethorn, an atheist in Madison, WI. “Talk about a weird time to drop the bomb. One can only wonder about the wizards in charge of His PR.”

Television and online news sources buzzed after the statement was released. Fox News Channel’s popular personalities spent most of the morning dancing and pouring champagne all over each other. The network’s scrolling ticker read simply, “In your face, bitches!” By contrast, well-known left-wing websites such as The Huffington Post were noticeably quiet and gloomy, posting only a few half-baked missives about “conspiracy” and “massive hypocrisy.”

As usual, neither Mr. Christ nor representatives from Heaven answered requests for further comment. While millions of Americans looked skyward all day for additional Word from their Savior, few experts predict a second missive. Whether or not another statement arrives, it seems clear that Americans should expect Jesus Christ to vote a straight Republican ticket.

Nancy Pelosi Has Twelve Things to Do Today

2009-05-22T14:38:00.002-07:00

Wake up after dreaming of passing a landmark lefty program known as The Bunnies and Rainbows and Unicorns Act, guaranteeing perfection for all persons of all colors and backgrounds, now and forever.
Start the workday off right: Watch videos of herself standing and clapping like a lunatic during President Obama’s first major speech to Congress. Take notes on style and strategize with aides on how to look more repellent next time.
Put the finishing touches on her 10-Point Plan to Annihilate Traditional Marriage and Freedom and NASCAR. File away for a rainy day.
Set the DVR in her office to record Fox News’ wall-to-wall coverage of how awful she is for having been a spineless leader of a minority party while those in control authorized a torture program and lied about it repeatedly.
Receive a call from White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Rap fingers in an annoyed fashion on her desk for two minutes. Finally interrupt, “Look Bambi, I don’t care one bit about what it looks like to you clowns over there, and I will not be manipulated. Get this through your head: Nancy Pelosi is running the show over here. You can tell Panetta to stick it. And while you’re on the line, let’s be clear that if Nancy Pelosi wants catered morning meetings and a personal make-up artist, Nancy Pelosi gets them.”
Call Limbaugh’s office. Ask secretary to tell Rush his “fat boy” pills are ready for pick up, that priapism isn’t likely to occur this time, and that Nancy said he should enjoy his trip to Bangkok.
Feel dizzy after lunch. Try to tamp down ongoing romantic longings for Donald Rumsfeld. Bite fingernails and wait out resultant anxiety attack.
Assign aide to draft a prank e-mail to Glenn Beck, to be sent under the guise that its author is a disgruntled former Pelosi staffer. The note will leak details of “Pelosi’s real agenda,” such as her interest in bankrupting America’s “middle-class losers” in sweeping legislation that “taxes them into dust, once and for all.” The e-mail will explain that one proposal includes plans to eliminate all child and homeowner tax credits, roll back price breaks on prescription drugs for seniors, and institute a “Bible tax.”
Set DVR to record Glenn Beck.
Attend briefings and staff meetings late into the afternoon. Find new ways to complicate matters and slow progress while maintaining characteristic arrogance. At no point consider her role in enabling the catastrophes of the previous administration.
Meet John McCain at a Washington cocktail party after dark. Slip into a backroom with him to shotgun three beers, exchange devastating insults, and arm wrestle. Suffer a wrist sprain and lose two out of three. Loudly proclaim, “This war ain’t over, and don’t you forget it, bitch.”
Head back to the office with half a buzz on. Consider pulling an all-nighter, shocking her staff by making headway on a pile of outstanding items. Get lost on YouTube instead. Watch clips of Dean Martin until after midnight, eventually dozing off to the sound of applause.

What Would Cheney Tweet?

2009-04-30T18:29:00.002-07:00

You know by now we’re relatively low-fi. No Facebook, no MySpace, no Twitter or Flitter. That said, we don’t live in an undisclosed cave, and we’ve at least seen a tweet or two. Which got us wondering: If Cheney twittered, what would he tweet?

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This Bama presser is torture…maybe the press corps would rather make out with him than throw soft balls… pls gag me
8:40 PM Apr 29th from web

Americans are roughly 4000% less safe now than when i was at the wheel. Just saying. plus swine flu--as if that’s not Obama’s fault
10:40 AM Apr 26th from web

Writing memoirs but would rather be fishing (for terrorists---hahaha!)
9:17 AM Apr 16th from web

babies on HuffPo still whining about a widdle wadderboarding--whaaa--want their mommies. I’d drop zubaydah in acid if I had to so fuck y’all
11:21 AM Apr 11th from web

Found another copy of L’s woman-love novel in a backwoods bookstore and burned it, I swear they reproduce themselves out of thin air
10:55 PM Apr 1st from web

screw working. it’s saturday. eating pork rinds and throwing darts at pic of Blitzer’s face.
11:10 AM Mar 28th from web

Anyone got Bachmann’s #? been watching her on YouTubes. she could use expert advice, or I could do an ad for her or just buy her a coffee or something
2:09 AM Mar 25th from web

Bama on 60 Minutes. insufferable punk. he fundamentally disagrees with Dick Cheney… the witty repartee! must qualify him to be president! christ
8:10 PM Mar 22nd from web

Heart stopped this morning for half hour! robotic life support system installed last year kicked in on time again! I’m ok! LOL!
10:40 AM Mar 20th from web

Monkey boy says Obama “deserves my silence’ --now you all know what I had to deal with for h8te years. total puss.
8:32 AM Mar 18th from web

CNN was a blast this morning--suck on this pricks! Less safe! Damn right I said it! USA! USA! USA! Hell yes I’m pumped!!!
2:32 PM Mar 15th from web

Scooter called…he’s still thinking about the pardon. Tried to say sorry again but he wouldn’t engage
12:40 AM Feb 25th from web

Wife says I have retirement blues…keeping my energy up is hard. the book can wait. i like napping in afternoon, so what? leave me alone
3:35 AM Feb 16th from web

Confined to salad and bran flakes and decaf and unsweet tea and meds and aches and checkups and regimens. Golden years…for losers
1:37 PM Feb 9th from web

Speaking offers, book deals, all the money i can eat…hard to find meaning in dark times…easy to see why a man gets in a bottle.
8:24 AM Feb 3rd from web

Hard waking up in the morning. Don’t wanna talk to anyone. Gray sky could swallow us and time will rub u out
5:55 AM Jan 28th from web

AIG Executives Eat Bailout Money, Spark Uproar

2009-03-20T14:51:00.002-07:00

New York—America was completely fucking outraged today when AIG executives called a press conference and proceeded to eat more than $100 million in bailout money supplied by the U.S. Treasury. More than 250 executives plunged their faces into a gold-plated trough filled with cash and gorged themselves until they vomited and passed out.

Reaction to AIG’s punk rock move was explosive. Americans from all walks of life were super pissed. Politicians railed to the media, the media railed to themselves, citizens spit forth torrents of jumbled hyperbole, pet dogs sprayed diarrhea with abandon on their owners’ rugs, and trees fell on cars and power lines without warning.

On Capitol Hill, Congressman Barney Frank was one of many legislators to express unfiltered outrage at the AIG executives. Complaining to a group of reporters about the scandalous cash feast, Rep. Frank let spittle fly as he shouted, “Dar! Dar! Dar! Taxpayers! Taxpayers! Dar! Dar! Dar!”

Later in the day, President Obama joined the bitch session. In a hastily arranged press conference on the White House lawn, Mr. Obama called the AIG stunt “disgusting” and “outrageous.” The President pledged to make even more harsh statements throughout the coming week.

One of the brightest displays of American fury occurred during the Fox News program The O’Reilly Factor. Shortly after the show began, popular host Bill O’Reilly lost his mind and lambasted the “monsters” at AIG. He then referred to President Obama as “that spineless, far-left babypants in the White House who was too scared to stop this mess.”

Mr. O’Reilly became so enraged that he demolished the show’s set with an axe. Guests Karl Rove and Ari Fleischer fled as O’Reilly unleashed his anger and annihilated nearby objects, turning the floor around his feet into a mess of splinters, jagged metal, plastic, and glass. The violent scene ended when fellow Fox News personality Sean Hannity intervened to calm Mr. O’Reilly, who soon offered a tearful apology to viewers.

Despite the intense anger from so many Americans, AIG made no attempt to dampen tempers as the day wore on. To the contrary, this afternoon the company released an aggressive statement that taunted the nation and demanded “less crying, more cash.”

“Ate all your Bozo Bucks,” the statement read. “Need more asap for big important sexy party. Don’t ask.”

By nightfall hundreds of protesters had gathered outside AIG headquarters in New York City. Fuming but nonviolent, the picketers shouted chants such as “Give it back!” and “Money isn’t pig food!”

“It just makes you so sick,” said Donald Tartenfunk, an unemployed music teacher who has not filed an income tax return in 5 years. “They’re in there eating our children’s futures. They’re lighting their cigars with $100 bills. That money was supposed to create jobs. We want it back!”

Protests are expected to last throughout the weekend, or until everyone would rather go home or hit Starbucks.

At press time there was no word from the Treasury Department or the White House on how the government would angrily placate AIG’s latest demands. Said one anonymous Treasury official, “We just need to take the weekend and get some rest. Check back with us on Monday. By then we’ll have a better idea what our next fumble will look like.”

Heavy Rotation Friday

2009-03-20T14:47:00.002-07:00

Chug it.

The Worry in Washington: Obama Has Too Much on His Plate

2009-03-13T15:47:00.002-07:00

There’s no disputing the fact that President Obama has plenty of important tasks to contend with. The historically stalled economy and two difficult wars are just the beginning. Now, less than 60 days into his presidency, the buzz in Washington has turned to whether Mr. Obama can manage everything on his plate.

Administration officials have been busy this week firmly portraying President Obama as focused on each and every item before him. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, and others have all brushed aside concerns that the President has too much to handle. Regardless, the chorus of worry grew so loud this week that Mr. Obama personally downplayed the concerns on Thursday.

“Look, in my estimation I have 124 peas on my plate,” said the President to a small group of reporters. “In addition I have several ounces of grilled chicken breast covered with a lite honey mustard glaze, as well as a healthy serving of polenta and a side of apple sauce. That may be a lot, but I think if you ask any American, you know, is this too much for one plate, I think they would say no.”

“Besides,” the President continued, “I think Americans elected me to try and clean my plate no matter what’s on it.”

But critics remained unsatisfied by the assertions of the President and his staff. Republican congressional leaders and television and radio personalities alike have openly expressed worry about the fullness of the President’s plate. Senator Mitch McConnell appeared on The Today Show on Wednesday and challenged the President’s assessment.

“The President says he’s focused on cleaning his plate,” said Senator McConnell. “But what President Obama’s not saying is how much salad he has to finish before he can get to the particular plate he’s talking about. We know he likes his fancy radicchio. We know that for a fact. And if you pay attention you’ll notice the President doesn’t mention his breakfast, which is bursting with nourishing whole-grain cereals and flax, fresh oranges, heart-healthy grapefruit, kiwi, coffee, milk, juice, toast, maybe a dollop of organic jam, a few dried figs, waffles, pancakes, probably an egg or two—without the yolks, of course. I don’t think he eats scrapple, but that’s still a ton of food.”

Other prominent figures expressing concern this week included Michael Steele, embattled chairman of the Republican National Committee.

“The socialist in Obama wants you to believe he’s got room for everything, that he can spread all the calories around” Steele told a CNN correspondent on Thursday. “But no one in the administration mentions snacks between meals. They still haven’t admitted Obama eats a granola bar before his morning workout. Everybody knows he loves expensive Kashi bars, but they won’t just say it. When is he gonna come clean? Americans have a right to know how many handfuls of trail mix their President is eating on Air Force One.”

Publicly, administration officials dismissed Mr. Steele’s comments as exaggerated, with one aide calling the comments “ridiculous.” However, multiple sources close to the White House privately worry Mr. Obama may soon develop a “tummy ache.” Indeed, leading dietitians have noted that while the President’s dietary choices appear to be nutritious overall, the sheer quantity of food items may lead to indigestion or, worse, weight gain. Such experts note that excessive weight is associated with a range of chronic health conditions, including heart disease, diabetes, and insanity.

Despite the increasing pressure, by press time the White House had not released detailed portion sizes for the President’s weekend meals. While officials appear to have staved off the release of Mr. Obama’s imminent meal plans, the White House is certain to face ongoing questions in the coming week. Said one administration staffer late Friday, “We know this is an issue that will continue to marinate, but no one’s reaching for the Pepto. Shit, I could go for a burger right now.”

Body and Mind: Introducing the ATLS Health Series

2009-02-13T05:12:00.021-08:00

Not too long ago we were tossing ideas around at one of our infrequent editorial meetings. There’s no way to describe our general mood that day as anything but bitchy. After a few beers we actually had to separate a couple of correspondents whose disagreement about the value of Twitter turned into a wrestling match that upset a table and destroyed a computer monitor.

After we cleaned up the mess and pledged to hold future meetings at the bar, we realized we’ve all been stressed out lately. And then it hit us: Why not take heed to President Obama’s call to public service by developing a free brochure on stress management? We can’t be the only ones feeling frazzled in these tough times. Why not lend a hand?

So it is with pleasure that we introduce the first piece in what we hope will be an ongoing health series from Affirming the Least Sincere. You’re welcome.

Stress: A Guide for Adults

Do you ever feel like life’s getting too crazy? Does it feel like things never slow down? Do you ever fantasize about throwing your coffee mug into the refrigerator just to watch it explode?

If you said yes to these questions, you might be experiencing stress—a deadly disease you are powerless to stop.

Let’s Talk About Stress
So what is stress, exactly? Good question. Stress is your body’s natural reaction to the crap that happens to you. During stressful situations, your body pumps adrenaline and other chemicals with big names into your system. This way you have the energy to run away from that car you just crashed or knock out the douche who just sucker-punched you at the bar. You don’t even have to think about it. Isn’t that awesome?

Unfortunately, not everyone’s body handles stress so efficiently. Stress can make some people sick and unbearable. They’ll be standing in line at Starbucks and completely lose their shit for no reason. They’ll take your head off for saying hello or asking for the time. After a few weeks of this, everyday life can get pretty terrible for these unlucky saps. They lose sleep, perform poorly at work, blah, blah, blah.

People with these problems are weak. Maybe you’re weak too. Ever considered that?

How Do I Know When I’m Stressed?
You might think it’s easy to know when you’re stressed. That might be true for some people, but not for everyone. The truth is it can be hard to tell. You may not realize you’re under pressure until after you’ve torched your front lawn.

Take the “Stress Test”
Take a minute to evaluate how things are going in your life. Think about your home life, your job, your drug problem, your gambling addiction, and other important parts of who you are. Thinking it all over might help you realize how terrific you are. But you might also realize that you face a number of tough challenges. If so, step back and ask yourself if these hurdles affect you in negative ways. Are you sleepless? Are you having trouble eating? Do you “snap” at everyone? Are you convinced you need to finish that case of beer before bed?

If you answered yes to these questions, you might be stressed. Think about calling a doctor or whoever deals with that kind of thing. Not sure who that would be. In any case, before you take your first steps toward help, you need to know the following facts about stress:

You probably got stressed because you did something wrong.
If you think your stress is bad, that means it’s horrible. Always multiply perceived stress levels in overly dramatic ways.
Sometimes stress tricks you by pretending to be happiness and calm. So even when things are fine, they’re not.
There’s nothing you can do about it.
You will probably be stressed out forever.

How Should I Deal With Stress?
Everybody has an opinion about how to handle stress. Your doctor, your family, and your friends will all give you advice. Even your coworkers will chime in (assuming you haven’t been fired yet). Some of what they say may be helpful. But most of what they say is just the usual psychobabble. Look at me! I’m so perfect! You should turn off the TV and turn up the yoga!

Listening to all this crap might be confusing—and not just because you’re a basket case. Plus, it won’t take long until you’ll want to punch every cheery, tip-wielding whack-job in the face for offering you nonsense. Unfortunately, this desire only compounds your stress.

Still, the fact remains that you need to do something to better manage your stress. Consider trying some of these strategies:

~~Drink heavily and chain smoke.~~
~~Practice passive-aggressive behavior.~~
Take a nice walk around the park.
~~Systematically undermine your coworkers.~~
~~Two words: bong hits.~~
Take a deep breath and count to 10.
~~Break things.~~
~~Buy everything in sight.~~
~~Drive as if you’re the only person who has a place to be.~~
Jog frequently or take scenic bike rides. Some people say they handle stress better when they get plenty of exercise. Whatever.

Why Do I Feel Like I’m the Only Person With Stress?
Because you’re a megalomaniac? What is it with you?

Someone I Care About Is Stressed. What Should I Do?
First, be happy you’re not the person who’s losing it. Second, don’t get sucked into his or her world of pain. Third, take a minute to update your Netflix queue since you can’t expect your tweaked-out spouse/partner/roommate to do it correctly. Fourth, steer clear of that person.

You Don’t Understand. I’m Obligated to Help This Person.
You may be a part of a family or social circle that will not allow you to sit on the sidelines while someone you care about suffers. You may feel pressure to act from members of this group. This is called guilt hammering, and experts say it’s the primary reason people get involved in a loved-one’s problems.

There is little defense for the guilt hammer. Studies show people who get “the hammer” do better when they engage carefully and swiftly. If you get hammered, try these simple tips to help yourself while helping your stressed-out loved one:

Thoroughly criticize your loved one’s faults. How can anyone get better without a full understanding?
Make your home a peaceful retreat. Fill the air with incense and hard rock music. Stock it to the rafters with intoxicants. Install strobe lights.
If your loved one is working under a lot of deadlines at work, ask him or her to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home. You’ve had a long week.
Encourage him or her to keep fighting with everything they’ve got. No falling down. No giving up. No peace for losers.

I Want to Talk to a Professional. How Do I Contact Someone?
Do not contact us. We cannot help you. We have our own problems. However, if you Google “stress” and throw in some related terms, something will probably pop up. Must you always have your hand held?

Resources for More Information
Check out these sources for more helpful information on coping with stress.

Target
VH1
Big Bird
The O'Reilly Factor
Your State’s Motor Vehicle Association

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BAM Health Series—01
2009

Sounding Off: Obama Hasn’t Fixed Anything Yet

2009-01-27T15:24:00.002-08:00

We’re all familiar with the problems: The economy is puking its guts out. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan carry on unchanged. Our emaciated newspapers tell us every day how many more thousands of people will be losing their jobs within the hour. The planet is heating up. Burger King’s Angry Whopper sandwich epitomizes modern existential dread so perfectly that at least one person in this office has become frightened of the television. The list goes on and on.

One week after his historic inauguration, President Obama has failed to fix any of the formidable problems facing the United States, including everything Republicans obliterated during their 8 years in power. While this should be surprising to no one, we’ve nonetheless been flooded with e-mails from disappointed Americans expressing outrage at the Obama administration for its perceived failures. The litany of complaints is spectacular, with people blaming the new president for everything from obesity to overdrawn checking accounts.

You may be confused about why ATLS has received so much of this mail. If so, join the club. The majority of our readers are sharp, upstanding citizens. They don’t buy bridges or take any shit. So how we’ve become a go-to spot for the insane ramblings of the most ignorant angels of our nature is a mystery to everyone here. Nearest we can figure, one of our many enemies is surreptitiously directing the lesser-minded to our inboxes as if we’re some sort of Obama customer service center. Below are snippets from a few of our favorite messages. Enjoy.

…if Obama cares he would kick kara dioguardi off the show now and put it back to THE ORIGINAL line up (with just simon, paula, and randy) but i guess America was duped again just like with Clinton. dumbasses.
—BigFan71

...so you can see we were pretty excited to open our 401 papers after he was elected but when we did our account had lost 34 percent of it’s total value which just goes to show Obama doesnt care about our money any more than Bush did, and Don’t get me started about how none of the houses on my block have sold since the election!
—Paula Brown, Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Rush said just a few days ago that all these Obama people are trying to make us bend over and grab our ankles, and I’d say he’s right! You ever notice how it’s always people like Obama and his disciples who are the first to cry racism? Don’t you think that’s a little convenient? Don’t you think calling out imaginary boogey men makes a good cover for releasing real Guantanamo terrorists onto U.S. soil?
—Bob, York, PA

To say those of us at Code Pink are disappointed would be a great understatement.
—Anonymous

…and what happens? Surprise! His first television interview is for Arabs, exactly like the Reverend said it would be, selling America to the freaks who want to marry the gay weddings. Oh what a dupe job for the ages! What a con the star crazy Americans fell for thanks to the media force feeding it on a spoon! Well I’m not surprised at all and I’m telling you freedom-loving Americans won’t put up with this bull#@*! for long.
—John, Savage, MD

I just think “angry whopper” is a stupid thing to call it because it’s not even that hot. A few peppers and some hot cheese. Big whoop. I’ve had spicier Doritos. Oh, and newsflash…burger meat isn’t spicy! The more these over-blown, over-hyped, sub-par sandwich offerings come out, the more I look forward to those feedbags I’ve been hearing about. And to think I waited two extra weeks to taste this dumb thing because our local Burger King is ALWAYS LATE WITH EVERYTHING. I hate Idaho.
—Mike Peters, Boise, ID

The Inventor of Rabbit

2009-01-27T15:17:00.001-08:00

John Updike
1932 - 2009

End of (2008) Days

2008-12-29T08:58:00.003-08:00

We're enjoying a spot of laziness to finish out 2008. We recommend it if you have the chance.

We leave you with a selection from one of our favorite records of the year. Thanks for reading, and we'll see you in 2009.

War on Christmas Continues to Rage

2008-12-06T16:53:00.003-08:00

Like many of you, we’ve been saddened to see the war on Christmas spiraling out of control yet again. We made the decision last week not to put our own reporters on the story, since even cursory glances at headlines from across the country suggest the war is pretty well covered. But in case you haven’t seen them, we’ve pasted just a few of this weekend’s headlines below. Here’s hoping the nonsense stops soon. Peace.

Mass Slayings in Austin as War on Christmas Enters Third Week
War on Christmas a Double Whammy for Hurricane Survivors
Militant Christians Mar War Effort With High Rates of Friendly Fire
Department Store Santa Clause Kidnapped in Alabama
Latte-Drinking Sophisticates Trampled in “Christmas Is for Christ” Stampede
Headless Elves Along Parkway Shock Morning Commuters
Walmart-Brokered Peace Talks Collapse After Twelve Days
Orphaned by War, Thousands of Children Fail to Compose Letters to Santa
California’s Christian Soldiers Open Surprise Offensive Against Proposition 8 Protesters
Starbucks Claims “Shooting-Spree Barista” Planted by “Christmas Sleeper Cell”
Happy Holidays Insurgents Unsure Why Christians Have to Be So Goddamn Violent All the Time

Fighting Erupts Early in This Year’s War on Christmas

2008-11-21T15:06:00.001-08:00

November Battles Unusually Fierce

America—Fighting broke out today in the war on Christmas, ushering in some of the earliest and fiercest violence the annual conflict has yet produced. Battles between extremist Christians and the supporters of Happy Holidays raged at retail stores and produced heavy casualties across the nation. Longtime observers of the conflict say the intense nature of the fighting foreshadows a grim December.

In Little Rock, AK, armed supporters of the Christian holiday executed an early morning attack on a Target store. The militants set up a blockade in the store’s parking lot and launched flaming crosses onto the roof and through the building’s entrance doors. Christmas commandos attempted to storm the retail space but were driven back by Target team members and customers. The defenders then mounted a vigorous counter attack using a dizzying array of the merchandise at hand. Eventually the Christians’ blockade was broken by baseball-bat wielding cashiers and a steady volley of butcher knives, flatware, and glass.

Christians’ role in sparking today’s clashes fit well-established patterns in the war. The extremists have long accused Target and other department store chains of taking orders from power brokers in the national media, figures the Christians regard as nihilists who are responsible for marginalizing Christmas and fueling the Happy Holidays insurgency. Unsurprisingly, battles raged today at a variety of department and specialty stores in as many as 17 states, including Toys R Us, K-Mart, and Bed Bath & Beyond.

Reports from the fighting suggest nearly all retail stores defended themselves sufficiently against their Christian aggressors, but at least one Borders location in Pennsylvania was captured. Christian soldiers wasted no time in covering the storefront with a handmade banner that read, “Merry Christmas! We Love You Jesus!”

By noon officials representing a loose network of Happy Holidays battalions conceded that the assaults were doubtless the result of a coordinated offensive. These groups reiterated their long-held view that the Christian attacks are a misdirected reaction to the burgeoning presence of nonspecific seasonal decorations in the weeks prior to Thanksgiving.

Signs that today’s fighting was more explosive than previous November clashes were clear by late morning, when hundreds of wounded fighters and bystanders began streaming into hospitals close to the war zones. As in previous years, medical personnel kept soldiers from differing armies in separate areas in an attempt to avoid violent flare-ups. This practice worked well in the majority of involved hospitals, but a few played host to chaotic scenes.

In Columbus, OH, a riot broke out in an emergency room after a unit of Red Christian Guards became incensed over decorations that acknowledge the existence of Kwanza. Riot Police were summoned to quell the resulting violence, which claimed the lives of three hospital patients unaffiliated with the warring parties.

By nightfall in most war zones, however, much of the fighting had given way to an eerie silence. But residents and officials braced for a second wave of fighting that could begin at any time. Informal polls conducted in key communities suggested that overwhelming margins of citizens expect more violence. Many of those polled expressed worry about looming and large-scale destruction, as well as the possibility that the fighting will expand beyond the retail front as it has in previous years.

Indeed, memories of Christmas past provide justification for these popular worries. While Christmas maintains a perfect record of survival, the wreckage and mayhem caused by its “preemptive defense” have increased steadily from year to year. State and local budgets are continually busted, public resources of all kinds are stretched thin, and lives are changed irrevocably. The federal government is often loathe to step in and provide much more than emergency funding for the wounded, and this year’s economic climate indicates an even slimmer response.

By day’s end, little was clear about this year’s war on Christmas beyond the severity of its first day. Spokespersons from the major factions offered only generic promises to remain vigilant. Government officials from affected areas monitored the situation closely and urged residents to remain calm. As of Friday, no city had released plans for mass evacuations or other large-scale emergency measures.

November 4, 2008

2008-11-04T20:13:00.002-08:00

Landslide.

Tribune photo by Zbigniew Bzdak

McCain Concerts Lively as Election Day Approaches

2008-10-31T14:53:00.006-07:00

Scanton, PA—With less than a week before an election some pollsters predict John McCain will lose, the candidate’s campaign concerts have taken on a surprising but unmistakable intensity. While pundits of all stripes had predicted his events would soon grow desperate and dull, McCain’s performances are as powerful as ever.

Before a capacity crowd today in Scranton, the old, blue-eyed maverick shook the house with an incredible set. McCain and his backing band ripped through nearly every song in their lengthy 2008 repertoire, unveiling a few killer new songs in the process. Altogether the show lasted more then 2 hours and included menacing attack anthems aimed squarely at Barack Obama, rockers in support of Sarah Palin, and an extended jam of slime so repulsive that GOP voters were left begging for more.

From the start, Scranton fans had plenty to be ecstatic about. The show opened with the invigorating “blanco rap” stylings of Regular Joes. The dynamic group performed their hit “Ain’t No Baby Killer” and led the faithful in a raucous audience-participation chant of “No-Bama!,” the viral phenomenon that made them famous.

But make no mistake, this was a McCain concert. Any doubts about who was in charge were demolished when McCain strolled onto the stage, sporting a ten-gallon hat and armed with a bright red Flying V guitar. Clearly relishing the moment, McCain offered a simple “Hello, my friends” before launching into a rocked-out version of “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Hope.” The crowd exploded.

Balls-to-the-wall confidence? Check. Rock and roll superstar? Check.

For those not lucky enough to have attended the show, here’s the setlist:

Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Hope
Smooth Operator
Who’s Afraid of a Black Sheriff?
Obama Just Don’t Understand
You Bother Me, Boy
Are You Experienced?
Long Tall Sarah
Girl, You Know It’s True
Here Comes My Veep
Legs
Crude Oil Fields Forever
For Those About to Drill (We Salute You)
Sympathy for the White Devil / Fear of a Black Planet [medley]
Killing an Arab
I See a Darkness
One Nation Under a Goon
Highway to Hell

Encore

Everybody Lies
Smells Like Wasilla Spirit
Bomb Iran

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With thanks to Chuck.

Straight Face Express

2008-10-23T06:35:00.002-07:00

Honesty First. From The Washington Post:

"I think she's most qualified of any that has run recently for vice
president, tell you the truth," McCain said, citing her experience as a small-town mayor and Alaska governor.

Sarah Palin Has Twelve Things to Do Today

2008-10-10T16:21:00.004-07:00

Spring out of bed. Wake up husband by filling the room with the brightness of her smile. Kneel and pray that her family will be kept safe from witches, that homosexuals will renounce their war against God, and that Jewish people will take Jesus into their hearts.
Sit down for an hour with the day’s briefing book, The Little Bill Who Grew Up and Became a Law. Enjoy this story a little better than yesterday’s book, The Three Branches of Government: Checks, Balances, and How to Get What You Want.
Get ready for the first rally of the morning. Wink into mirror repeatedly. Repeat new one-liners for handlers until they’re satisfied. Gain access to breakfast food as reward.
Take the stage to roaring applause and provide fascism with its prettiest face yet. Claim that Barack Obama recorded a secret gangsta rap album with William Ayers in Louis Farrakhan’s living room. Assert that Obama performed songs called I Hate Stupid White Trash and Gimmie Your Daughters.
After the rally, sit down for a brief interview with campaign-sanctioned Fox News reporter. Emphasize McCain’s commitment to victory in Iraq. Assure viewers that he will bring the troops home with honor in the way the great Ronald Reagan brought the troops home from Vietnam.
Receive lunch late after having to hound handlers about feeling hungry. Sent to front of plane to eat cold, boxed lunch alone while studying the stack of index cards placed on top of the food.
Work on brand new Official Sarah Palin Enemies List during downtime on the plane. Add two new entries: “Morean Dowd” and “facts.”
Ask campaign aide whether President Lyndon Johnson was a Republican. Ignore aide’s exasperated sigh and the long pause that follows. Fill awkwardness with, “Oh, I must have read he was in The New York Times.” Laugh nervously. Wink.
Take the stage at an evening rally in Nebraska. Whip the crowd into a frenzy by railing against “dark liberal forces,” newspapers, homosexuals, reading, and “the science.” Riff on what it is to be “a real American.” Go off the teleprompter and compare Joe Biden’s Senate record to Hitler’s taking guns and the Bible away from Jewish people in Japan. Sail to a roaring finish as the crowd chants her name, toss the mike into the crowd, and kick the podium over before running off the stage waving and smiling.
Jump in McCain-Palin helicopter for a quick dash to an exclusive after-party. Fling the door open mid flight and lean out with a semi-automatic. Mow down a head of cattle and drop the gun over the pasture.
Schmooze with GOP elite at the party. Make a meal out of the “freedom finger foods,” craftily avoiding having to ask the handlers for her dinner. Shake hands with dozens of blushing and fawning middle-age men who tell her she’s the future of the party, that she should pay no mind to the traitors in the media, that she’s going to make a great vice president and, someday, president. Believe without blinking that she earned this.
Arrive at the night’s hotel and get a late call from McCain. Fight urge to let the call go to voicemail. Answer and listen to him tell her she did “really super” today. Try to say thanks but he talks over her words. He says they’re going to “win this thing” but keeps calling her “Sandy.” Listen as he reminds her that sometimes reporters try to trick you—they pretend to be hotel staff or pizza delivery boys—so she should not talk to any strangers under any circumstances. Listen as he asks her to repeat this back to him 50 times. Drift off to sleep saying, “I won’t talk to strangers, I won’t talk to strangers, I won’t talk to strangers….”

Couric and Palin Outtakes: The Unreleased Transcript

2008-09-29T15:59:00.005-07:00

As you know by now, Katie Couric’s impressive interview with Sarah Palin aired last week and was subsequently posted on every blog imaginable. Can’t imagine why. Today we were excited to learn that CBS will release additional footage of Couric and Palin. Unfortunately, we have been unable to locate a leaked version of the footage, but we may have unearthed the transcript. It’s posted below, so enjoy. (Note: In the event that what we’ve found is bunk, this site seems to be a great inside source for Palin’s interactions with the media.)

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Couric: For several years a lot of attention has been paid to the notion of a burdened and stretched-thin middle class. Do you agree with those who say that our middle class is shouldering an undue burden, and if so, what remedies do you propose?

Palin: Oh, absolutely, Katie, America has a middle class and the state of the economy and job losses is an important concern for working families, what with the taxes people pay for corporations and the rising cost of fuel for livestock and how that has a ripple effect hitting our pocket books. Look, I took on the special interests in Alaska and what’s most important is that we curb all the spending in Washington right now, because it’s so out of control and this is crisis moment for America for so many reasons, and now Barack Obama is on the other side of that, and that’s what John McCain and I will change when we get elected to Washington. I pledge to take out the garbage spending and make sure families all have a vote that counts. One family, one vote.

Couric: Now that President Bush’s second term is winding to a close, what would you say are the top three differences between his presidency and that of former President Clinton?

Palin: Well, everything’s better now, which is the first thing I think we all outta know, is how the White House is a place of honor and integrity again and not filled with all of the sss…, ahh, the Democratic parts about Clinton’s presidency…that Barack Obama was fighting against and that President Bush was able to stop. I just want to say that Americans are smart and so they know these things. I don’t have to tell them or say it back to them! They know America has a lot of pride and we have the flag better now…better positioned in the global environment…the world stage that we’re a part of in our world. So that’s the top difference. That’s the number one better thing about where we are now.

Couric: Do you mean to suggest that Americans believe that the country is on the right track, as some might put it? What about polls that have for a while showed that a majority of Americans are unhappy with the current state of affairs?

Palin: Well, you know what I think about polls? I always say polls are a lot like Swiss cheese because both are full of holes [laughs]. I think polls only tell you a little bit about what Americans are thinking and that a lot of Americans are thinking that Americans are in a much better place after fighting for freedom and keeping Americans safe against those who are trying to destroy and kill us every day in this crisis mode that we are in.

You know, Katie, this is a complicated time full of challenges to Americans, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the best workforce in the world or that Americans can’t do anything they put their minds to when they put them to it. They drink their milk, you know… they eat their Wheaties, like the commercial said. That’s what’s important. They have strong bones. That’s what we have to keep telling…you know…saying to everybody, which is different from what some of the elitists in the media might say…no offense to you…or... you know...your crew [laughs].

Couric: Finally, Governor, you have been the subject of a large amount of attention in recent weeks for perhaps obvious reasons. Some critics have suggested that the McCain campaign is purposefully restricting media access to you, and that such restrictions are evidence that you aren’t qualified to be vice present. How do you answer those charges?

Palin: Well, I understand that people have a lot of questions because I would too, and that’s fair. People have questions and that’s something people do all the time, and that’s natural…and it doesn’t make a person bad one. Now I’ll tell you this, Katie, that I don’t need to address the nasty critics, the ones who say that I have to answer questions more often or jump through some fancy hoop, because I think Americans know that’s silly, you know, I’m not lookin’ at poll numbers.

I would just say that not every American is from the Ivy League. Not every woman is a magician or the mother of the year, and I think that’s just part of my background, being a regular mom and a fighter, just someone that people on the internet don’t know how to deal with because I don’t hate everyone or travel around everywhere on vacation or think about foreign policy or other issues. I didn’t have parents who sent me around the world with a backpack full of cash, and maybe that’s hard for some people to deal with, but I’m confident that a lot of Americans will realize I’m just like them and see how that makes me qualified, because I’m so ready for this and I always have been, and always. I’m honored John McCain sees it this way, and I'm honored that he chose me, and I just think his judgment is so amazing and really speaks for itself because he has such a long and distinguished record of service and is an American hero, and so we really shouldn’t question him.

Couric: Well, you certainly seem at ease with your new role.

Palin: Oh, definitely! What I would say, Katie, is that America can feel assured that John McCain chose someone who will fight for them and bring America to the brink of greatness and prosperity and time to celebrate and good mornings in America, in the way Reagan did it to us, God rest his soul. I want Americans to know that they can get ready for John McCain and I to do the same thing to them every day. You can bet we’re going to make things right.

Couric: Thanks for speaking with us, Governor Palin.

Palin: Oh, my pleasure! Thank you, Charlie.

McCain Campaign Will Allow Palin to Eat Regular Meals and Use Bathroom

2008-09-25T15:06:00.003-07:00

Shift in Policy Cheered by Supporters

Washington, DC—The McCain campaign announced this morning that it will allow vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin to eat regular meals and use the bathroom whenever such needs arise. Campaign officials made the announcement shortly after firing a hail of rubber bullets at a group of reporters who had come within 200 feet of the Governor.

Criticized in recent days for keeping Palin on a tight leash, McCain advisers said their decision to offer Palin unrestricted access to food and restroom facilities proves her fitness for the vice presidency. Officials were also careful to note that the media is overrun with bloodthirsty sexists whose express mission is to destroy the candidacy of America’s last living hero.

“Let’s be honest,” said top McCain adviser Steve Schmidt. “The New York Times and Newsweek and Time and all the rest of the so-called journalists have it out for John McCain because his heroic life story threatens to expose their interest in ruining America, and they’re attacking Governor Palin because her child was born with a disability. These are the same reporters who think September 11th was a Republican hoax and that aliens live and breed among us. It’s about character assassination. It’s about confusion. Well, reporters can play that game if they want to, but Americans aren’t dumb enough to buy their nonsense.”

When reporters asked how these comments relate to loosening restrictions on Sarah Palin, Schmidt exploded.

“Oh, come off it!” Schmidt shouted. “What have I just been saying? What more do you need? Do you want to check her birth certificate? Do you want documentation that Governor Palin is not a witch? That she loves her children and her country? Am I supposed to offer some kind of reasonable assurance that Governor Palin has a rudimentary understanding of the major issues facing our nation? You people are shameless! You make me sick!”

Despite Schmidt’s confrontation with reporters, sources close to the campaign confirmed that Palin was allowed unrestricted bathroom access on Wednesday night. These sources were reasonably certain that Palin will be placed on a “free-feed” eating schedule as early as tomorrow. The changes caused many analysts to predict that Palin will be allowed access to a phone and computer by election day.

Palin supporters rejoiced at the news. At a rally outside an Ohio sausage and meat-packing plant, Republican voters were happy with the McCain campaign’s decision.

“That’s our girl Sarah,” exclaimed Sherry Brighton, a purchasing manager for the plant. “She’s going to shake up Washington! They’ll never know what hit ’em!”

“The haters can’t stop Sarah Palin,” added Bart Trussel, who’s worked as a meat grinder at the plant for 20 years. “The reporters talk about how Palin isn’t good enough to be vice president because she’s a woman. They’re afraid of how women can do things different, like when it comes to all the stuff the angry media like to control, like the economy and the gay agenda on TV and in the schools. They can't fool us, though, and that's what they never get. These same people who attack Palin can’t even figure out why some people don’t like to abort babies or eat salad for breakfast.”

Concluded Trussel, “The haters can attack Palin and be cruel all they want, but they’re gonna be sorry come election day.”

Meltdown Awareness Day

2008-09-23T13:17:00.009-07:00

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Design commissioned by ATLS. Special thanks to the artist.

Heavy Rotation Friday

2008-09-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

Thank you Mr. CEO!

Upcoming Claims From Camp McCain

2008-09-17T19:24:00.004-07:00

Unless you watch Fox or the lamest of the lame MSM channels, you know by now that the McCain-Palin camp is taking heat for lying to a degree unprecedented in modern political campaigning. Respectable or not, the lying is a great distraction from the hilarious (though sadly effective) choice of Sarah Palin for the second slot on the GOP ticket. Unsurprisingly, lefties and the netroots have been wigging out about the McCain campaign’s tactics, claiming that the old man and the pretty lady are getting a pass from a spineless press corps, which is fair even though few people seem to care.

Perhaps chief among the McCain-Palin lies are the bogus “Bridge to Nowhere” claims pushed repeatedly by Palin while campaigning in places other than Alaska. Others lies are also popular, but we’re not sure if any of them matter. For example, on Monday McCain claimed to have invented fire in 1958. We thought this sounded preposterous, and indeed we found contrary explanations on the origins of fire as soon as we looked it up. But then we realized that fact checking is a pointless exercise—how can we disprove McCain’s claim when all we have as evidence against it are a few sentences at Wikipedia and long-established scientific fact? Besides, people want to believe John McCain is the original fireman. They love imagining him wearing a fireman’s helmet, brandishing his gigantic hose, and standing (moderately) tall with a Dalmatian or Sarah Palin at his side. It’s comforting.

All of this got us thinking: Wow, firemen have a tough job. Also: What other lies can we expect from McCain-Palin? Our best predictions are below:

Barack Obama plays hoops with celebrity terrorists every Sunday.
Every time Barack Obama steps out of public view he puts his arms around his entourage of swimsuit models and flips everyone off.
The McCain economic plan will cut the cost of gas in half forever.
Via robo-calls: Barack Obama is known to provide comfort and shelter to the people who murdered Jesus. Obama was brainwashed in this radical practice after he spent time in jail with Muslims for selling drugs and pornography to children.
Sarah Palin knows how to kill a moose to feed and clothe her family. Barack Obama would give moose more rights to life than unborn babies.
John McCain is 59 years old.
Barack Obama wants you to marry your same-sex dog. If you don’t believe that, just look at him. It’s scary.
America’s economic problems are the fault of the liberal press, who secretly worked with Democrats to design flawed finance laws to make Republicans look bad. Liberal media types are soulless monsters who hate regular people like you because you shop at Wal-Mart and like to eat regular food. The liberal press calls you “fat, Bible-thumping baby makers” and “dipshit hicks” in all of those fancy magazines you can’t buy at Cracker Barrel or read.
Sarah Palin’s voice is not annoying.
John McCain knows how to do a Google just fine.
John McCain doesn’t lie.

------------
Posted with thanks to Chuck T.

Obama Adopts Harsher Tone as Race Heats Up

2008-09-13T09:42:00.001-07:00

Heavy Rotation Friday

2008-09-12T16:12:00.001-07:00

Like seeing Jesus on Dateline.

New Killer Star

2008-09-04T05:36:00.002-07:00

As written in Sarah Palin's prepared remarks:

Starting in January, in a McCain-Palin administration, we're going to lay more pipelines ... build more new-clear plants ... create jobs with clean coal ... and move forward on solar, wind, geothermal, and other alternative sources.

Liveblogging From the Democratic National Convention

2008-08-27T10:03:00.003-07:00

Late Update: Thanks to those of you who checked in during our first experiment with liveblogging, fleeting as it was. Something tells me we won’t be doing this for the RNC, but we gave it a shot. Cheers.

-------------------------------

9:23 p.m.: Checking online for a plane ticket home. Not sure we’re cut out for this form of journalism. Plus I got wing sauce all over the company laptop. Anyway, Pelosi is talking now or banging a gavel or something. Or maybe that’s Levin. I could take a closer look but that would involve getting off this stool. Like it matters. Either way the subtext is You think we can’t possibly lose this year but you just wait and see, little darlings. I asked a staffer to go check out who’s speaking and scribble some text from the closed captioning, but he’s chatting up some lady at the bar and forgetting to get me another Stella. At least hailing a cab to the airport won’t be as much trouble.

8:10 p.m.: Oh my god these wings are making me cry. I’m fired up!

8:02 p.m.: I’m still really liking the new Gnarls Barkley.

7:45 p.m.: Sorry. We ordered another couple rounds. Watching C-SPAN at the bar. And the Mets game. And ordering more wings. From here the convention looks like an inexplicably elaborate award ceremony for second-tier actors. But it’s hard to see from this angle, thanks to what I think is a bra hanging from the ceiling that’s partially blocking our view of that particular television. Also, Stella is pretty good beer. What time does Clinton go on? Was that last night?

6:01 p.m.: We’re at a bar across the street. Will get back to blogging in a bit.

4:45 p.m.: We were just told that someone was pulling our legs. Apparently beer vendors do NOT come up and down the aisles during the speeches in the evenings. This is the single most horrific inconvenience ever thrust upon a convention crowd. How the hell is anyone supposed to sit through this without the chance to get completely wiped? These are the Democrats for Christ’s sake. I can’t do this dry for a whole week. You’ve got to be out of your mind. We’re bringing a cooler tomorrow and that’s final.

3:54 p.m.: If you hurl a superball from the top of the hall it will bounce to the stage with ease. I just won 5 bucks.

3:10 p.m.: Some people from Florida and Michigan are wandering around with a grudge, as expected. One group is on some kind of walking circuit while holding signs with slogans like “Count the Votes!” and “Democracy is for all 50 states!” We are going to try to infiltrate their ranks and report back to you, but I’m not confident it will work out. I just think we’ll have a difficult time blending in: They appear disheveled, bitter, and a bit stoned, whereas we appear super cool, happy as cat shit, and put together (as always).

2:45 p.m.: We’re discovering that conventions are plenty boring during the day. Just a ton of blabbering, exclusive meetings, and special receptions for this or that. More forced smiles than you’ve seen in your whole life. There’s also a ton of power-touching going on. Everywhere you look someone is rubbing the next guy’s shoulders or patting someone’s back or shaking hands or goosing a super delegate or sliding a hand up a skirt in front of everyone. Bunch of sluts, really.

1:17 p.m.: Bill Clinton is said to be in a meeting room right now pounding his fists on the walls. We can’t confirm this, but there’s a rumor security has been called to the scene. One of our staffers overheard an aide saying the former President was heard screaming, “No! No! No! No! No! Not Fair! My convention!”

12:45 p.m.: Somewhere James Carville just woke up.

12:10 p.m.: The lunch hall opened up a few minutes ago and was immediately mobbed. It seems today’s hot menu item is chicken strips, so about 5,000 salivating Dems just bowled over everyone in their path to vie for the first batch out of the ovens. At least four trampled older adults have been taken to the hospital. I wandered in after the initial rush to watch two low-level staffers from the Wisconsin and Illinois delegations punch it out by the BBQ sauce bar. The cheesehead didn’t stand a chance, but I kept yelling, “Get him, Favre!”

11:15 a.m.: Lindsey Graham is here and for whatever stupid reason he just pulled the fire alarm. Everyone has to get out now. Be back in a bit.

10:55 a.m.: Starting the day off right, members of a motley group of Hillary Clinton dead-enders were arrested outside of the main convention hall and charged with petty childishness. Apparently they tried to start an anti-Obama chant as the police closed in, but the effort failed as they forgot to take the pacifiers out of their mouths.

10:45 a.m.: Al Franken just walked by. We asked whether his presence was necessary since Comedy Central is here in force, but he advised us to “piss off.” Then we told him O’Reilly is outside making fun of him and he took off at a dead sprint. He smells a little bit like oyster crackers. We don’t know why.

10:24 a.m.: The person running the jumbo screens behind the stage is a bit of a prankster. They’re booting up the system for the day and I just saw the words “Paging Mr. Edwards, Paging Mr. Edwards” scroll by in the trademark Obama font. Then that famous picture of a young George W. Bush flipping off the camera appeared briefly on every screen in the house. I need to buy this guy a beer. Is it too early to drink? Nevermind.

9:30 a.m.: Democrats sure are a smiley bunch at this hour. It’s nothing but joy and excitement so far. Hasn’t anyone told these people that they belong to the losing party?

9:10 a.m.: Liveblogging! We liveblog! We blog in real, actual time!

March of the Pigs

2008-08-13T06:01:00.005-07:00

Step right up. From The New York Times:

For instance, Mr. Corsi writes that Mr. Obama had “yet to answer” whether he “stopped using marijuana and cocaine completely in college, or whether his drug usage extended to his law school days or beyond.” “How about in the U.S. Senate?” Mr. Corsi asks.

The Straight Talk Advertising Company

2008-08-08T07:53:00.001-07:00

The McCain camp is doing a bang-up job running the professional, respectful campaign they promised. Despite all the blubber from pundits and media types, it’s easy to see how McCain’s Celeb ad helps fulfill the candidate’s commitment to intelligent dialogue.

Over these last few days we’ve been wondering what ads might be coming next from the masters of straight talk. Our humble suggestions follow.

Makes You Wonder

Dark clouds appear on the screen followed by a lightning strike. The audience watches a desolate landscape being pelted by a storm. A steady bass drum beats in the background. An ominous narrator speaks as his words flash in red on the screen: “Cancer. September 11. Salmonella Outbreaks. Illegal Immigrants. Jonbenet Ramsey. West Nile Virus. The Housing Crisis. Lead-Laced Toys From China. Suicide Bombers. AIDS. Where was Barack Obama?”

The Real Barack

This ad opens with a beach scene—bright sun, blue water, and golden sand. Only ocean waves and seagulls can be heard. For several seconds nothing on the screen moves, perhaps tricking viewers into thinking this is the latest ad from Corona. The camera then pans to three young women sunbathing in bikinis. The shot stops there and remains still. No other people are on the beach. A relaxed narrator speaks between the sounds of waves breaking on the shore: “Looks great out there today. Barack Obama would certainly love it.”

Who Is Barack Hussein?

The ad begins with a black screen and gloomy, synthesized music. Pictures of Obama begin to fly by, one after another. The pictures of Obama are soon interspersed with others: headshots of Jeremiah Wright, Louis Farrakhan, Vladimir Lenin, and Oscar the Grouch; an American flag lapel pin discarded in a pile of trash; images of various natural disasters; long lines of cars at gas stations. A skeptical narrator speaks: “People are talking. Who is Barack Hussein Obama? What does he believe in? Where did Barack Obama come from? Did he come from space? Is Barack Obama dangerous? Does he want to put children in jail? People are talking. Is Barack Hussein Obama going to raise our taxes? Does he think high gas prices are good for your family? If Barack Obama thinks high gas prices are good for your family, why? People are talking. Why does Barack Obama hang out with crazy people? Did he really attend that Muslim church in Chicago? What is a Muslim church? Where is Chicago? People are talking about Barack Hussein Obama. People have a lot of questions. But we may never know the answers. Thanks for nothing, Barack Obama.”

John McCain: Real McCoy

Inspiring, patriotic music opens this spot with a surge of energy. The sounds of snare drums and brass instruments suggest themes such as honor, service, and commitment. Footage of McCain smiling and flanked by his aides rolls by, mingled with still pictures of McCain as a serviceman. The voice of Wilford Brimley gushes: “John McCain: hero, senator, and fighter pilot. One doggone amazing American. Folks, John McCain has been helping guide our country to greatness for years. With two or three political makeovers already under his belt, he’s no fancy new kid on the block. He’s not some slick salesman trying to sell you a roof repair you don’t need. And he’s not trying to sleep with your granddaughter. He’s the real McCoy. A man you can trust. A man who knows wars are for winning, nickels are for saving, and computers are just a lot of gosh-danged bull. This November, do what your old friend Wilford Brimley’s gonna do. Vote for John McCain.”

John McCain Not Arrested for Possession of Cocaine

2008-07-23T11:33:00.001-07:00

Rochester, NH—Senator and presidential candidate John McCain was not arrested Tuesday evening for possession of cocaine, nor was he charged with possession of cocaine with intent to distribute. McCain was with his entourage in New Hampshire last night, where the senator is touring, talking to voters, being a bit of a dick, and not attending all-night parties stocked with hookers and blow.

Reports that McCain had not been arrested did not start filtering out from local news affiliates late last night. McCain had not drawn attention from police for being disorderly in the lobby of a hotel where a fundraiser had taken place. Shortly after the event concluded, authorities were not suspicious of McCain because he had not been in the bathroom “for more than 30 minutes” with “one man and several young women.”

Authorities did not then witness McCain leaving the restroom with his arms around two of the women and a kind of energy and laughter uncommon for a 71-year-old. The senator was not stopped and questioned in the lobby of the hotel, where he did not grow belligerent and pelt officers with spit and vulgar insults to their manhood. Because the senator was not obviously intoxicated while smoking a cigarette indoors, he was not asked to place his arms over his head so the authorities could check his pockets for illegal substances or weapons.

Witnesses say it was at this moment when McCain did not try to walk away from the police officers, did not throw a punch at one of the officers, and was not chased and tackled in a pathetic attempt to flee the hotel.

After he was not arrested, things not found on John McCain’s person included: 3 grams of powder cocaine, two marijuana cigarettes, one pack of Newport cigarettes, one tube of eye drops, one pack of breath mints, one “gold chip” from the Rochester Elite Gentlemen’s Club, and one wallet that held, among other things, $720 in cash.

McCain’s nonarrest did not shock top aides within his camp since none of them had spent the previous night tweaking on four hits of white blotter, wandering the streets aimlessly while debating politics and philosophy. Earlier that evening, McCain did not need to be “talked down” off the bar at a local tavern where the group had not been “drinking the kegs dry.”

Fallout from the candidate’s lack of hardcore partying in New Hampshire is expected to be minimal. Indeed, McCain has not yet had to avoid an onslaught of questions from reporters oversexed by this nonstory.

Without having to face arraignment on drug charges, McCain will continue his tour today by holding a town hall meeting in Pennsylvania. Aides say the senator plans to childishly mock Barack Obama, spout more contradictory nonsense about the economy, and wildly confuse basic facts about the war in Iraq while claiming superiority on the issue. McCain will end the day with a campaign strategy meeting, where he will continue to take advice and counsel from several of the political psychopaths who ran President Bush’s 2004 reelection campaign.

I've Been Running Around in Circles in My Mind

2008-07-10T11:40:00.002-07:00

Take a load off and revisit some of the greatest hits of all time.

Heavy Rotation Friday

2008-07-03T14:40:00.003-07:00

Good luck getting this out of your head.

"Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!"
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Samantha Tinkerston Worried Obama Is Breaking Up With Her

2008-06-27T15:03:00.003-07:00

Sources Say She Knows It’s Over

Wilmette, IL—Sources close to Samantha Tinkerston say the Illinois teen is growing increasingly worried that her boyfriend, Barack Obama, plans to break up with her. If true this would mark the end of what friends and relatives call Samantha’s on-and-off relationship with Obama that began in December of last year.

“Samantha loves Obama,” groans little sister Dawn. “She actually broke up with him in March, I think. Or maybe it was February. It was cold because I was in my Hannah Montana jacket when she told me,” said Dawn. “But then she took him back when Darryl Thompson didn’t invite her to the 7th grade dance. Boys are stupid, and so is Samantha. And that’s why they’re breaking up.”

According to Samantha’s top BFF, Lucy Rodriguez, Samantha began worrying about being dumped by Obama last Monday after gym.

“She said Obama promised he was all about hope and change but that she knew he would end up on the wrong side of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, and that it would totally mean he was about to break up with her,” said Rodriguez. “And then just like she predicted he supported FISA. Now she knows what’s coming and won’t eat her tater tots at lunch, and they’re her OMFG favorite food, even though she pretends not to like them or any other food whenever Darryl’s around.”

Lucy’s account of Samantha’s worry matches the timeframe recounted by Dawn and 10-year-old neighbor Cindy Hoytsdoyle. Both girls report “big changes” in Samantha that began early last week.

“She went to her room last Monday night after dinner and started listening to Bright Eyes,” said Dawn. “She locked the door and turned off all the lights except her desk light. She was trying to be real serious with that dumb, boring music. And since then she hasn’t let me in her room, not even to get her old Nancy Drew books even though mom said I could read them if I wanted, which I think is pretty cool since Martha’s mom won’t let her read them ever. Martha smells funny some days though. She smells like oatmeal. And her parents go to that one church on Splendid Way that no one else we know goes to—the one dad said is full of crazy people.”

Sipping a Slurpee next to her parents’ Volvo, Cindy offered a similar account.

“Samantha definitely thinks she’s going to get dumped,” she said. “I saw a sign she put on her door that said, ‘Hope Is Just a Word.’ Then the next day on the bus we saw her blue notebook said, ‘You Can Believe He’ll Change and Break Your Heart.’ I think she’s pretty upset about it. But I guess we should have seen this coming since Obama’s started making tactical shifts toward the center in what amounts to an obvious ploy to woo independent voters, many of whom are already breaking away from McCain. If you ask me, Samantha did this to herself when she fell for a politician.”

While each source close to Samantha confirmed that the teen is beside herself with worry, none offered a prediction about when her relationship with Obama will end. Moreover, none would confirm that the two are together at all.

“Look,” says Lucy. “She knows it’s over, but it never really began. It’s hard to explain, and I don’t want to be mean about it or make her so mad that she takes back her Lacoste sweater or unfriends me from her MySpace, because her updates are always my excuse to talk with Brad, and me not talking to Brad CAN’T HAPPEN. But at the same time I think she wasn’t thinking clearly when she bought into all that Yes We Can rhetoric. Did she really think Obama wouldn’t try to make himself seem more electable? It’s like when that skank Darlene Papelbon broke up with Troy to date Brad just so his friends would vote for her for Class Treasurer because she is a really awful person and I hate her. I’m not saying that what Obama’s doing is that horrible. I’m just saying that Darlene is a bitch-face. I’m also saying Samantha should’ve known Obama would reverse his positions on a issues like NAFTA and public financing as we get closer to the fall. She fell too hard for January Obama.”

Whatever the state of the relationship, Samantha Tinkerston is not offering a definitive sign to anyone inside or outside the Tinkerston home. Not surprisingly, the lovesick teen declined to be interviewed for this report.

“She’ll get over him,” said Lucy. “I IM her all the time to let her know he isn’t worth it. I think it’s cheering her up. Last night she cracked a smiley-face emoticon in one of her replies. Just don’t be surprised if she trashes all her Obama gear.”

Free-Floating Hostility

2008-06-23T04:48:00.002-07:00

George Carlin
1937 - 2008

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

2008-06-13T13:16:00.005-07:00

We’ve been taking a little vacation from our corner of the Internets. Maybe you’ve noticed, maybe you haven’t. Maybe you couldn’t care less because you visit just once a year. Or perhaps you’re here by accident, thanks to an exhaustive Google search for all things related to “spanking,” “spank,” “sincere spanking,” “affirm sincerity through spanking,” “the spank that makes a difference,” “affirmative spanking,” or “anonymous satirical blog updated twice monthly covering such crucial sociopolitical topics as getting drunk and the inexcusable obnoxiousness of the Religious Right.”

It’s not that we haven’t been paying attention. We’ve just been spaced out in the pleasant afterglow of one of the biggest political upsets of all time. The feeling is so odd that we decided to (temporarily) hold our fire against the HRC dead-enders, whose grief may be keeping them from recognizing the racism implicit in their protest. (One of my closest advisers has urged me to give them time, and that’s fair. But come fall it’s knives out for the “Vote Present” camp.)

That’s it. May all your beer be cold this weekend.

We leave you with a random treat. That is, if you can endure the shakiness caused by time-lapsed photography.

Clinton Campaign Imitates Parody II

2008-05-22T09:40:00.003-07:00

Wow.

...Hillary Clinton compared the plight of Zimbabweans in their recent fraudulent election to the uncounted votes of Michigan and Florida voters saying it is wrong when “people go through the motions of an election only to have them discarded and disregarded.”

“We’re seeing that right now in Zimbabwe," Clinton explained. "Tragically, an election was held, the president lost, they refused to abide by the will of the people,” Clinton told the crowd of senior citizens at a retirement community in south Florida. — CBS News, From the Road blog

President Bush Has 12 Things To Do Today

2008-05-16T04:44:00.010-07:00

Sleep in a little, maybe as late as 8:30. It’s over in January, so anyone who has a problem with this can go fuck themselves.
Lie in bed and ignore ringing phone. Whisper something about “that bald asshole.”
Skip breakfast and workout leisurely. Pretend flood of happiness from daughter’s wedding will offset festering despair over being the most unpopular President in history.
Arrive in West Wing and order staff to cancel all appointments. Crack that inane “time to make the donuts” joke and ignore Cheney calling after him from down the hall. Also ignore secretary trying to alert him to Cheney. Walk straight ahead as Cheney begins snapping his fingers and yelling, “George! George! Hey, George, it’s Dick! George! Come here for a second! George, it’s me, Dick!” Do not in any way acknowledge the Vice President. Continue walking swiftly into Oval Office. Slam door.
Walk toward desk in Oval Office and flip off phone, already ringing. Answer phone:
—Yeah.
—Oh, hey, Dick.
—Really? Weird.
—Are you serious? Just now?
—That’s messed up.
—[Whispering] Bald fat fuck.
—What? I didn’t say anything.
—Maybe it’s static.
—[Whispering] Maybe your ears are plugged with lard.
—I said it’s just static.
—So what do you need?
—Today? You mean now? Oh, no.
—No, I’m busy this morning.
—Yeah, no. No way.
—Yeah, all morning. I’m just…really swamped.
—No, sorry. Can’t. That won’t work either.
—Oh, man. Sounds like a real whammy. Wish I could help you, Dick.
—Yeah, well, I better get to it.
—Sorry again. Don’t shoot me, okay Dick?
—I said don’t shoot me in the face.
—Yeah, okay. Maybe tomorrow. Sure, sounds really great.
Unplug phone. Slide chair back from desk. Take favorite rubber ball out from top drawer and throw it hard across the office, catching it with one hand on its return bounce. Repeat this several times without error. “God, I’m good. Look at me. Perfect. Genuine. Complete. Crystalline. Pure.” In flash of inspiration, return ball to drawer and work on text for next Presidential Signing Statement: “Today, I have signed into law H.R. XXXX, the National Oil for Babies Act of 2008. The Act secures a strategic reserve of crude oil for exclusive use by American babies, thus establishing an unprecedented pairing of two of our most precious resources. Provisions of the Act, including sections 43 and 619, claim authority my lawyers have assured me I can ignore without fear of reaction from the legislative or judicial branches, since I’m the man. These provisions could block the golden streams of urine with which I regularly soak the Constitution, as well as my ability to carry out my morally bankrupt assault on civil liberties in the name of Jesus Christ, our Nation’s only Savior and Supreme Lord. As I have specific obligations as Commander in Chief, among these national security and supervision of the executive branch, I have no choice but to command that these provisions lick my balls. The executive branch shall construe such provisions in a manner consistent with however my megalomaniac lawyers choose to interpret the powers of the President. Now sit down and be quiet.”
Lunch on hot dogs and ice cream.
Take an unplanned stroll around the Rose Garden. Some days it feels like the job is stretching into forever. They don’t tell you that when you win your first term. Fight back anxiety over lame duck status—the long list of unsolved problems, the countries that won’t be invaded, the popular fears that won’t be exploited, the thousands of prisoners who may never be tortured. Stew in anger over the media’s disproportionate preoccupation with waterboarding. Torture is so much more than that. Would it kill them to give some credit for the use of dogs and sexual humiliation? What about sleep deprivation and belly slaps? Almost no mention of forced standing and stress positions, and those are the best ones! No. All you hear is waterboarding this, waterboarding that. Fuckers.
Return to West Wing. Creep down the hallways, peering carefully around each corner in case Cheney is lurking about. Get spotted by Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten, who approaches and says hello. Without a word, turn to Bolten and stare him down forcefully. Watch as Bolten becomes so frightened he walks into a wall and drops his coffee. Leave Bolten to clean up his mess. Ask secretary to hold all calls and slip into Oval Office. Nap.
Wake in the late afternoon and wander back to the residence. Appeal to Laura about skipping an evening fundraiser for the GOP; put on tuxedo when she will have none of this. Pout for a bit in the limousine, but perk up when she lists the appetizers they’re likely to be served. Bounce around the room all evening in a light mood, oblivious to the sense of doom among donors, their untouched food, the part he plays in their misery. Devour ribeye.
Skip out of fundraiser before dessert. Would rather eat ice cream at home anyway. Appeal unsuccessfully to Laura for a sick day tomorrow. “You’ve had enough,” she says. Watch Washington roll by through tinted windows. Drift off for a bit and dream about factories churning out statues with his likeness, victory parades in the sky, standing center stage in front a stadium packed with supporters, taking the microphone with a grin, flashbulbs popping by the thousands, “I can hear you. The rest of the world hears you….”
Wake to Laura shaking his arm. “George, wake up,” she says. “You’re dreaming. We’re home. Now get out of the car.”

Half-Drunk Analysis: Media Criticism of Obama Increasing as Democratic Contest Continues

2008-04-25T14:43:00.004-07:00

Once Your Buzz Is Working It’s Clear That News Organizations, Pundits Blame Obama for Not Being the Messiah

The agonizing Democratic primary season is far from over, and with each day that passes criticism of its frontrunner grows more frequent. A half-drunk but way credible news analysis by Affirming the Least Sincere (ATLS) shows unequivocally that Senator Barack Obama is under increasing fire from media organizations, the pundit class, and political operatives within the media who disguise themselves as impartial experts. Indeed, on all media networks and in all newspapers everywhere, the rising number of anti-Obama material suggests that everybody should hate him now. He’s a big jerk face. He's a secret Muslim communist who is also not our savior and he cannot perform miracles because he is too young and arrogant. And besides, he and his wife hate America and go to that terrible church. Fuck that guy.

Our analysis was conducted last night at McCracken’s Pub after each of us had downed four or five Eggenbergs. We began by carefully eating three plates of buffalo wings while mocking Michael Savage mercilessly, and from there we inexplicably detoured into a brief argument concerning Major League Baseball’s American League East division before turning to methodical bitching about how watching certain MSNBC commentators talk politics is only slightly more appealing than performing acupuncture on one’s testicles. We then compared strategies for fighting existential dread caused by xenophobic assholes, wherein each of us was careful to acknowledge that “a 2-day bender” is not a healthy treatment for accidental exposure to Rush Limbaugh’s Open-Line Friday. After a slightly uncomfortable silence, someone skillfully ordered more beer and we pivoted into a group debriefing of the “red-light” hoax in the skies over Arizona the other night, how it reminded everyone of the famous “Phoenix Lights” incidents of 1997, at which point Barack Obama happened to be pictured on two channels above the bar and we all came to the unanimous conclusion that mainstream media is stocked with a repulsive crew of character assassins who want to teach Obama a lesson for thinking he’s special. Our study also found that, given the remarkable success and tenor of the Obama candidacy, it’s highly likely that a vast conspiracy has formed among the power elite to drag his ass into the muck with everybody else. We know you’re a Harvard man with a crush on Karl Marx. We know you think you’ll get herpes if you actually hang around with the proletariat. We’ve got your number, and in a couple of months those lunchbucket Democrats who voted for Clinton will be clamoring to have you deported back to Iraqastan.

One doesn’t need to knock back six pints to achieve clarity, but it helps, and our mildly inebriated examination reveals troubling media trends that indicate a regular tsunami of bullshit is forthcoming. Our analysis also provides ample justification for wanting to put your drunk face on the table. That’s right, we say put thy drunk face down, put it down! Move that last glass out of the way, throw it on the floor, whatever. It doesn’t matter. Easy now...slow down. No one’s gonna care if you just take a little 5-minute nap. The wait staff is cool with it—we do it all the time. We’ll watch your stuff. That’s it, just relax. Allow the moderately interesting rock cranking from the jukebox to roll over you in riffs. Notice the peculiar way in which the loud voices and laughter and clinking glasses of the bar blur into a satisfying hum. Isn’t that nice? No Chris Wallace. No George Stephanopoulos. No CNN Best Political Team. Just that fine, buzzy hum. Now you’re getting it. Put your drunk face down. Put it down.

Letters: The Pope, The Hate, The Clinton

2008-04-17T16:00:00.008-07:00

Howdy. Care to comment on the Pope’s visit to the U.S.?

Kevin
Toronto, Canada

Kevin,

Not really, although Waiting for Guffman was on television the other night. That movie is a classic, but I imagine you’re well aware of that. I always get a kick out of the scene in the musical-within-the-movie wherein an alien spaceship lands in Blaine, MO. Eugene Levy plays the alien who emerges from the ship to sing Nothing Ever Happens on Mars, which ends hilariously with the refrain “Bor-ing! Bor-ing! Bor-ing! Bor-ing! Bor-ing! Bor-ing! Bor-ing! Bor-ing!”

Spank

***************

Hey Douche. I hate your site. It sucks. I don’t even know why I bother to check it. If I were a hacker I would hack the crap out of it. If it were a newspaper I would use it to start fires. If your site were a baseball team I would buy season tickets behind home plate and boo constantly at every single game including rain-outs. I would make Yankee fans seem polite. If your site were an ice cream stand I would leave it out in the August sun until all the delicious ice cream turned to puddles and got covered with flies. If your site were a stock car and if I were a NASCAR driver, I would buy your car and drive it into the wall in the first turn of the Daytona 500. I would escape the wreckage and not bother to rebuild the car. I would go on ESPN and talk about how terrible the car was and then I would immediately retire from stock car racing and blame everything on the car. Your “writing” is a joke. Your “reporting” is as entertaining as my 3-year-old’s artless scribbling. He only uses the brown crayon. The one that looks like crap. I think maybe he has a problem. My wife and I just look at each other when he colors, wondering about the brown crayon, since all those vibrant colors just sit there in the box unused. Sixty-three other colors. He always chooses the brown. He has filled 29 coloring books with his mess so far. One time my wife put the brown crayon in a small box and hid it on the top shelf of our bedroom closet. Later that afternoon he was coloring again with the brown crayon. We still don’t know how he got it, since our other child hates him and doesn’t help him with anything, let alone find a crayon neither of them know we hid. It was pretty weird.

Bruce,
Cabbage, IL

Bruce,
Thanks for sharing.

Spank

***************

Spank,
I’m getting pretty tired of people saying Hillary Clinton should drop out of the presidential race. It’s absurd to suggest that the more experienced candidate who’s won the big states should just abandon her campaign. She’s less than 200 delegates behind in the race and there are more contests to go, so everyone needs to chill!

Sorry. I just needed to vent, and I know I can count on you for a sound opinion on the subject.

Helen
Columbus, OH

Helen,
You might be right; maybe it’s not fair for people to say that HRC should just drop her bid. After all, there’s still a chance she can woo the party bosses to give her the nomination even after losing the popular vote and the delegate count and the total number of states won. It’s still possible for her to wrestle the nomination out of the hands of the most successful Black candidate in America’s history, thereby rendering all anger over the 2000 election moot. Victory at any cost is still in the cards but the Obamaniacs want to deny the remaining voters their chance to be heard!

Well, I hear you, Helen. It’s probably not fair. Just like it’s probably not fair to suggest that the experience Clinton touts ad nauseum includes mistakes so horrendous that she helped pave the way for the 1994 Republican revolution and derailed progress on her signature policy issue for at least 15 years. Nor is it fair to ask how a President Hillary Clinton will be “ready on day one” when she can’t seem to run a dominant campaign despite tremendous advantage in name recognition—a campaign that got thumped right out of the gate in Iowa, drubbed on Super Tuesday, and is now in such debt that it has trouble covering health insurance costs for its employees. It might also be unfair to point out how her chief strategist throughout most of her campaign happens to be one of the most repugnant people in politics, who is largely behind the current Clinton strategy to assume the role of a Republican candidate and slash Obama so badly that he appears unelectable. Just think about the brilliance in that approach! And yet people have the nerve to say she should quit. Unbelievable.

I guess what I’m saying, Helen, is don’t let it worry you. The next time someone tells you Hillary should quit, just remind him or her that Hillary is the only candidate to beat Obama over the head for praising Ronald Reagan’s ability to inspire before she herself praised the late President’s bipartisanship in a debate—as though she thought of it first and should be congratulated for her generosity of spirit. Tell that person to quit being so arrogant because Hillary Clinton is the only candidate with the guts to yell “shame on you” at Barack Obama in front of everyone; the only candidate sly enough to employ Bush-style tactics and plant questions for herself at a campaign stop; the only candidate brave enough to expose the “vast right-wing conspiracy” before becoming cozy with its key personnel when it became politically necessary; the only candidate sharp enough to dispatch a popular former President as an attack dog who mucked it up so badly in South Carolina the campaign had to bench him for a few weeks; the only candidate who pulled in $109 million in 2007 and then accused her opponent of being an elitist. Oh, Helen, the ammunition you have at your disposal is endless. Hillary Clinton drop out? Ridiculous! She’s going to ~~fucking destroy the Democratic party~~ win this election yet.

So keep the faith and shine on, you crazy boomer.

Spank

***************

Poll: Voters Dissatisfied With Tone of Presidential Race

2008-03-28T15:09:00.002-07:00

Rhetoric Viewed as Stupid, but Not Stupid Enough

A new poll out from American Survey finds that a majority of American voters are dissatisfied with the tone of the presidential race. The poll tallied large numbers of Americans who say the candidates are spending too much time addressing issues and not enough time injecting idiocy into the contest. This is the first poll of the year to suggest that voters see the race in a largely unfavorable light.

Within hours of its release, the poll was cited by political analysts as proof that the 2008 election season has yet to compete with previous years in terms of empty issues trumped up and exploited by partisan hacks at the expense of our collective intelligence. Many such analysts warned that unless the candidates are willing to quickly cheapen their arguments with wedge issues and embarrassing fear tactics, voters may lose interest in the process earlier than ever before.

Adding to the grim revelations is the fact that the poll was taken well after the Democratic race became unbearable, a sign that voters have given up on being adequately degraded.

Indeed, conversations with a random sampling of voters reveal a considerable amount of frustration.

“I’m disappointed with the campaigns because I expect less from them,” said Meredith Scaife, an advertising consultant and mother of two. “The stuff about the black preacher who hates everyone is scary and basically meaningless, I admit, but it’s hardly something I can use to frighten my children. The candidates need to give me something truly idiotic, preferably in a sound bite I can easily memorize and repeat until it’s true.”

“Yeah, there have been a few spats of late, but the whole thing lacks authentic stupidity,” lamented Dale Cooper, an investment banker who said he’s been tired of “the nicey-nice” race for more than a month. For Mr. Cooper, it’s not enough for candidates to promote low-level inanity over prolonged periods. As he concluded, “I’ve had enough of the pussy-footing. What I’m looking for are carpet bombs of rhetoric so unbelievably stupid that I feel violated.”

Although it’s still early, experts say sentiments such as these are worrisome to both parties. Lynne Wasserman of the Southerly Wind Institute, a political consulting firm, said the growing frustration among voters “presents a big obstacle” for all the candidates as the election approaches.

“Voters are used to being yelled at,” said Wasserman. “They’re used to politicians who appeal to worries and excuse prejudices. The presidential class of 2008 have done that, certainly, but they need to pour it on if they want to be judged dumb enough to get elected.”

In response to the poll, top advisers to Senators Clinton, McCain, and Obama held an unprecedented joint conference call with journalists. The advisers assured the media that they intend to heed public opinion and promised spikes of stupidity in the coming weeks.

Whatever happens, judging by voters like Kim Madison, the campaigns have their work cut out for them.

“What nobody’s saying is that the race is really boring,” said Madison, a graduate student by day and Starbucks barista by night. “No offense to my gender, but this race has no balls. I feel like I’m this huge target of moral self-righteousness begging to be taken advantage of by whorish surrogates and shady astroturf organizations. I wake up in the morning just craving a perfectly coordinated smear campaign that relies on mainstream media manipulation to manufacture a whopper so massive that any hope for intelligent discourse is obliterated. And every day that passes without such an outrage pisses me off even more. Seriously, just whom do we have to blow to get offended in this country?”

Hello Internet, We Are Clinton

2008-03-27T18:11:00.002-07:00

Department of Random Praise

2008-03-25T13:26:00.004-07:00

Ever get a craving? Yeah, me too.

Fatigued Obama Loses Face in Interview

2008-03-07T15:44:00.002-08:00

It was bound to happen. Sooner or later we knew Obama’s characteristic cool would show a crack or two, and today he reminded us that sometimes everyone just needs a nap. Appearing on a television talk show in Pennsylvania, the star candidate grew agitated after fielding questions on issues that have dogged his campaign of late, including last week’s overblown NAFTA flap and his relationship with Chicago real estate developer Antoin Rezko. Obama kept his composure for most of the interview, but he slipped as the questions turned toward whether he’s benefited from soft media scrutiny. From there the interview degenerated quickly, as you can see from the transcript below. We pick it up where Obama lets go of the wheel.

-----------------------

Good Morning Allentown: There’s been a lot of emphasis on fairness in media coverage recently. In particular, Senator Clinton and her supporters have repeatedly suggested that media coverage of her campaign has been much tougher. What do you make of these claims? Do you think they may have helped turn the tide against you given the results of the March 4 primaries?

Obama [under his breath]: Another day, another moron.

GMA: Excuse me?

Obama: I said, “you’re so brilliant.”

GMA: I’m not sure that’s what I heard, Senator.

Obama: Are you sure you don’t hear Russert whispering in your ear?

GMA: I don’t follow that.

Obama: Of course not, and that’s fine. I expect this now. I mean, we’ve been at this for a year and you guys are a dime a dozen.

GMA: “You guys?”

Obama: Your comprehension skills are stunning today. Did your producer pick up on that? Did you get a compliment?

GMA: Senator, I think I asked a fair question.

Obama: And fair can be stupid. Like that jacket you’re wearing. Who picked that out for you? It wasn’t Michelle; I know that much. Jesus, she’d smack my ass if I wore something that desperate.

GMA: I’m just trying to find out…

Obama [mocking]: I’m just trying to find out…

GMA: Senator, I’m just asking a basic question about whether your campaign…

Obama: Yeah, yeah, the whole operation is set to crumble now that Her Highness is playing the victim again. Ooooo! I’m shaking! Howard Wolfson thinks I make french toast and crumpets for Ken Starr! Our whole campaign is gonna implode! The donors are abandoning us and we’ll only pull in 50 million this month!

GMA: So you’re denying that your campaign strategists are inspired by Ken Starr?

Obama: You’re not following me at all, so let me make it clear: I’m saying that your mother paid the kids on your block to be friends with you.

GMA: Help me understand how your attitude reflects the themes of your campaign.

Obama: Swish! Another cup of Cha-Ching from Professor Murrow!

GMA: I’m still waiting to find out whether you feel the media’s been unfair to Senator Clinton.

Obama: Well, you’re gonna to have to endure, because I still haven’t figured out how I get out of bed every morning to face the barrage of mind-numbing blabber you idiots dish out hour after hour, day after day, week after week with no end in sight. The bombs will have gone off and the country will be piles of plastic and bricks, but somewhere under the rubble a TV will be gurgling with your nonsense. Here’s another sopping pile of drivel for our viewers, Frank! Let’s turn to our crack panel for some slaver-soaked second-hand blog-o-nalysis! And make sure to tune in for the seventh hour, ‘cause Donny Dumbnuts has tips on how to scrape frost off a windshield!

GMA: Are you finished?

Obama: By the way, Frank, big news on the campaign trail this morning! Critics of Senator Barack Obama are pretty sure he throws up a little every time he hears the Pledge of Allegiance. We’ll hit the streets for reactions from a few dumbasses.

GMA: Nice. Do you want points for delivery?

Obama: Get bent.

GMA: Are you getting worried?

Obama: About whether your program can sustain itself against its competitors? Oh, yes. I’ve been losing sleep.

GMA: About how your chances of winning the nomination are in jeopardy. About all the things that could happen between now and April 22. About whether Senator Clinton’s plan to make out with John McCain for the next few months will knock you off balance. About what her strategy could cost Democrats in the long run.

Obama: You know, I think Mrs. Clinton will be in Harrisburg tomorrow if you want to give her a hug.

GMA: So fairness in media coverage is on your mind after all.

Obama: I’m just saying it’s fair if you have a crush on her.

GMA: Will it be fair if Florida and Michigan hold new elections?

Obama: You’re pushing it.

GMA: Senator Clinton has said she just wants the voters of Florida and Michigan to be heard.

Obama: I’m warning you.

GMA: Are you subverting the democratic process by not supporting her appeal?

Obama: We’re done here.

GMA: Senator, I think our viewers deserve to know whether you respect their votes.

Obama [detaching microphone from blazer, standing up]: Thanks for the chat. I think your lapel pin is snazzy.

Wednesday News Round-Up

2008-02-20T16:03:00.003-08:00

I’ve been a lazy editor. I admit it. I’d planned to work on stories this past weekend with our crack staff, but I canceled a scheduled conference call and went out for burgers and beer. Pints of creamy Guinness on a sunny Saturday afternoon proved too tempting. Besides, my motivation was zapped—the night before one of our reporters got lit and called me from the bar to accuse me of having an “obviously sexist and irrational anti-Clinton obsession.” It was an ugly conversation in which he threatened to quit unless I “come clean and admit” that I’ve been “indoctrinated by liberal media fascists” who long to report on a Clinton collapse rather than “the plain facts piggy editors have always ignored.” Lucky for me, I had also been drinking and knew enough to put the phone down and let him scream himself to sleep.

We patched things up today but didn’t feel much like collaborating on a good scoop. Instead, we spent the morning scouring the Internets and selecting the day’s best stories. Enjoy.

Although not yet picked up by major media outlets, a few blogs are reporting that John McCain’s liberal use of the word “comeback” is irritating family, friends, campaign staff, Senate colleagues, reporters assigned to his campaign, constituents in Arizona, hotel employees within ear shot, and his bus driver. Said one staffer, “It’s so bad I’m pining for the days when the word ‘maverick’ made me want to light myself on fire.”
A month-long investigation by Lou Dobbs has revealed that undocumented immigrants routinely breathe air and possess their own opinions. Dobbs claims that media silence over this outrage is proof that corporate media puppeteers are sluts for amnesty. Once again, prize-worthy reporting from the Dobbs shop.
The New York Times reported today that Wisconsin and Hawaii have been added to the list of states the Clinton campaign doesn’t count.
President Bush apparently sat down with Tucker Carlson for a relaxed interview that will air in a few weeks. The interview is said to focus mainly on policy matters related to the President’s final year in office, but also included is candid discussion of his favorite torture techniques. Sources who’ve seen the interview tell us Bush is a big fan of stress positions, which he thinks are more effective than glitzy headline grabbers like waterboarding and sleep deprivation.
Yes, the Navy is going to shoot a satellite out of orbit using missiles that cost $10 million a pop. Starting tomorrow.
Several media outlets ran reports covering Barack Obama’s speech in Houston last night, wherein he promised that every American can enjoy their favorite flavor of ice cream any time they want. Senator Obama explained to an arena full of energized supporters that if Americans are ready for a new kind of politics, they should expect toppings to include sprinkles, hot fudge, peanut butter sauce, whipped cream, graham crackers, nuts, cherries, M&Ms, Reese’s Pieces, chocolate shavings, chocolate chips, gummy bears, chocolate-covered gummy bears, Oreo cookies, bananas, marshmallow cream, brownie bits, and those awesome little pieces of Heath bar.
NPR ran a piece yesterday that made us wish we had Karl Rove’s weight in 100 dollar bills.
If you’re not doing anything in July, Religious Right organizations announced today that they plan to hold their annual Hate and Shame Summit in Colorado Springs. Jointly organized by God Fearing Families and 500 Men Who Subjugate Women, participants can expect a fun-filled week of xenophobia, religious extremism, narrowly defined patriotism, and games for the kids. Intensive workshops will include “Traditional Gender Role Reinforcement,” “Defending Creationism at the Grocery Store,” and “Stop, Drop, and Roll: Strategies for the Culture War.” If this sounds like a lot of work, relax! Participants unwind every evening with movies, campfires, ice cream socials, psychological hazing, karaoke, and square dancing.
Lastly, we have no idea what’s going on in Mike Huckabee’s latest campaign commercial:

What You Cannot Expect on Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

Super Tuesday is a bit lame for a lot of reasons. Suffering from inescapable dread over the coming wave of media coverage, we found ourselves wondering what it would look like if that crack political squad on CNN suddenly engaged in a spontaneous orgy. Would they become more appealing? Less appealing?

Here are a few other things you can’t expect tonight:

Mitt Romney to talk at length about Battlefield Earth, his favorite novel.
Free hits of Orange Sunshine for any voter who participates in exit polling.
Admission from Mike Huckabee that his political kinship with Chuck Norris has “evolved into passionate and frequent lovemaking for Christ.”
Dick Cheney to shoot someone else in the face.
Live interviews with John Edwards from the squash court in his home—the likes of which most people in both Americas can’t afford.
Karl Rove to tell his Fox News colleagues that Barack Obama has been successful because “the media has been very desirous that a Black quarterback can do well.”
Clinton campaign to change its motto to “Embracing Dynasty on Day One!”
John McCain to dance bare-chested to Mama Said Knock You Out.
Ralph Nader to give up on any future presidential run after realizing his motivations may be rooted in colossal vanity.
Barack Obama to promise that he will “bring Americans of all backgrounds together to drink the pain away.”

Bill Clinton Decks Reporter for Insubordination

2008-01-25T15:12:00.000-08:00

News Station Begs Former President for Forgiveness, Promises Full Compliance

Greenville, SC—Former president Bill Clinton cleaned a reporter’s clock today moments after appearing at a Hillary Clinton campaign rally. Reacting to a question he presumably thought was insufficiently obedient, Mr. Clinton coolly delivered a devastating right hook that sent the offending reporter crashing to the floor in a puddle of shame.

“Oops, looks like Mr. Kent is going to miss his filing deadline,” Clinton quipped before walking away, stopping briefly to ask an Associated Press cameraman if he wanted “a piece of what Clark got.”

The encounter occurred as Mr. Clinton exited the stage and was on his way out of the auditorium. As Clinton passed a group of journalists, News Channel 12 reporter Sean Hampton asked why Hillary Clinton was not campaigning in South Carolina this week. Mr. Clinton instantly turned with a grin and threw his punch, finishing Mr. Hampton in the blink of an eye.

Mr. Clinton’s right hook was surprising to onlookers since the former president is a lefty. But even more surprising was that the blow was not accompanied by the degrading follow-up punches Mr. Clinton typically unleashes on semiconscious opponents.

Within minutes of Mr. Hampton hitting the ground, the reporter’s employers issued a full apology to Mr. Clinton and promised acceptable behavior in the future.

“News Channel 12 regrets the actions of Sean Hampton, a know-it-all hack we’ve never liked anyway,” the statement read. “Although we take responsibility for Mr. Hampton’s insolence, the fact is he acted on his own without our knowledge. We guarantee that the Clintons will never again have reason to doubt the sincerity of News Channel 12. Mr. President, Sir, Great One, we humbly submit our most sincere apologies and pray you can forgive us. Thank you for not traveling to our studios to pummel every last one of us.”

As of this writing Hillary Clinton’s campaign has made no official statement regarding today’s incident. Mr. Clinton was reachable for comment virtually all day, but no journalist would go near him. Clinton followed his appearance in Greenville with a stop in Columbia, where he rallied supporters and referred to Barack Obama as a “talented politician who has triumphed over his crime-filled past.”

Clinton Campaign Imitates Parody

2008-01-12T06:32:00.000-08:00

Actual quote from a Clinton advisor: “If you have a social need, you’re with Hillary. If you want Obama to be your imaginary hip black friend and you’re young and you have no social needs, then he’s cool.”

Clinton Takes New Hampshire, Drops Plan to Penalize Americans for Iowa Loss

2008-01-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

Manchester, NH—Hillary Clinton’s impressive upset victory over Barack Obama in yesterday’s New Hampshire presidential primary has revitalized her campaign and spared millions of Americans from harm, according to anonymous Clinton strategists. The win not only keeps Mrs. Clinton in the race, but it negates her plan to ruthlessly punish Americans for jeopardizing her right to the Democratic nomination.

“Thank you, New Hampshire,” Clinton exclaimed as a crowd of supporters erupted in applause. “Thank you for proving the polls wrong and showing America how to follow orders.”

“Because of you,” continued Clinton, “we’re going to take our fight to the rest of the nation. We’re in this for the long run. And if Americans who know what’s good for them follow your lead, we’ll reshape the presidency into a private club occupied by two power families. We’ll make sure that partisanship and hopeful divisiveness continue to thrive.”

Clinton did not mention the penalties she is thought to have planned for Americans following her embarrassment in Iowa. However, insiders suggest that New Hampshire’s registered Democrats saved the country from a nightmare so relentless we would wish we were never born.

Making the most of her first victory speech, Clinton promised to continue running a strong campaign up to and after her mandatory coronation at this year’s Democratic convention.

“I pledge to you, the good and compliant voters of New Hampshire, to make sure my inspiring message is heard everywhere,” said Clinton. “I pledge a tone so overwhelmingly positive that the insubordinate misogynists in Iowa will weep for weeks over their grave folly. You see, my strongest opponent may have lines of supporters a mile long everywhere he speaks, and he may have lines of warm and fuzzy rhetoric for foolhardy voters who like to play with fire, and he may have lines of another kind up the nose of his past, but we all know you need more than that to be an effective president. Thank you, New Hampshire, and thank you, America. I’m glad we understand each other.”

Letters: What's On Your Minds, Kids?

2007-12-14T16:16:00.001-08:00

Dear Spank,
Why is Hillary Clinton so horrible?

Ollie
Mt. Judge, PA

Ollie,
From everything I’ve read, it’s incredibly difficult to program androids to mimic complex human qualities, such as sincerity. Throughout this tiresome campaign season I’ve come to realize that a lot of what puts people off about Hillary is related to the limits of robotology, if you will. I think that when one thinks of Clinton in these realistic terms, she’s rather impressive.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but perhaps you should pick on someone from your own species.

Spank

***************

Hi Spank,
Why is Mitt Romney so horrible?

Jill
Hartford, CT

Jill,
Great question, and it’s one that’s been puzzling me too. I don’t want to be cruel and automatically point out that Mormonism is on the unflattering side of insanity, but I admit it’s hard not to factor in the notion that his religion was founded by a serial rapist, or that his church didn’t realize Black people existed until a few weeks ago. Besides, we can go on all day about religion and get nowhere. So what if Romney’s much-publicized speech last week simultaneously watered down the beliefs of dominant religions while overstating their similarities with Mormonism? So what if he effectively implied that people of no religion have no place in American society? Why does that matter?

Some people might say, what about the fact that Romney is perhaps the biggest flip-flopper in the Republican field? They might also say, why aren’t more conservatives appalled by the searing irony in Romney’s scolding GOP rivals about their conservative values? Some might continue, shouldn’t voters be concerned that Romney says he wants to run the country like a business after having made his fortune as a corporate tyrant? Some might also inquire, is it true that on family car trips he used to put his dog in a pet carrier strapped to the top of the car, and that said dog got so frightened during one trip that he defecated all over the vehicle? Some people might ask, why does he have such a fetish for Guantanamo Bay? Does anyone else get the sense that he actually supports torture? And how does that square with his faith? What would his dog say?

But I don’t know, Jill. I guess I’m stumped.

Spank

***************

Dear Spank,
Why is Barack Obama so horrible?

Harry
Brewer, PA

Dear Harry,
He’s not.

Spank

***************

Dear Spank,
Do you think Rudolph Giuliani will ever stop being horrible?

Mim
Los Angeles, CA

Mim,
I get it. You’re one of those hippie dreamers flogging away on a bongo and smoking dope because you can’t get a job. You think freedom and prosperity happens without sacrificing personal liberties bit by bit, or submitting to the authoritarian tendencies of an egomaniac who married his second cousin in 1968 when your boomer parents were doing what you’re doing now on better acid. You think habeas corpus should apply to terrorists or innocent victims erroneously accused of terrorist activity by their heartless neighbors for CIA cash.

Just stop it, Mim. Grow up. You want a safer America? Have the stomach for a bombed-out Iran. You want a solution to the culture wars? Summon an ounce of pride and support the GOP candidate who’s been married three times and wears dresses while using NYC taxpayer dollars in support of his romantic conquests. You want an efficient White House? Stand up for the only candidate who had the guts to ask Bush to nominate Bernard Kerik for the post of Secretary of Homeland Security, a man who could potentially be convicted of crimes worth a maximum of 150 years in jail. That’s leadership, Mim. That’s toughness, and it’s what America needs. Get with the program.

Take care of yourself,
Spank

Huckabee Finds Strength in His Faith, Hatred of Gays

2007-12-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is on the rise. Despite lagging badly in polls since launching his campaign, the former Arkansas Governor and evangelical minister suddenly has political analysts contemplating whether he may yet become the candidate of choice for America’s conservative Christian voters.

While it’s obvious Huckabee’s struggle to get to this point has not been easy, the candidate isn’t surprised by his increasing popularity. And he’s not the only one. Ask any of Huckabee’s aides and they’ll immediately credit him with an inspirational strength deeply rooted in Christian faith and hatred of gay people.

“With Mike you have a tireless, driven candidate who continually draws strength from two key areas,” one advisor would have said if we’d asked. “First, he approaches most political issues from a religious standpoint that harmonizes with his deep faith in God, Jesus Christ, and all of the benevolent teachings in Christianity. Second, he just hates the gays.”

Such convictions are evident in Huckabee’s stances on key issues, even though he occasionally draws the ire of Republican voters. For example, although he opposed the so-called “amnesty bill” that failed in June, Huckabee supports the provision of basic health services to illegal immigrants, instead of just letting them rot or whatever. Additionally, Huckabee’s stance on energy policy is often viewed as too green when compared to his GOP rivals, a posture the candidate attributes to a holy obligation to protect the environment.

Perhaps not as surprising, Huckabee’s positions on notable social issues include opposition to abortion, strong support for traditional marriage, and a steadfast interest in restricting liberty and human dignity for all homosexuals.

“And that’s what keeps me going when I’m feeling down,” Huckabee might say if you got him half drunk. “Knowing I have to guard against them. The way they strut and make a mockery. As if they’re entitled to it, you know? You see, the way I see it is we have two wars: There’s the war in the Middle East against the Islamics, the war against the gays, and the war against Christ, or I mean the war for Christ. For our Lord Jesus.”

“Seriously, I can stop it. All this decadence, I mean,” Huckabee might continue if you got him undeniably shit-faced. “It’s like they’re trying to cram it down your throat, if you know what I mean. But not that way. Not the way you think. Oh, stop laughing. Not the way you think, you little punk errand boy for the PC army of Massachusetts. You Hillary supporter. Oh, don’t shake your head. Don’t deny it. Don’t try to pretend like you know I won’t demolish her in the general erection. Don’t placate me, boy!”

“It’s because Jesus is the one gives me my strength,” slurs Huckabee, now that you’ve gotten him so trashed that his eyes are barely open and he’s about to pass out. “And that’s because I am a child of his Father, the Lord on the right hand, because the left is the wrong hand. You notice that in the scriptures, did’ncha punk? Stupid little lefty media whore. Jesus sits hisself at the right hand of the Lord. Right. Now watch my hand. Watch this hand…my hand. Look at my hand, I said. Goddamn it. Look at the hand of the Lord. You will know me and his name when we make it right by a damn sight, you will. Bet your ass. Unless you’re some kinda queer.”

CBS Decision 2008 Poll: Feces-Throwing Chimpanzee Gaining Popularity Among Undecided Voters

2007-11-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

New York, NY--Move over, Hillary. Step aside, Rudy. With less than three months before the first ballots are cast in the 2008 presidential election, a new CBS News/Rasmussen poll shows that a growing number of undecided voters are leaning toward JoJo, a feces-throwing chimpanzee.

Rocketing to fame thanks to a popular YouTube video, JoJo is an undeclared presidential contender whose single goal is to cover the nation’s highest office with more crap. The CBS poll is the first to show that JoJo’s message is hitting home with a crucial demographic.

Noah Heller, an Iowa farmer and registered Independent for the last 32 years, summed up the feelings of many JoJo supporters, “You’re damn right I like JoJo. I ain’t ashamed. Hell, the other candidates shit on us anyway. At least you can put a funny hat on the monkey.”

“And I’ll tell you what,” continued Heller, “if you get a president who can do that in front of that Bin Laden, you’ll sure as Shinola get his attention.”

As for the declared presidential candidates, none would comment on JoJo’s rising fame. White House officials, however, jumped at the opportunity to spotlight reeking feces from a source other than themselves.

In today’s press briefing, spokesperson Dana Perino signaled that the President is open to JoJo’s idea. “This White House is interested in any candidate who can carry out the President’s legacy of spreading democracy,” said Perino. “Why automatically exclude a chimp with shit-caked hands?”

Whether JoJo intends to officially enter the presidential race remains a mystery. He has said nothing, and handlers admit his enthusiasm for the campaign is sporadic. When reached for comment yesterday, JoJo jumped around for a while under a homemade banner that said, “Vote for Crap.” He appeared to be happy, and then he threw feces.

--------------------------
Reported by Chuck Mickelson

File Under Living Legend

2007-11-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

Time for a pleasant distraction.

A couple of ATLS staffers had a chance to catch a great show last night. Almost 50, and the dude still rocks. Turn it up.

Hannah Montana’s Anti-War Ballad Divides Audiences, Disrupts Concerts

2007-10-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

Cleveland, OH--Hannah Montana’s new anti-war ballad, “War Turns My Smile Upside Down,” is causing a stir among those attending the teen pop star’s packed performances. The song, a pretty lame reflection on the nature of modern warfare that includes such lines as, “and I think / I don’t like war / very much / ‘cause it is bad,” is giving rise to a rare occurrence at teen concerts: loud choruses of hisses and boos, which are then rejoined by equally loud cheers and applause.

At last night’s sold-out show in Cleveland, response to the song was loud enough to momentarily drown out the music. Determined, Montana soldiered on to finish the song and the rest of her set.

Backstage, before disappearing with her entourage, Montana expressed frustration at the growing dissent among her audiences. “I just think war is bad for people,” she said moments after battling through her performance. “I don’t understand why so many people are upset about it.”

In that case, Ms. Montana might want to talk with 9-year-old Kelsey Worthington.

“I don’t come to Hannah Montana shows so she can proselytize for the misguided, radical left,” complained Worthington, who attended last night’s show and booed loudly as soon as Montana began singing the controversial song. “If she wants to pretend she’s a teen star with integrity while she bids for the powerful liberal factions that effectively devastated popular support for a just war against Islamofascism, that’s fine. But it’s presumptuous of her to expect my applause.”

Kelsey’s mother, Claire, agreed.

“It’s a concert for kids,” sighed the elder Worthington. “I didn’t pay $2,800 on eBay so my family could hear a bunch of crap about peace and love and kissing trees or whatever. I don’t want my kids exposed to that bile at such an impressionable age.”

In contrast to Montana’s detractors, however, many in the crowd support the singer despite the worthlessness of the song.

Maggie Bettenlurk, an 11-year-old and self-proclaimed “Montaniac,” mocked the singer’s attempt to address a serious issue within the teen-pop genre, but expressed displeasure with the negative reactions of some fans.

“The song is naïve dribble, and we all know it,” said Bettenlurk, who stood just rows behind the Worthington family and cheered the entire show. “But that’s no justification for rude behavior that should be left to the low-life that populate Wiggles’ shows. The rest of Hannah’s performance was exceptional.”

The stark division among Montana’s fans was evident well after the house lights came on and her Ohio-area fans filed out of the aisles to go home.

“Hannah Surrender,” jeered Todd McFallon, an energetic 8-year-old who seemed to be lobbing his remarks more at his little sister, Eve, than at the singer.

Eve, a devout fan proudly clutching her brand new Hannah Montana t-shirt, came to the singer’s defense without batting an eye.

“Your immaturity is as towering a force as it’s ever been,” Eve shot back. “I guess mom can take the rubber sheets off your bed since you won’t be urinating in your sleep anymore, eh? Did you hear that, mother? Todd has emerged victorious from his long slog with bedwetting! What a proud day for him! Let’s go get a big carafe of cranberry juice and celebrate on the veranda!”

“Hannah Hate Freedom,” said Todd.

“I swear to Christ, shut your mouth,” growled Eve.

“Han-Against-Us Montana.”

“You know, it’s fascinating how your mouth leaks piss just like your bladder.”

“Montana and Fonda sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

“Get out the disinfectant wipes, mother! It’s a gusher!”

“Hann-emy of the State,” cracked Todd.

Eve picked up an empty beer bottle from the sidewalk. “Mother, let’s make sure Todd has something to urinate in before we get out of the parking lot.”

“Hann-a Salam a Lakem,” laughed Todd as the bottle rocketed past his face.

Programming Note

2007-10-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Our regular reader knows it’s not like us to plug television programs, but we’ve been flat mesmerized this week by Lou Dobbs. He’s doing a great series on how Illegals have hatched a widespread conspiracy to sexually assault immunocompromised Americans wherever they can be found. Tonight he’ll be reporting on how some of these damned Illegals formed splinter groups in New York to con Governor Eliot Spitzer into giving them driver’s licenses. What are they going to do with the licenses? Trade them on the black market for crack so it can be force-fed to orphans.

The series, titled ILLEGALS! ILLEGALS! ILLEGALS! ILLEGALS!, is an astonishing work of journalism that’s worth the attention of every American. Hats off to Lou Dobbs for his invaluable service.

Study Finds More Than Half of Bush/Cheney ’04 Voters Don’t Admit It

2007-10-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia, PA--More than half of the Americans who voted for George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in the 2004 general elections do not admit to doing so, according to a study by the Institute for Basic Political Research. The report finds a startling lack of memory and disorientation among nearly 63 percent of Bush voters who are reminded of the last presidential election.

The findings are part of a study on the declining levels of support Americans have had for the Bush administration since the president won reelection. A team led by Dr. Ann Baxter interviewed voters who in a 2005 study had identified themselves as voting for Bush/Cheney in the last election.

For the study, researchers had planned to ask a series of questions on how current events such as the war in Iraq related to participants’ opinions of the president. However, it became clear early on that those questions would baffle participants who disputed casting a vote for Bush.

“We weren’t prepared for that,” admits Dr. Baxter. “Yet there our subjects were, again and again, providing information contrary to what they provided in 2005.”

Many such participants simply claimed they did not vote in 2004. In an interview similar to dozens of others, one participant claimed to have stayed home on election day 2004 despite self-identifying as a “two-time Bush voter” in 2005. When asked what he did that day, the participant said, “mowed the lawn.” When researchers asked where he mowed grass if he resides in a 5th-floor apartment, the participant changed his answer to, “Vacuuming. Lots of vacuuming that day.” Pressed a second time for clarification, the man said, “I would like some french fries.”

If that interview surprised researchers, it was only the beginning. Ten subjects insisted they cast a vote for former President Ronald Reagan, seven claimed they were hospitalized on election day, and six have no recollection whatsoever of November 2, 2004.

“A few of the participants were confused during the entire interview,” said Baxter. “There were the Reagan voters and such, who were plenty loony in their own right, but there were also people who were disoriented as soon as the interview began.”

“One person just blanked when asked which presidential ticket he voted for in the last election,” continued Baxter. “The poor guy was just so confused and told us, ‘I voted for Bush over Gore.’ Our interviewer then clarified and asked about Bush versus Kerry, which caused the man to blanch and go quiet for a while. Later he asked, ‘What year is this?’”

While some study participants were confused, others were dangerous. At least four participants grew belligerent and violent with members of Dr. Baxter’s team. Recalling such an incident, one investigator said, “I could tell the subject was agitated, since he responded to the first question by spitting at me and saying, ‘This is all a pack of lies.’”

“I admit, that interview was intriguing for a while,” said the researcher. “I felt like a detective undertaking a criminal interrogation--like something out of Law & Order--until the subject jumped over the table and started clobbering my face.”

That participant was later arrested and charged with assault.

So what do participants say they were doing on November 2, 2004 if they were not voting for President Bush? Cleaning out the gutters, alleged one Bush voter. Dusting the family National Geographic collection, claimed another. Still others said they were working overtime, gardening, busy taking care of the kids, ministering to prostitutes, delving into home-improvement projects, taking out the garbage, attending Bible study, and eating peyote.

Baxter says it is difficult to know exactly what has caused this phenomenon. But she speculates it likely has its origins in the same issues that have dogged President Bush’s approval ratings.

“I’m guessing a follow-up study with hypnosis will point to dissatisfaction with the war,” suggested Baxter. “Or the fact that as a conservative president he’s dramatically increased spending while expanding the size of the federal government, or the way his relationship to the religious right has compromised the Republicans’ chances of retaining the White House in 2008, or that his job performance may hand the presidency to Hillary Clinton, or his proposal to turn July into National Torture Month, or that he vetoes a few billion dollars for childrens’ health insurance while the Iraq tab inches toward one trillion, or how he put his hands all over German Chancellor Angela Merkel that one time, or how when he talks unscripted he sounds like an 8th-grader who didn’t do his homework. You know, something like that.”

MoveOn.org Wants to Hold Hands With Ahmadinejad

2007-09-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

Portland, OR—In a bizarre announcement today, irrelevant left-wing activist organization MoveOn.org said it plans to hold hands with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. A spokesman for the group stated that hand-holding with the outspoken leader will commence whenever and wherever the group first encounters him. A rationale for the idea was not revealed.

“Our hands will be together and our fingers interlocked,” stated a blushing Eli Pariser, Executive Director of Political Action at MoveOn. “It will be a special time for MoveOn and Mr. Ahmadinejad as we move toward first base together, and maybe second.”

“Unless hand-holding is considered first base,” Pariser continued. “Is first base kissing? To be honest we’ve never understood which base means what—especially third.”

Ahmadinejad, whose visit to the United States this week sparked controversy, did not respond to MoveOn’s cocksure prediction of impending romantic contact. Instead, the Iranian President was busy receiving absurd amounts of attention, as politicians, public officials, and others within the U.S. stoked the image of Ahmadinejad as America’s top enemy.

Speaking briefly with reporters, Ahmadinejad thanked Americans for embarrassing themselves so thoroughly.

“Really, this has been wonderful,” said Ahmadinejad. “I knew I would attract a few cameras, but never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be refused access to Ground Zero. And yet you came through. Your show of principles is truly impressive. Thanks again.”

Although Ahmadinejad did not mention MoveOn’s peculiar public advances, media experts say the possibility that the two will make out is as real as ever.

The MoveOn announcement marks the second time in weeks the organization has baited media attention. In early September MoveOn grabbed headlines for an advertisement that attacked General David Petraeus, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq. In that ad, MoveOn rhymed the general’s last name with the words “betray us” because that’s the best they could come up with.

Brilliantly, the MoveOn ad brought loads of scorn to the anti-war left, provided months’ worth of fodder for media blowhards, and earned an official admonishment from Congress. Whether MoveOn’s latest move will hit similar heights is unknown, but it’s clear that’s what the organization is hoping for.

Said Pariser, “Any day we distract Americans from what’s important and shine a light on ourselves is a good day.”

-------------------------------------------
Reported by Spank Mickelson with thanks to his editors.

New Bin Laden Video Was Panned by American Test Audiences

2007-09-07T14:54:00.000-07:00

Majority of Viewers Wanted More T&A, Drunken Co-Eds

Washington, DC—Osama Bin Laden’s new propaganda video received an apathetic response from a majority of American test audiences as recently as one month ago. According to sources within the film industry, Bin Laden’s latest project left audiences wondering where all the titties be at.

“In a nutshell, the resounding response was, ‘BORING! Where’s all the hot ass?’” said Tim Ruckenmeyer, head of a specialized marketing firm that previewed Bin Laden’s film with a representative sample of American viewers.

“Most of the people invited to this screening were put off by the total lack of drunken 20-year-old blondes making out at beach parties,” Ruckenmeyer explained. “I can’t tell you how many of our questionnaires came back with requests for wet nipple licking, spanking, and bikini beer-bonging contests.”

Mr. Ruckenmeyer supported his assessment by furnishing a selection of written responses from the test audiences. Nearly every person who completed a questionnaire inquired about the absence of bare breasts and sweat-glistening girls grinding their bodies together like lesbians. One typical response simply noted, “No girls Dumb ass!”

Experts in film and propaganda say these results indicate Bin Laden’s video will not be successful.

“Sometimes a single flaw can ruin a filmmaker’s message,” noted Susan Mailer, a political scientist and film historian with the University of Colorado. “That’s definitely what happened here. Bin Laden’s pledge to deliver catastrophic suffering to as many Americans as possible would have been a lot more effective if delivered by a topless Maxim model eating a bowl of fresh cherries. Without that, his film’s raison d’etre all but vanishes.”

Indeed, none of the questionnaires shared by Ruckenmeyer mentioned the obvious political motivations driving Bin Laden’s new release. Not one response referred to the struggle between Bin Laden and the West, any concept related to holy war, or even the attacks of September 11.

However, not all test audiences were in the dark with regard to the film’s intentions. Previews with members of the federal government and the media did not garner the same responses. Ruckenmeyer provides special screenings to VIP audiences so they have time to strategize on how best to scare Americans once the film is released. This latest Bin Laden project struck familiar chords with these elite viewers, who promised in their questionnaires to contextualize the video’s message in a manner average Americans will find entirely useless.

As to the more substantive concerns raised by most audiences, Mailer was certain the final cut would be void of decent T&A.

“I’m no fortune teller, but nothing Bin Laden’s done previously made me think this film would be attractive to a general American audience. He hasn’t yet grasped that his beard is as alluring as a bag full of slugs, so this release is just more of the same old sexless crap.”

We're Taking the Month Off

2007-08-19T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well, obviously, given that we haven't made a peep recently. Our offices are moving this month and we're just not able to kick out the jams right now. See you in September.

Cheney Set to Release Best-Of Album

2007-07-31T18:22:00.000-07:00

What better cure for the dog days of summer than the music of Dick Cheney? We were overjoyed this morning to discover the track list for Cheney: Best, the reclusive Veep’s greatest hits collection that hits stores next week.

The good news? Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney, Dick Cheney. The bad news? It’s not the double album of rarities and b-sides that anxious fans had hoped for. No limited edition, no video-enhanced tracks on iTunes, no frills. You’ll just have to make due with two measly bonus tracks. In any case, here are the songs you’ll find on Best:

Last Throes (Intro)
I Hate You
I’m the Man in the Yellow Hat
Wives and Daughters and Their Wives
Scooter Was a Friend of Mine
You Can’t Do Anything About It
Everybody Hurts (From Live at Gitmo)
Done Shot My Buddy
911 Is Not a Joke
Jumpstart My Heart
Joe Wilson and Wolf Blitzer Are Lovers; I Know This Is a Fact So Shut Up
I (Don’t) Love Paris
Sabotage
Have You Seen Osama, Baby, Standing in the Shadow?
I Feel Pretty (Previously Unreleased)
I Am the Wind Beneath My Wings (Previously Unreleased)

John McCain Has 12 Things To Do Today

2007-07-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

Wake from a nightmare to start another day reviving presidential campaign, also a nightmare.
Breakfast leisurely while caught in a moment of self pity. What’s the point in wolfing down another crumpet? Why can’t a morning cup of juice be more enjoyable? Obama isn’t so special, is he? Why must everything be so unfair?
Arrive at the office late, noticeably disheveled. Instruct advisors to call Jon Stewart again; command that this be done every day until another appearance on The Daily Show is secured. Remain oblivious to unmistakable silence when insisting, “I’m a big hit with the younger generation. They love me.”
Sit at desk and pretend to work while staring at a picture of the President, a shot taken during the 2004 campaign. Have trouble tearing gaze away from the stupid grin on his stupid face.
Call the President and congratulate him for standing firm against the increasingly loud calls for withdraw. Compliment his thoughtful language, his courage, his strength of will.
Review latest poll numbers. Whip coffee mug at low-level staffer during an abrupt fit of rage, screaming, “That fucking Mormon? Are you joking?”
Return to desk to regroup. Take deep breaths. It was a good idea to make peace with Falwell; that was the best way to shore up support from the base. Walk to restroom and dry heave for several minutes.
Skip lunch. It doesn’t matter. Roll up sleeves and try to figure out what’s gone wrong. It can’t be the well-established efforts to reform campaign finance law, it can’t be firmly stated disapproval of harsh interrogation techniques, it can’t be the Straight Talk Express, it can’t be the Gang of 8, it can’t be the veteran angle. What, then? What is it?
Spend afternoon detailing latest trip to Iraq with remaining staff and any aides that have yet to quit. Show pictures proudly, pontificate about the significance of the struggle, outline a strategy for success, trail off in silence. Sigh.
Walk to restroom and lock door. Stand in front of mirror and shout, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut your filthy mouth! I told you to lay off, now shut your trap!”
Pick up a random office phone and dial Rove’s number. Hang up.
Wander out the door as evening approaches. Don’t bother telling staff, don’t bother looking over the campaign’s travel schedule--can’t afford gas for the Express anyway. Buy a pair of hot dogs from a street vendor and smother them in mustard. Who says retirement is boring? I bet I’d be around for more sunsets. Maybe move to Florida and take up fishing. I like hot dogs. I really do.

Letters: Your Questions Answered

2007-06-28T17:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Spank,
How’s everything going?

Max
Boston, MA

Dear Max,
Everything’s going great.

Spank

***************

Hey,
You guys don’t seem to be doing a lot of reporting lately. What’s up?

Cleo
Bar Harbor, ME

Hi Cleo,
Funny story. I was on what I thought was an enjoyable bender a couple weeks ago when I started having paranoid delusions. It seems I thought Rupert Murdoch was plotting to buy us out and fill the site with wacky, talk radio-inspired anti-immigration propaganda. So I fired everybody. I don’t really know why, and I don’t remember any of it. What I do remember about that day is kind of beautiful: lying on the floor, eating Cheese Puffys, and watching Tom and Jerry. Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I showed up at an empty office the next day to wade through a load of nasty e-mails from staffers, each of them threatening to expose all sorts of my myriad indiscretions.

Long story short is that I patched it up with everyone, but the incident put a damper on the newsroom. It can now be said that we have “trust issues.”

With abundant love,
Spank

***************

Spank,
So where do you stand with regard to Hillary Clinton?

Winston
Washington, DC

Winston,
I stand at the back of a crowded and oppressively hot auditorium while her horrifying voice blares through the PA system. After weaving my way through her army of supporters I’m overjoyed to find a pair of exit doors, but distressed to find them locked. I struggle with the handles and try not to attract attention, but before I know it I’m slamming my body against the doors, shoulder first. A few onlookers grow annoyed at my ruckus, and a moment later two black-clad security guards take hold of my arms--one of the guards advising, “This way, sir. Calm down.”

The guards don’t threaten or manhandle me, they just deposit me in the middle of the crowd and command me to stay put. Meanwhile, I’m sweating buckets. Hillary is honking on about how the Iraqi government has failed miserably, but I’m feeling like I’ve swallowed hallucinogenics. I’m not normally claustrophobic, and maybe it’s just the beer, but I’m having a hard time tamping down a sense of panic.

I decide I’ve got no choice but to make another break for it. I duck down and move swiftly to my left, almost weeping at the sight of an open door along the side wall. I dart through the doorway and think I’m mere steps from fresh air and freedom. Then I realize I’ve just escaped to a darkened coat closet. I lie down in the fetal position and try not to punch myself in the face.

Hope that clears things up.

Spank

***************

Mr. Mickelson,
This letter is to inform you that your BMG account has been suspended. Despite repeated attempts to contact you regarding nonpayment for your initial order and your subsequent failure to uphold the Terms and Conditions Agreement you signed in March, we have no choice but to report this matter to appropriate authorities.

Morla Truman, Sr. BMG Accounts Officer
Boring, IN

Morla,
Stop stalking me. Stop writing to me. Stop threatening me. I explained this to you when you called the first time but you still don’t get it: “15 FREE CDs” equals SPANK DOES NOT HAVE TO PAY. For the last time, I am not calling you about this and I am never going out with you. It’s not going to happen. I’m MARRIED.

Respectfully,
Spank Mickelson

Bush Growing Bored With Ruining the Country

2007-06-15T05:03:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC--After more than 6 years as President, George W. Bush has grown tired of the business of ruining the country. Accounts of Bush’s growing apathy began leaking this week from top administration officials, all of whom declined to speak on the record. Political analysts throughout the nation’s media have gone out on a limb to suggest that the wave confessions is a sign of growing dysfunction in the White House.

According to the accounts, Bush’s boredom has been growing obvious for months. One high-ranking aide who spoke with Newsweek claimed the President now routinely skips meetings and daily briefings, opting to stay in his bedroom and watch a mishmash of ESPN’s Sports Center and softcore pornography. On other days Bush avoids the Oval Office in favor of long workouts, and occasionally the President is nowhere to be found.

“He’s just tuning out,” noted the aide. “We’ve anticipated this for some time, but I think all of us are surprised at how early it’s happening. It’s a shame because we’ve got so much more to destroy but no President to wield the chainsaw.”

The grim assessment was typical of the admissions from chatty staffers. Indeed, some have painted a far grimmer picture.

“Bored? Try totally absent,” said one source who is considering resigning. “We’ve been cooking up blistering shitstorms for his last year office, work that will solidify his efforts to bury our international credibility, wipe out civil liberties, widen the income gap, suffocate the middle class, ruthlessly consolidate executive power, you name it. And where is he? Out to lunch. It’s bullshit.”

Moreover, several sources described instances of near-petulant behavior on the part of the President. At a recent meeting on the nomination of anti-gay doctor James W. Holsinger, Jr. to the post of Surgeon General, Bush reportedly sat away from the table for the entire meeting. Clearly uninterested, the President popped bubblegum bubbles and made loud “snoring sounds.”

When asked for his final approval on the inevitably divisive appointment, Bush nodded and said, “You’re all a bunch of little bitches. You know that? Little bitches.”

“I wish it had been shocking,” said one advisor who attended the meeting. “But really, it was just one incident in a long string. Trampling on the Constitution, marginalizing populations, fostering hate in the name of religion…these are things that no longer inspire the President. He’d just rather eat grilled cheese and chastise the people around him.”

Unfortunately, none of these sources expressed any hope that Bush’s boredom will soon pass.

“Here he is, a two-term President within reach of achieving a legacy unparalleled in its repugnance, but he’s running out of gas,” said one of the sources. “It’s heartbreaking for all of us.”

Bush Confirms War Will Have No End

2007-05-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC--During a tense exchange on the White House lawn yesterday, President Bush told reporters that war will last forever. The exchange took place shortly after reporters began questioning Bush about Iraq, including inquiries about hotly debated war funding legislation.

Having just stepped out of his helicopter, the President was walking with senior staff toward the White House when the questioning started. At first appearing to wave off reporters, Mr. Bush did not immediately respond to the queries. But within moments he made a sharp turn and walked directly at an Associated Press reporter.

Noticeably flushed and agitated, the President asked, “What? I’m sorry, what?”

The reporter responded by repeating a question she had just asked about timetables for troop withdrawal—what some top Republicans call “surrender dates.”

“Mr. President,” she said, “your administration has rejected the notion of attaching timetables to success in Iraq…”

“I guess you’re new here,” interrupted the President.

“Actually, no, sir,” the reporter responded. “Under what circumstances, if any, might your administration consider a timeframe for achieving…”

Again the President interrupted the reporter, stating, “None. Nada. We’re not leaving. Ever.”

An audible gasp burst forth from the assembled reporters.

“So how do you like them apples?” asked Bush.

Within an instant senior advisor Karl Rove began making his way over to the President. As Mr. Rove approached, he put a hand on Bush’s elbow and whispered in his ear. Rove then seemed to tug Bush gently away from the reporter, but the President stepped closer.

“Mr. President,” said another journalist. “Did you just say that the U.S. is not planning to leave Iraq…at all?”

The President challenged, “What? I stutter now?”

Again Mr. Rove tugged at Bush’s elbow, and again the President shook it off.

“Let me tell you something,” Bush said sternly, leaning so close to the AP reporter that she took a step back. “Sell the house. Sell the car. Sell the kids. Forget it. We’re never coming home.”

Witnesses standing close to the exchange said no one moved or made a sound for a moment. The scene became increasingly awkward as White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten approached the President and took hold of his free arm.

The three men then appeared to struggle in a way that suggested Bush was resisting attempts to pull him away. But in the next moment Bush clearly gave in, stumbling a bit while allowing his handlers to guide him back toward the White House. The President glared at the AP reporter before turning away, both biceps firmly in the grips of Rove and Bolten.

As the men continued toward the White House, Mr. Rove turned back to reporters and offered a smile and a thumbs-up. As quickly as it began, the encounter was over.

Today’s regularly scheduled White House press briefing has been canceled.

Nobody Said Anything

2007-05-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to Raymond Carver.

1938 - 1988

A Lame Duck’s Agenda

2007-05-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

The 2008 election cycle is kicking into gear. Hooray for all of us. However, this development also signals that the wildly successful Bush presidency is winding down. We wonder: what will be the highlights of Bush’s final months in office? Here are some of our best guesses, with thanks to a spectacular Miller High Life buzz:

Deliver several more manly announcements aboard aircraft carriers.
Abolish public approval ratings.
Award the Medal of Freedom to Karl Rove.
Make vaginas illegal.
Create the U.S. Department of Promise Keepers.
Publish Dissolving Civil Liberties for Dummies.
Establish “Ice Cream Fridays” at Guantanamo Bay.
Abandon press conferences. Communicate via prerecorded videos starring a greased-up monkey named Elroy.
Discontinue “Urine Saturdays” at Guantanamo Bay.
Issue special Proclamation of Blame to former President Clinton.
Declare victory in Iraq during what will come to be known as Bush’s “You’re Welcome” speech.

E-mails Show Cheney Inquired With DC Madam

2007-04-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—E-mails from Vice President Dick Cheney to Deborah Jeane Palfrey, otherwise known as the “DC Madam,” reveal that the Vice President repeatedly contacted Palfrey in December 2004 to inquire about her firm’s services. Palfrey stands accused of running a prostitution operation whose clients may include some of Washington’s elite figures. Indeed, last Friday Deputy Secretary of State Randall L. Tobias resigned his post after it was revealed he was once a client of Palfrey’s.

In surprisingly forward exchanges released by Palfrey to select media outlets, the Vice President reached out to Pamela Martin and Associates, Palfrey’s firm, in search of “no-strings” female companionship as a way to “ring in four more years of tough love—old style.” The revelations threaten to rock Washington and the Bush White House at a time when the entire political establishment is wondering who might be among Palfrey’s customers.

Although none of the e-mails released by Palfrey confirm Cheney actually met with a woman in Palfrey’s employ, the messages clearly illustrate an eagerness on the Vice President’s part for such an arrangement. Several messages obtained by Spank Media are posted here.

E-mail Messages From December 3, 2004

1. Cheney to Palfrey
Subject: Rock out with your Cock out
Hey good lookin’! Whatcha got cookin’? In need for some action over here. How does this work?

2. Palfrey to Cheney
Subject: Re: Rock out with your Cock out
How did you get this e-mail address?

3. Cheney: Are you stressin’ already?

4. Palfrey: Standard procedure. Please tell me how you got this e-mail address.

5. Cheney: Relax, sweet lips. Hot Karl said you can help us celebrate the reelection…How many can you send?

6. Palfrey: I’m not sure what you’re asking for. Did you mean to contact Pamela Martin and Associates?

7. Cheney: Gee Babe, play hard to get much? I told you how I got your information, so can we get this thing moving? The boys over here want to bust one.

8. Palfrey: This is not how we normally do business.

9. Cheney: Can we get two? Do they do it to each other? In case my wife finds out I can say it’s for her too.

10. Palfrey: Please talk to your friend about how our services are normally procured. Goodbye.

11. Cheney: Don’t be like that! Hey, how can I make this right with you, sugar lips?

12. Cheney: You there?

13. Cheney: Anyone home? Did I mention the case of Cristal?

14. Cheney: Ah, shucks. I guess not then.

15. Cheney: This isn’t fair. I can’t do it like Hot Karl does it! Can’t you make special arrangements?

16. Cheney: I’m so lonely over here. Scooter is interested too—he says you know him. Wish I had a sweet thing or two. Or three. Two for themselves and one for me. Do you discount for big orders? In Wyoming the Wal-Marts give you deals when you buy more than one. Not women. Usually just shotguns or feed bags for the livestock. But you know what I mean. Jeez I’m really rambling here...

17. Cheney: If you think giving me the silent treatment is going to work you’ve got another thing coming. I eat little piss ants like you for breakfast. I don’t know if you watch the news but I have a reputation for not giving a crap what people think. I tell the president what to do. Do you read me?

18. Cheney: One hot little party. Christ. Is this so much to ask? You put them in a car THAT I SEND TO YOU FOR FREE and that’s it. We’ll pay double. They can order from the chef downstairs. Whatever they like, Jesus it’s freaking Willy Wonka’s Wonderpalace around here and you can’t even pick four or five lucky lassies? This is bullshit.

19. Cheney: I swear if this is about the pacemaker, it won’t even be a problem. If I go down in the saddle Secret Service just shoves them out the door. Poof. It never happened. Damn it, I should have mentioned that right off the bat. Does that impress you?

20. Cheney: You’ll be sorry for making a mockery of me. One hand job in 4 godforsaken years! She gives me one little bit of nothing in 4 years—oh but don’t bother her when she’s writing one of her girls’-night-out stories, you just get kicked to the curb and then find yourself demonized by that peckerneck jon stewart and freaking Wolf Piss Ant Number One Blitzer is asking you to talk about your daughter and her lesbian baby, this is such crap I am out of here I don’t even need you or your worthless tramps!!

Spammers Mourn Loss of Industry Legend

2007-04-16T10:02:00.000-07:00

New York, NY--Spammers across the globe are mourning the passing of Mr. Harry BHORNY2NITE, a legendary creator of spam e-mail messages. Widely considered the field’s most talented spammer, BHORNY2NITE helped lead his industry through its glory years and into today’s embattled cyber climate.

As the maestro behind such messages as “you2fuckbigtitty grrls!” and the original “CoNfirming of your Order#,” BHORNY2NITE is credited with a staggering list of spam innovations. His work helped lay the foundation for the often unintelligible and virus-laden e-mails that infiltrate nearly every user account.

BHORNY2NITE will be buried on Thursday. He leaves behind a partly furnished efficiency apartment, six computers, four cases of Ramen Noodles, one-half case of counterfeit Viagra, and a carton of generic cigarettes. He is survived by his biggest rival, BigTool4U.

We Are What We Pretend To Be

2007-04-12T04:50:00.000-07:00

Kurt Vonnegut
1922 - 2007

Bush Asks Florida Man to Sacrifice Penis for War Effort

2007-03-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

Washington, DC—Long criticized for not asking Americans to make sacrifices for a war touted as critical to the nation’s future, today President Bush asked Florida resident Jed Wasterman to sacrifice his penis for the war. In a statement released to press affiliates across the country, Bush noted that Wasterman’s penis will help the United States and its allies make long strides in the war on terrorism.

“We need hard and firm resolve against our enemies,” Bush’s statement read. “Mr. Wasterman’s penis is just one more tool we can use to beat those who seek to destroy our way of life.”

Wasterman, a marketing executive and lifelong resident of Florida, could not be reached for comment Thursday.

Friends and associates of Wasterman explained that he is well known for having a great penis. He was repeatedly described as having once been a “real ladies man” who had little difficulty “getting tail” while attending the University of Miami in the early 1990s.

For weeks the White House had hinted that Bush was on the lookout for a suitable penis, and it was rumored that comedian Dennis Miller and actor James Woods were on the President’s short penis list. But by late Wednesday it was clear Bush had decided to tap the penis of the unknown Wasterman. Sources close to the President said the choice excited most senior administration officials, but left a few feeling envious. In particular, Vice President Dick Cheney and his staff were stunned to learn that none of their favorite penises made the final cut.

“I think everyone will rally around Wasterman’s penis in the end, despite how sore some of us feel right now,” said one official who declined to go on record. “Because the fact is this war needs a penis inside of it, a strong performer that won’t pull out too early. And all of us should be honored when an American makes that sacrifice for our freedom. Right now that American is Jed Wasterman.”

Regardless, some friends of Wasterman were surprised at the President’s request. Jason Riffenbocker, a self-described “fishing buddy” of Wasterman’s, said he did not realize his friend still owned a penis.

“Jed’s dick has been in a jar ever since he married that bitch Doris,” said Riffenbocker.

Spotted: Graffiti in a Men's Room

2007-03-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

“Bush, Pull out like your daddy should have.”

Ann Coulter to Receive “Compassionate Spirit” Award

2007-03-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

New York--Conservative columnist and exemplar humanitarian Ann Coulter has been named recipient of the prestigious Compassionate Spirit award. The honor, bestowed only on rare occasions from the American Society for Humanitarianism, will be presented to Coulter during a ceremony in April.

“Ann Coulter typifies the benevolence, tolerance, and compassionate spirit that are essential to peace and good will among all of humankind,” noted an ASH press release that announced the honor. “We specifically call attention to Ms. Coulter’s grace in a politically charged era and her selfless charity work for low-income families. Her triumph is especially amazing considering her lifelong struggle to overcome the burden of her space-alien arms and hands.”

Coulter could not be reached for comment on Monday, but was said by associates to be deeply humbled by the ASH award.

“She’s floored,” noted longtime friend and blogger Mickey Kaus. “But then Ann’s modesty in the face of praise is no surprise. She’s just perfect in that way and always has been.”

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Reported by Spank Mickelson with thanks to DCH.

Condoleezza Rice Has 12 Things to Do Today

2007-02-23T04:41:00.000-08:00

Execute morning routine to perfection: Spring out of bed at 4:00 a.m. Pray. Stretch. Rock the treadmill while the stereo blares Wagner. Shower. Guzzle specially formulated breakfast shake. Dress in killer suit. Practice saying yes to the President.
Nail morning briefings with senior officials. Stifle giggles whenever the President speaks. Continue personal crusade to turn “Barbara Boxer” into a negative descriptor: “I’m not sure I see your point, Mr. Secretary. Damn it, don’t Barbara Boxer me on this. If I want Boxerism I’ll go in front of one of those repulsive Senate panels.”
Meet with State Department staff on strategies for upcoming meetings with Quartet leaders. Secretly wish she could bag the whole trip. Stare off into space for a bit. Write IRAN several times in the margins of her notes.
Sit straight-faced during a morning interview with MSNBC. Revise history with characteristic eloquence.
Ignore two calls from Cheney. Downplay the increasing creepiness in his voicemail messages. He’s just tired--he’s a good guy who needs a break. Everybody rambles like that in a voicemail once in a while. Anyone can get carried away.
Say yes to the President.
Prank call Karl Rove. When he answers, say “Fatwhiteguysayswhat? Excuse me? Chronicmasturbatoresayswhat? I’m sorry?”
Schedule 20-minute block of “me time” after lite lunch. Relax on office couch and drift into a dream: George Clooney eyes her from across a crowded street. She meets Falwell at a fundraiser and tells him to stick it. She goes to a glitzy Hollywood awards show and Jaime Foxx seeks her out in the crowd. Oh, how that man can sing. He motions her to the stage and stretches out on top of a spotless grand piano, puts on his Ray glasses. The house lights dim. She starts playing a bit of Ellington. Katie Couric stands in the shadows backstage, waving and winking suggestively. Soon the spotlight’s heat puts Foxx in a sweat, Condi notices the hall is empty, they’re all alone...
Wake to the phone ringing; tell Rove she didn’t call him earlier. Make up excuses about nonstop meetings, explain that she wasn’t even near a phone, and then deflect by getting snippy about reports she requested from the White House. Demand to know where they are. Go on about “the hold up over there” and tell him to “make it snappy this time.”
Buzz aides, pretend to be swamped. Tell them to order take out, but no Thai this time, enough already with the Thai. Visit www.rice2008.com and log in as “True Believer 12.” Order six Condi bobble heads, post comments all over the Condiblogs, and take the Condi Poll again.
Call Rove. Of course he answers--he’s always there, he’s just asking for it. “Shitflowersayswhat? I beg your pardon?”
Wrap up a little early. Summon her driver and tell him to take the long way tonight. Ask again if he wants to go skinny dipping in the Potomac. Chuckle with him over their little joke until they pass the White House. Fall silent. Take a nip of the scotch she keeps under the seat. Take another nip. Then another.

Democrats Dare Bush to Stay Out of Iran

2007-02-14T09:47:00.000-08:00

By Chuck T. Mickelson

Senate Democrats took a tough stand against President Bush today, part of an effort to soften the drumbeat for the attack on Iran that’s totally going to happen. Majority Leader Harry Reid, in an elaborate show of Democratic opposition to the President, spoke at a press conference to deliver what he described as “the strongest rebuke of the Bush White House to date.”

“Mr. President, we know what you’re up to,” warned Reid, flanked by a dozen Democratic Senators. “Do not assume Congress will roll over for you this time like it has once or twice in the past, or maybe a couple dozen times, or...whatever. But hear this: fool us once, shame on you. Fool us 20 times, more shame on you. Try to fool us this time, and you leave us no choice but to double-dog dare you stay out of Iran!”

Despite the tough talk, Vice President Dick Cheney was unmoved by the Senate’s boldness. In an interview with anyone other than that bastard Wolf Blitzer, Cheney claimed the Democrats’ action is meaningless. “Hippies resort to dares,” explained Cheney. “And we all know hippies don’t know how to support troops. Besides, it’s clear to me that Democrats lack the stomachs for a triple-dog dare with infinity lock and no tag-backs—the kind of dare that actually has a pair of balls.”

Speaking later to CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Reid remained steadfast in the face of the Vice President’s criticism. “Mr. Cheney is making a mistake if he thinks we aren’t serious,” noted Reid. “Our goal is a simple one: to show the American people that we understand how to exercise the power they entrusted in us last November. And that’s why we created this mostly-united, sternly-worded dare, this suggestion of possible action that may eventually force a vote for discussion by Congress in such a way that is completely nonbinding and doesn’t ruffle any important feathers. Our troops deserve no less.”

Cheney's Note Taking Becomes Noticeably Eerie

2007-02-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

Check it. Our favorite inside source snatched this from Cheney's trash can:

Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer Wolf Blitzer

Is.

Totally.

Out.

Of.

Line.

I object to the whole premise. I object to the whole premise of Wolf. I object to the whole premise of Wolf Blitzer. I object to the whole premise. I object to the whole premise of Wolf. I object to the whole premise of Wolf Blitzer. I object to the whole premise. I object to the whole premise of Wolf. I object to the whole premise of Wolf Blitzer. I object. I object. I object to Wolf Blitzer. I object. I object. I object to his ass face.

Biden Loses 2008 Presidential Election

2007-01-31T19:53:00.000-08:00

Washington, DC--Senator Joseph Biden lost the 2008 presidential election today, a stinging defeat after a tireless few minutes of campaigning. Struggling to find the thread that unraveled Biden’s bid for the presidency, some prominent political insiders referenced controversial comments the Delaware Senator made during an early minute of the campaign. Speaking about fellow candidate Barack Obama, Biden noted that the Illinois Democrat “is a good black who has never been arrested and probably takes the occasional bath.”

During a news conference with reporters a half hour after he finished remarks to formally begin his candidacy, Biden offered a gracious concession speech to congratulate his many opponents who are fighting to survive the grueling early goings of the presidential race.

“It was a hard fought effort on our part, and I want to thank the 150 or so people who knew I was running and may have voted for me,” said Biden. “Thankfully our system of government ensures the race will continue to a fair conclusion--it’s not totally gay like some of those other so-called democracies, like some of those Asian ones. We’re lucky in this country. We won’t have some Mexican rallying a bunch of crazies in January 2009 and claiming he’s the real president.”

Questioned about the apparent clumsiness in his comments about Senator Obama--as well as the potential fallout within the homosexual, Asian-American, and Mexican-American communities related to comments made just a moment earlier--Mr. Biden insisted he was taken out of context.

“That’s the kind of crap the Jewish media conspiracy has been coming up with for decades, even before women were let out of their kitchen aprons to vote,” he said.

Later in the afternoon, several aides to the senator spoke anonymously to reporters and acknowledged the loss will be a tough one for Biden, whose last try for the White House ended a mere 14 months before the 1988 election.

“Joe sunk nearly $450 of his own money into this campaign,” explained one long-time advisor. “It doesn’t matter who you are, losing after making a commitment like that is going to hurt for a while, no doubt.”