Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkeys Form Belligerent Anti-Christmas Regiment, Attack Pro-Christmas Forces

Warrior Birds Slaughtered in Their Only Battle

Lansing, MI—Hundreds of pardoned Thanksgiving turkeys are dead after a gruesome battle against pro-Christmas forces took place here Tuesday morning. The fighting occurred as both sides of the annual Christmas wars brace for a month of violent conflict.

The turkeys, pardoned from holiday chopping blocks by mayors and governors across the nation, converged for unknown reasons on a pro-Christmas enclave just west of Lansing. Witnesses say the turkeys gathered in wooded areas late Sunday night and gobbled vituperative anti-Christmas chants for hours.

By Monday the turkeys were silent, and perplexed residents assumed the birds had dispersed. However, just before dawn on Tuesday the turkeys charged out of the woods and launched a surprise attack on an encampment full of Christmas soldiers. Within moments the confused soldiers stumbled out of their tents to launch a sleepy counter attack and kill every turkey in the field.

Observers said the battle was over almost as soon it started.

“We took care of them pretty quickly—before several of us were really awake,” said one private in the victorious Christmas brigade. “Brave birds, but you can’t win a battle when you can’t shoot a gun.”

Brave or reckless, by all accounts the turkeys were completely ineffective in the field. Perhaps half of the birds charged into battle without a weapon. Dozens more trotted about in all directions as soon as the attack began, distracting and tackling fellow birds. Still other turkeys stood motionless and confused in the seconds before they were annihilated.

Two hours after making their rash attempt at glory in the War on Christmas, the lifeless turkeys were collected from the battlefield. Their happy opponents then worked throughout the morning to clean and process the birds for freezing, although a few were set aside for roasting on a charcoal grill within the camp.

By late afternoon commanders of the pro-Christmas regiment released a statement announcing their victory and the generous donation they will make to local food banks in time for Christmas.

As the statement read, “Thanks to this morning’s foolish but tasty enemies of Christmas, many of our less fortunate brothers and sisters will feast this holiday season.”